


Death is Only the Beginning

by jaybird023



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Death, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fear, Loneliness, Not sure what other tags to use, Only detailed sex between title characters, Original Character(s), RST, References to Depression, Sex, UST, major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:49:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 81,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27589100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaybird023/pseuds/jaybird023
Summary: When you die what more is left? And what do we have to look forward to? Things happen in life that lead to heartache and pain, but they also lead to love and forgiveness. It takes a lifetime, sometimes two, to find out where the truths we're looking for will lead us.I'd like to believe…That everyone is the same.That no one goes to bed hungry at night.That everyone does have a conscious and knows right from wrong.That time doesn't rob people of their memories.That death and fear do not exist.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully, OFC/OMC
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	1. Part I: Darkness and Oppression

Disclaimer: I don't own the original ones. Once reading the story you'll understand. But since I effectively took care of that I have to say I don't own their souls. Is that good enough?

Just to clarify: Mykel is pronounced Mi like milk and Kel like Kelly. So Mi-Kel. _Not_ Michael.

~@~

I'd like to believe…  
  
That everyone is the same.  
That no one goes to bed hungry at night.  
That everyone does have a conscious and knows right from wrong.  
That time doesn't rob people of their memories.  
That death and fear do not exist.  
  
I need to believe…  
  
That love does exist in the world.  
That all children are happy and safe.  
That people can see past the colors and hatred.  
That kindness isn't just a phantom.  
That hope isn't just a word.  
  
I want to believe.  
  
That I can open my heart.  
That romance does exist and I know how to see it.  
That I can survive through the haze of every stress filled day.  
That he doesn't just see what's in my mind.  
That I know what I want to say.  
  
I'd like…I need…I want…  


How often do we say these words when it counts the most?

Instead of saying what we mean, I find us fighting for the silence that has become a part of our lives. A comfortable silence for some…but for us it's just another barrier. Who says we have a comfortable silence? Who says we can speak to each other in our minds? They are fools. I never quite know what he's thinking. I never quite let on that it matters much.

But that's just who we are…

Would you like me to explain?

I mean really explain...?

It's a long story of who is alive and who is dead. And how we managed to survive the whole thing…

Well we kind of survived…but now I'm getting ahead of myself. To truly go back and tell this story, I must start from the very beginning. For us the beginning is much more complicated than the ending. You see the beginning of this story is an ending of sorts…for us it was the end of our lives…the lives we had before we became the hunted.

Death was **_only_** the beginning…

We were FBI agents back then. I'm not quite sure, but I think my name was Scully. We're still not sure about that though. But we found his. It was actually really easy. I mean how many men do you know with the name of Fox Mulder?

The investigations we we're able to get through involved his name. But for some reason we found nothing on me. Everything had been destroyed…

Yet again…I'm ahead of myself.

So, I'll go ahead and start my story. I'm not saying you have to believe it or even agree that these are the way things are. I'm just going to give you my unbiased side of the entire situation. Better I tell it then him. I seem to understand it a little better.

Maybe once you hear this you'll understand…understand why we chose the path we did…and why it's so important to tell this story. You see it all comes down to one little sentence…two words that when uttered can stand for the Truth.

" **I BELIEVE**."

~@~

2:24 A.M.

Tears are a fool's paradise. No matter how much you fight against them, you always end up drowning in petulance. However…in all of it, you have to realize that nothing is as it seems. There is always a lingering doubt that so much of your life is wasted…so much left unsaid and denied. Especially when death claims the life you so cherished.

It is not your death that grips your heart and squeezes those tears from your hollowed eyes. It is the loss of those you cherished and loved in that life. When darkness reaches out and grabs the hand of the one person in your life that grounds you to reality, it tears your soul apart. Yet you can do nothing about it.

You are stuck in the endless flow of tears that drowns your eyes with bitter salt water.

I often lie in bed at night crying for our lost lives. He wakes occasionally…pulling me softly to his body to cradle and hold me close as the tears stream down my cheeks. His breathing will hitch and I know that he is crying too. We don't acknowledge the pain as one. Instead it tears at us. It draws a thin line between our hearts. Eventually he will try to ease my pain. The caresses will start…his hands knowing all the right spots to turn my mind away from the pain and draw it towards pleasure. Our coupling on those nights is feral. It becomes a celebration of our life…instead of the unspoken death that runs through my mind constantly.

Tonight will be no different. Despite the fact that his breathing is deep and even, I know he will wake up. My sobs are hard to contain after the dreams of our past. Tonight was not an exception. The nightmares are mine in this life. I know that he had them in the past life…and he still has one occasionally. Screaming out the name 'Samantha'…a woman that we have yet to discover who exactly she was.

Tonight my dreams contained the darkness. I don't dream of much about our deaths. I see bits and pieces in flashes of brightness. Bright lights…screaming voices…loud crashes…

In that final moment of our lives we had gripped each other's hand. I think it was a futile effort of knowing that we had grounded each other in life…so we would in death. But I had slipped into the darkness before him…

This is what I remember of that time. It never gives away the true extent of our deaths. For that I am grateful. To go through it in my mind would be all too real. It would grip me and I know the pain would be enough to grasp my heart and twist it out of my very chest. In all it is not our death that sends the chills throughout my body.

It is the time after.

Now this is what the dreams bring back to me. This scares me more than death…a darkness with no empathy. Someone else deciding the fate that we fought so hard to determine. A faceless nemesis deciding when the light should appear and disappear.

I go to sleep each night dreading this very dream. My eyes close and I slip peacefully into a dreamless sleep for most of the night. And sometimes, only sometimes, I actually sleep straight through till morning. I wake and know that our lives are finally settling into some sort of normalcy.

But then I would try to sleep the next night and it would come to me unguarded. I am fighting to hold in the sobs and think of the dream that I so fear. The dream that somehow holds the memory of purgatory. I was alone…and it was dark…

~@~

"Mulder?"

No answer…it had been that way for what seemed like months. Instead my voice echoed into the darkness.

I stood from my crouch on the floor. I had nothing with me…I didn't sleep or eat…there was nothing for me in the darkness. I often wondered why I no longer needed these aspects of my life. When you're all alone you find answers to questions you never even knew you had. It was the questions about Mulder that I didn't get answers to.

The noise came once again and I knew without a doubt that I was no longer alone. But I also knew it wasn't him. He would've answered my voice…he would've come to me in a frenzy for not seeing me in so very long.

" _DANA KATHERINE SCULLY…_ " The voice was soft but assured.

"Who are you? Why have I been alone for this long? Why don't I need to sleep or eat?" The questions came out in a tumble. I know now that it was just the simple fact that I knew someone was there. It didn't occur to me to question why I was suddenly no longer alone.

"You are free to pass onto your next life. We have found a new time and dimension that will accept what you now believe to be true."

"Why are you not answering my questions? And what do you mean my next life?" My voice was in a whisper.

They never replied. Just paused until I got done…then continued with the cryptic phrases. "You are to be reborn in the year of nineteen hundred and seventy-four. You will be born without your life bond. He may or may not follow you." The voice began to recede.

"Wait!" I was running after them. My voice pleading for Mulder…I wanted to see him before I left this place. Before I went back to a world without him. I knew I would not survive it alone.

I screamed out his name…the tears streaming down my face. I needed to study his face so that I could memorize it. I didn't want to live without knowing, without remembering, exactly what he looked like.

But the darkness remained oppressive…there was no one there to care.

Had I seen him I don't know what I would've said. I don't know if I would've refused to go back and face a world that I had grown to hate. The world had been my reasons for pain. And now I would face that pain alone.

I lacked the faith of it all.

Faith is a funny thing. When you have it…it seems to be a never-ending supply. But the moment it disappears is the moment you realize that you can never get it back. It is impossible to recreate that very aspect of the whole picture. To understand you need a miracle.

I no longer had faith in God. If there were a God he would've been more merciful. He would've given me that final moment with Mulder. The final moment to show him that I loved him beyond time and space. The final pain filled moment that I would be able to tell him that I was going to be with him in the end. It didn't matter how many lives I would have to live to find him again.

I would find him and this time we would **never** let go.

~@~

Growing up in a military family is something I would not wish on anyone. You have problems making friends…your bonds take time to grow. And in those bonds you always have a deep feeling that nothing is as it seems. You're missing a deep part of yourself that you know has influence on your very soul.

I know now that my reasons for the emptiness I felt had nothing to do with my family. They were always there…never running from the awkwardness I had from growing up. My three older sisters were my best friends. They stood by me in my times of triumph and pain. Crying when I cried…smiling when I so rarely did the same.

No…my pain stemmed from a different place entirely. I was missing him…his love…his companionship. I felt emptiness in my heart that only he could fill. I was missing the other part of my soul that he possessed.

But growing up I did not know about any of this. I just felt the pain of loss. There was so much missing from my very being…and I didn't even know why. It's very depressing to know that you are missing something but not quite sure of what. And I had no idea what lengths I would go to just to find out how my life had come about.

Perhaps this is the reason behind my depression over the life I never wanted. A depression that consumed my very mind until I could think of nothing but ending the time I spent in this dimension. I needed more in my life…and I hoped that maybe if I ended it all I would be brought back to a time when I was truly happy.

But something always stopped me from taking that final step into the darkness. I didn't have faith in my ability to see the other side clearly. I couldn't see if death would take me and fill me the way that I needed. In some deep part of myself I knew it would not fill that empty void. So I remained…never completely happy with the life that was given to me. 

I hated myself for being so weak. But strength was not a luxury I possessed. It came with time…as all things do. It surrounded me with walls of stone around my heart. Walls so impenetrable that not even my family could knock them down.

It was in my tenth year that things began to change. My father decided to retire from his position in the military. This meant that we would be moving again. Our friends would be left behind…our lives uprooted once more.

But something was different about this move. I had hope towards this change in lifestyle. For once we would be in a stable environment. This move would be the final one for the entire family…we were to settle down into a new house and not move again for years to come. I would have the opportunity to create friendships and keep them close. The loneliness in my life could disappear and make room for the better aspects of being alive.

If I had known how deeply a person can get hurt from those people we trust and hold dear I would've wished to remain in stasis. I didn't know that there was more pain to be wrought from deeper friendships. That once let in, a person could tear apart your whole world with just a single word.

I was soon to learn my pretenses were false. Friendships created more pain then pleasure.

It was the girl next door that would help me discover the truth of how much pain can be given. She was the same age as me…but where her light was brightly lit…mine was dim enough to go out at any time.

~@~

July 24th, 1984

11:23 A.M.

Fate has a funny way of stepping in when you least expect it. It takes your life and turns it so that you have to look at it in a whole new aspect. My fate revolved around a girl named Sarah. She was about to become my new link to life and what I believed to be true. It was only my second day in the new house when I met her. My hollowed eyes were cast downward while sitting in the grass of the front yard when she approached me.

"Hi…I live next door. My mom said I should come over and introduce myself…I'm Sarah." My eyes shifted towards her slowly, not caring who she was or why she seemed to be interested in who I was. She remained standing there, shifting slowly from one leg to the other. My face showed the contempt that I felt towards her and everything around me.

It didn't faze her. Instead of leaving like everyone else did when I gave them my look of scorn, she plopped her body down next to mine.

"You don't talk much do you." It was more of a statement then a question. I turned my eyes away from her hoping that maybe she would just go away.

Don't get me wrong…I wanted friends. But something deep inside me was uncomfortable with this girl. She wasn't what I expected or wanted out of this place. I knew she wasn't the one who I needed to fill that void in my heart.

"Danielle?" My name coming from her lips made me jump. God her mother must have been incredibly nosy to find out my name.

"My name is Dani…I don't go by Danielle." The words were out of my mouth strictly from solid habit. I hated the name Danielle.

She smiled at me. Her blue eyes lighting up at the sound of my voice…her blonde hair ruffling in the slight wind.

"Dani then. Can I ask you a question?"

"No." I turned away from her again. I didn't want to look at her…I looked at the sky to see if I could find any shapes in the clouds. It was a habit I had from so many lonely years behind my walls.

"Have you ever had a dream that you're in a really dark place and someone else is there with you…but you can't tell them what you want to say?" Her voice had dropped to a whisper. My heart leapt to my throat at her words. She sounded so afraid to even be speaking them. I turned towards her incredulously.

"You have that dream?" I could tell by the look in her eyes that she wasn't joking around. My voice dropped down to the same level as hers with my next question.

"Does it scare you too?"

Her head nodded slightly. "It scares me so much that sometimes I wake up crying. I never know quite when to expect it. It always takes me by surprise."

"How is this possible?" I was still whispering…as if anyone was around or really cared about what were saying.

She smiled at me again…her eyes brightening. "Do you wanna go to the park?"

~@~

Weird as it seems…that was the only time we ever really talked about our dream. There were many times she would spend the night. But not once did she ever have the dream while she was at my house. If only I could say the same about myself. The dream came to me at least once a week…never faltering on the intensity of my emotions. I never remembered everything about it. Just of being alone, the darkness…and a voice saying I had to go back.

It never failed to shake me to my very core.

Our friendship grew stronger each day we were together. Sarah was two days older than me…our birthdays so astoundingly close that we began to celebrate them together.

It was at one of these celebrations that I finally opened up myself to her. It was a decision that would make me look back and wonder how I could've been so stupid to do so. This is one of the days that would come back to haunt me years later…when I didn't have a chance to take back and not say what I did.

I told her of my thoughts of death…and of the emptiness that never went away. I spilled my entire being out for her to judge. She was silent for every word…every whisper of hatred towards the life I held in such contempt. In the end it was her silence that finally made me look at her. I needed to see if she would believe me.

The look she was giving me was of pure rage. Her voice full of hatred when she finally did speak.

"Dani, I can't believe that you would think of taking your life all because of some stupid dream you keep having. Why would it even cross your mind?"

I was in shock. I had thought that since she had this very dream that she would understand. Maybe even try to work through it all with me. I began to stand and turn away from her, my voice a mere whisper of my feelings.

"Why don't you understand? You have the very same dream."

"No I don't." Her words stopped me in my retreat. "I never did. Your mother told mine about your dreams the day you moved in. She was worried that you wouldn't make friends and she knew it was the only way you would open up to somebody else."

I sat down hard on the ground. I couldn't help the pain that swelled up in my chest. I felt betrayed…

"Dani…please don't be mad. Your mom was only doing what she thought was right. I didn't know that you were such a great person until later." She was kneeling next to me, but I barely registered that she was even there.

We sat there for quite a while. I was raging a battle within my mind…unsure if I should believe her. She had already betrayed me once. Trust was important to me. So important that I didn't know which way to turn.

In the end, it was thought of loneliness that turned be back towards her. I didn't want to go back to being the person I was before I met her. She was the friend I had yearned for in all the years of loneliness.

"Don't ever lie to me again." It was a simple statement. One that I was sure she would follow.

~@~

Sarah had always been a popular girl, and as we grew older that became more of a prominent factor in our lives. She had many boyfriends…all vying for her attention throughout the days and nights. I grew to hate these boys. All of them took her away from our friendship.

We were in seventh grade when things began to change for us. She met a boy that would change her way of thinking. In doing so it would change me as well. He was shy and misunderstood. I know that's what drew her towards him in the first place. She always had a weakness for the ones that required special attention.

I knew the moment I met him that I hated him. His bright hazel eyes were of those to be untrusted. The dark mop of hair that fell across his forehead whenever he moved just irritated me even more. But that was the way I felt about all of her boyfriends. Because of the way she was with this boy I had to be near him. It was with great trepidation when I realized we also shared a class together.

It was during this class that I could hate him with my whole being. Sarah wasn't around and it gave me the chance to open myself to the loathing. I would make fun of his name…telling him that his parents had to be on drugs to name him Ely Mykel. What the hell kind of name is that anyway?

All I ever wanted was for him to give in and hate me too. But he never grabbed the bait. He would just smile and change the subject. Asking me what Sarah liked to eat, what her favorite flower was, and what was her middle name. He frightened me with the intensity he had to know everything about her. It scared me that somebody could have an obsession that deep.

What made me mad, more often than not, was when he wouldn't give up on the questions. I would turn to him with hatred in my eyes and answer them methodically.

"She likes Curry, her favorite flower is the lily, and her middle name is Diana. Now leave me alone damn it!"

I would move to a different chair so that he would leave me alone and I wouldn't have to put up with him anymore.

It was months later that I actually realized the true effect he had on me. I was sitting in the classroom waiting for the bell to ring. I was hoping that he was sick that day. I wasn't in the mood to deal with the endless parade of questions about Sarah. I needed a break from all of it.

I foolishly believed my own hopes when the bell rang and he still wasn't in class. I began to worry after fifteen minutes of him not appearing the doorway. He was never sick…a quality I wished I had. Somebody could cough a mile away and I would get sick.

It occurred to me that for me to worry about him I would have to care about him to some extent. The thought was an epiphany of sorts. So much that I knew I was about to make another deep change in my life. I couldn't care about this boy. He was Sarah's boyfriend. It didn't matter that Sarah and I were growing more and more distant over the months. I refused to submit myself to trust him.

So lost in my thoughts of him, I barely registered his presence in the doorway. When I did finally notice him, my breath was sucked from my chest. His eyes, normally so full of curiosity, were hollow with pain. He walked into the room slightly hunched with destitution. I didn't know quite what to think.

My eyes stayed on him as he made his way across the room and slid into the seat beside me. He stayed silent for almost ten minutes…unusual for him.

With the class being so indifferent, I knew I wouldn't get a chance to talk to him until our group session. I waited anxiously for that to happen. The teacher droned on about numbers and letters. It seemed almost forever before he told us to turn towards our groups.

Being the way I was, I had convinced our math teacher to let it be only him and me in our group during the beginning months of the class. Despite the fact that I had hated him all those months ago I knew that he was a link to the friends we shared.

When I turned towards him I knew that whatever was affecting him was deeper that I had first thought. Tears were falling silently down his face, his eyes avoiding mine. I wasn't used to this version of him. I was at a total loss on what to do.

"Ely…what's the matter?" My voice was timid. I didn't quite know if I could help or if I would make it all worse by asking.

"Danielle…" He had a habit of calling me by my real name. Usually it irritated the hell out of me, but today I couldn't correct him. I knew that whatever he had to say would be better without my interruptions.

"My dog got out of the back yard this morning…and my dad…my dad hit her with the car." His eyes turned towards me and locked with mine. "I loved that dog. I've had her for eight years. She was my best friend…and for a long time, my only friend."

I couldn't help the next thought that came to my mind. I had to bite my tongue in order not to come back with _'well at least it wasn't eaten by an alligator’_. I don't even know why such a _strange_ thought came to my mind. So I remained silent…watching him cry.

I think it was my silence that forced him to do what he did next. I know I never prompted or expected him to reach over and hug me. When he held me close his tears became more forceful. I couldn't think of anything but the fact that he was in pain and I couldn't help. The very thought brought tears to my own eyes.

When I felt a soft tap on my shoulder I looked up at our teacher. He bent slightly and softly told us to go into the hallway. I knew that whatever note Ely had given the teacher had explained the situation. It was the only way our teacher would've understood. With the entire class staring at us I led him into the hallway where we sat down just outside the door. He was still crying but not as forcefully as when he had pulled into that tight gripping hug.

We sat there in silence. Eventually he started talking to me. His words harsh with pain. He told me about his life…and how lonely he had been before moving here. He too had grown up for his younger years in a military family. I just sat there and listened to him talk. He needed a friend more than anything at that moment and I was the only person who could fill that void. God knows Sarah had been lacking in the caring department lately.

When the lunch bell rang it took us both by surprise. Our time in the hallway had passed much more quickly than either of us realized. We stood up as the hallways filled with people around us. He began to walk away and I had to remind him to go back into the classroom so we could get our stuff before going to lunch. He followed me through the door silently.

The room was empty…the lights off. I hesitated before stepping inside. Because of my intense dreams of darkness I had become afraid, practically terrified, of the dark. It was a fallacy at the age of twelve…but one I couldn't rid myself of no matter how much I tried. The dreams kept the darkness oppressive.

My hesitation wasn't lost on the boy behind me. He was brave…stepping around so that he could reach over and switch the lights back on long enough to gather our school books. I didn't know if I could thank him for it or not.

I gathered my stuff and turned to leave. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I now held a weakness for the boy behind me. He would never know that I harbored emotions no one on this earth would ever understand. I was alone…as always.

His voice stopped me when I was near the door. "Dani…"

I turned to him again. Not knowing quite what to expect. I only knew that he never called me Dani, so it had to be important.

"Thank you."

I was shocked…but only for a moment. I had no reply…nothing to participate. Speechless I nodded my head...then turned, and walked away. He had never said my name with quite that tone…never said thank you for anything to me. I couldn't acknowledge any of it. The entire hour seemed like an illusion. I just kept telling myself that it had all been in my mind…

But I never quite convinced myself of that fact.

~@~

Over the next year I grew to hate Sarah. Her attitude had become that of a goddess. She became so stuck on herself that I was in hatred of spending time with her. But I had no choice. She was my only friend. I couldn't admit to my sudden friendship with Ely to her. That in itself created another rift between us. We fought and argued more often than we ever did. I was stuck in stasis of coming or going. I didn't know which way to turn.

My conscious built another wall. This time it was around my deteriorating trust in Sarah. Every time I turned around she was telling me to do something that I had no inclination to do. It was a self-gratifying thing for her. I was now the circus freak. She no longer saw in me what she saw years ago.

In a way I was prepared for the crumbling friendship. Our discussions about life were becoming more and more infrequent. Her words, meant to hurt me, were taken and tossed aside. I didn't care for her opinions. I knew my first premonition of trusting her had been correct. She was evil and out to prove it to me.

But there were still times we would get together and talk like old friends. We had a history…it would keep us tied together for much longer than expected. Our talks would consist mostly of whether or not she should continue to date Ely. He adored her…something that seemed to bother her at times. She wanted more than one boy to date. But he was highly possessive…willing to share her only with me.

I convinced her every time to stay with him. I wasn't ready to let him out of our lives. I knew the moment they broke up would be the moment he would disappear from my small world of friends. I was aware that was something I was not able to deal with at the moment.

It was during those infrequent talks that she would show her real self. At times I had to bite back a harsh reply to her conceited ramblings. But the reality of the situation was that I could only take too much. I was bound to snap at some point…and I knew it would be sooner rather than later.

The end of my trust and faith in her ended abruptly while sitting in the tree that decorated her front yard.

The day had been peaceful…a weekend was time to relish being alive for most people. I craved the days of going back to school. At least that gave me a break from my thoughts of death and darkness. Our conversation had once again turned towards Ely and her never-ending questions of whether or not she should remain by his side. By now I was used to her psychobabble about how high school would be different and she should break free from all her childish ways. I always nodded…knowing that nothing would change. High school was going to be just as depressing as the rest of my life. I didn't want to admit to her claims of difference.

When I finally did begin to pay attention to her words once more, I realized she was saying something about me. I looked towards her to comprehend the conversation.

"You know Dani, sometimes I wish I was plain like you. Maybe if I didn't have all these guys clambering for my attention I wouldn't be debating about all of this." She was looking away from me so she missed the look of rage that began to cover my features.

"I know that the guys just don't like you. Maybe if you were beautiful like me you could understand…but I can see why you like the solitary life. It must be so depressing to not know what love feels like."

When she finally turned towards me my rage took her by surprise. To say that she thought I would sit there and take her comments about my life, something she knew nothing about anymore, was an understatement.

My teeth were clenched in fury as I spoke to her. I tried to remain calm…but knew I was failing miserably. It angered me even more that she could bring this out in me.

"Sarah…you are not everything you seem to think you are. Who do you think you are to assume that I know nothing about love? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I know exactly what love is and that's why I hold off from everyone? You know nothing. I have felt a love so deep that you would cower from the power of it. And you say it is me that knows nothing of love. You, my dear friend, are the one that knows nothing of love. I, on the other hand, know the power of love, what it feels like, and how deep that fathom can go."

The shock that was written across her face at my words was quickly replaced by anger and pure hatred.

"So Danielle, you seem to know so much about love. I could laugh at the very thought about it. For as long as I've known you, you have been jealous of me and the men that flock around me. You know of love…"

A short snort came from the lips she was convinced were so beautiful and pouty.

"Yeah right. From where? Your nightmares?"

She was as unprepared for the sharp slap across her face as I was in doing it. In the seconds it took for her to recover there was a harsh red hand mark covering her cheek and I was already halfway home. I didn't care that what I had just done would mark the end of our friendship. There had been nothing left of the trust I had in her years ago as it was. In actuality it was her words that finally severed that final thread of faith.

I was to be alone again in my life…for once I wasn't afraid like I had been when she first admitted to her betrayal.

~@~

Monday didn't hold the same appeal to me as it normally did after that weekend. I was dreading facing the day with no friends to flock to at lunch. I didn't know if they would accept me into the small circle of friends that Sarah and I had shared. I had always had my doubts that I had been let into the circle solely because I was her best friend. It was with great trepidation that I walked into the school. I didn't show my pain on my sleeve. There would be no reasons to cry or scream.

Because I was so absorbed in my thoughts of loneliness, I failed to notice the snickers and whispers when someone spotted me in the hallway. I was almost to my locker before the reality of it all hit me. Every time I walked by I heard whispers of darkness and screams.

I couldn't figure it out until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Mary, one of the girls that I normally hung out with at lunch. Her face was white and drawn in. I wasn't sure if it was because she needed to tell me something or if she was in pain.

"Sarah has been spreading rumors about you all morning. Her mom dropped her off early at school."

My face fell in shock. I knew I should've expected her to retaliate like this but I also thought maybe she would be a little more adult about the whole situation. I should've remembered that she was a mere child. Her jealousy raged far deeper than my own.

"What sort of rumors?" I knew that Mary didn't want to tell me but this was something she also knew I would not back down on.

"She told everyone that you were scared of the dark and you wanted to kill yourself. She said that everyone should try to convince you to do it. That way you wouldn't be a blight on all of us."

My mouth opened and closed in shock. I had no reply to her words. I stood there just staring at her trying to comprehend exactly how deeply I had changed my life with one slap.

It took me a minute to realize that Mary was telling me this as if she was still my friend. My eyebrow arched in confusion.

"Why are you telling me…"

"I like you Dani." she interrupted, "I haven't really liked Sarah in quite a while. She has been way too high and mighty for her own good. A lot of the girls are beginning to notice her attitude and they don't like it any more than I do. You have always been nice to me and I don't wish you any harm. I just thought you should know what was going on."

I nodded my head while thinking this over. "Thank you for telling me Mary. I'm glad there are some people who can act as an adult. I appreciate it."

The bell rang and she nodded while taking off for her first class. She was rounding the corner when she turned around and called out one more thing.

"I'll see you at lunch."

The words filled me up with hope for a second. I was not going to be thrown aside from our group of friends. Sarah would just have to realize that I was going to stay beside the people that I had spent three years growing up with.

~@~

Rumors come and go. I didn't concern myself with any of the ones flying around. I knew that they would soon find another person to talk about…especially if I just ignored the comments and snickers. It was hard though. I had no one close enough to talk to about it. I had friends still…but I didn't trust any of them enough to let them know how much pain I was in. They might construe it differently than what I was expressing.

My source of strength to carry on came from the most unexpected person for me. The rumors had been circling for a week when we had to watch a film in class. The lights were turned out and a voice from the back of the room made a snide comment about me freaking out. I nearly jumped out of my chair to go back and find out who had said it, just so that I could hurt them as deeply as everything I had been going through hurt me.

The teacher stopped me in time. She grabbed my arm before I even got halfway back. She told me to sit down and I refused. My arm was clenched tight in her grip when she forced me out the door. I was to be put in time out. The thought angered me. Films were the one thing I enjoyed most in school. It was the only time that you weren't concentrating on who did what and what dates they happened on. You could just sit there and watch the movie…and think about the few things that gave you pleasure in life.

I stood outside the door for five minutes before I realized that it had been my anger, **_MY_** hurt, which had forced me out of that room. It was my own fault for letting them get to me the way they had. The thought brought tears to my eyes.

I hate to cry. The taste of my own salt-water streaming down my face and running across my lips constituted as a weakness in my mind. I didn't want anyone to see that weakness. But this one time I couldn't suppress it. I curled up on the floor next to the room and cried. My face remained buried in my knees that I gripped tightly in my arms.

It took me a few minutes to realize I was no longer alone. Someone was sitting next to me. I turned my tear-streaked face towards the warmth, the comforting presence. It was Ely.

"Want to talk about it Dani?" His hazel-green eyes studied my face for a moment, our eyes locking.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin…" My voice cracked. I turned away so he wouldn't see the pain in my eyes as they welled up with tears again.

"I heard what she said about you Danielle. I don't know what to think about her attitude anymore. At first I thought it might be just a phase she was going through…but it's only gotten worse over the past year. I don't know how much more I can handle. I have enough pain in my life…I don't need her creating more."

His hand touched mine for a brief second and I felt a jolt of power. So few people touched me. I never allowed them close enough to do so. From him I didn't mind though.

"Danielle…are you going to be ok?" His voice showed real concern.

"I'm fine…" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. He jumped slightly at my words as if a shock had gone through his body at them. I couldn't figure out why. I stood, dusting off my pants…then offered him a hand to help him up. He took it gracefully and smiled as a thank you to me.

Ely began to walk away then turned suddenly and walked back. "Dani…you will be all right, right?"

"I told you I'm fine…" He didn't jump this time. Instead he laughed and locked eyes with mine.

"You may be sweet Dani…but you're a lousy liar and actor." Ely ran his hand down the side of my face, pinching my cheek in the journey.

"You're a sweet kid Dani. I almost wish…"

My throat closed up for a second until I realized he was kidding. "Ely…first of all, I am three months older than you. And second, don't say anything you're going to regret. I don't want you to feel obliged to me in any way. Can't we just say we're friends and leave it at that?"

His eyes sparkled at my words.

"Older than me huh? What does three months make you smarter? Want to enlighten me with you knowledge of being older and wiser?"

I pulled away from him suddenly. I had just realized we were standing in the hallway of school with him holding my face in his hand. My eyebrows furrowed in frustration as I realized there was something I did need to enlighten him about. But I knew he wasn't prepared for what I needed to say.

"Ely…" I fought to control the dread I had of telling him what needed to be said.

His voice interrupted me suddenly… "Can you do me a favor? Call me Mykel? Only my closest friends call me Mykel and I consider you a close friend. Can you do that for me?"

I nodded my head then realized I still hadn't told him what I needed to.

"Mykel…I need all kidding aside. I have something to tell you."

He nodded his head as if to tell me to continue.

"Sarah has been seeing another guy for about two weeks. I hate to tell you this…but you need to know."

Mykel turned away for a moment then back to me. "I know. I love her but I don't think I can put up with much more of this. Thank you for telling me Danielle. I can see your heart is in the right place."

Mykel walked away. I knew that my confirmation was what he had been waiting for. I could understand him not saying goodbye to me. I knew he was in a deep stasis of thinking and only he could figure out what to do about her. The decision was up to him.

~@~

I never really got much of a chance to talk to Mykel in eighth grade again. We no longer shared a class like seventh grade. But eventually things worked out for him and Sarah. He decided the best option would be to just walk away while he still had his wits about him. He didn't really leave the group…but he was a lot quieter then he used to be.

Often I would be talking to one of the girls and I would look up to see his eyes locked on me. I never understood why he would do that. But time and again, those hazel eyes would clash against mine. With trepidation he would turn away when I caught him. It was a rare moment when we actually stayed locked in a gaze as intense as they could get.

I knew that my feelings for Mykel ranged deeper than I cared to admit. But there was nothing I would be able to do about it. We would be going to different high schools, and even he had to realize how difficult it was to keep a friendship up with someone who lived a few miles away. When you're that young, a mile may as well have been ten and almost seems like a million.

I found myself alone in the afternoons. I would walk home from school…focusing on all the stuff I needed to finish before I could dwell in my own thoughts of depression and despair.

I still fought against my thoughts of loneliness. I wanted so badly to take my life and just fall back into the darkness that I so feared. I would concentrate on these thoughts in the long meandering walk.

My thoughts had taken on a different light lately. Turning away from death long enough to ask why I was finding myself staring at Mykel more and more often. I found my eyes wandering towards the pout of his lower lip. The soft dark locks of hair that seemed to fall into his eyes an awful lot. His eyes always expressed much more than anyone else seemed to notice as well. It was something that puzzled me more often than not.

I wasn't to find my answers anytime soon…

~@~

School ended without much of a fanfare for me. In reality I was happy to be ending the three years of memories of heartache and loss that I felt when there.

Despite the fact that Sarah still lived next door to me I didn't see her often.

I didn't think anything of middle school. I walked out of the school that last day and never looked back. I didn't want to concentrate on the summer either though. It would be four more months before I could turn my thoughts towards the better aspects in life. I could only hope to survive the summer months long enough to get back to school.

My friends disappeared that summer. I was left alone to my own devices. My mind wandered far and wide…always coming back to a question I refused to acknowledge. But just because I refused to say it existed didn't mean that I would get an answer.

It came to me on my birthday with the ringing of the phone. I was the only one home so my hand reached for it automatically. This was not normal for me. I hated phones and everything they represented.

"Hello?" A pause filled the other end of the phone. I was about to hang up when someone finally spoke.

"Danielle…is that you?"

It was Mykel. My breath caught in my throat, my eyes closing at the sound of his voice.

"Yeah it's me. Who is this?"

My voice cracked and I prayed he wouldn't be able to tell how nervous I was. It took a moment for me to realize I was acting like a fool. I was acting like a child who had just gotten its first sucker.

"Danielle, it's Mykel. Do you mind if I come over today?"

I almost didn't know what to say. But it only took a few seconds for me to realize why he wanted to come over. It wasn't for me…it was Sarah. He was hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl he was still in love with.

I knew his intentions were false, but still I relented. I couldn't see past my own immersion of him. I needed to see his eyes just one more time. Then I could refuse to see him again. That would be for the best.

"Sure…but only for a little while."

He was rushing me then. He said goodbye and hung up before I even got a chance to return the sentiment. So now I was stuck. Mykel was on his way over and I knew it was for her. But at least I would get to see him one more time. Even I deserved that much.

~@~


	2. Part II: Hopes and Fears

5:32 A.M.

"Are you awake?"

His voice…so soft and needy pulled me from the fitful cloud I was in. In remembering our past I had somehow fallen into a semi daze filled sleep. Dreams of our childhood together and what we went through to get this far ahead of the game still fluttered through my mind.

"What's the matter?"

I needn't have asked. I knew he was worried about what would become of us. But I was never quite sure if what I worried about was what he had also focused on as well.

"I don't know…" his voice whispered back in the darkness, "I can't help feeling like we're being sucked down into a deep chasm of self doubt. Did we do the right thing? Do you think we did?"

I pushed my body back against his…forcing his arms around me. With all the will in my body I tried to drive the strength I knew he needed so badly into his. I couldn't answer his questions. To do so would condemn us both to the hell we had been running from for the past five months. I knew if I just held him close he would fall asleep and no longer worry. I had that power over him.

He sighed into my hair, but it wasn't the sigh of contentment that meant he was on his way back into the state of unconsciousness. He was breathing deeply, concentrating on the smell of my hair and my body. He had told me many times that he did this just in case…in case I suddenly disappeared from his life again.

"You didn't answer my questions. You do that a lot you know."

The soft timbre of his voice surprised me. I hadn't expected the acknowledgement of my avoidance. He never noticed it before now…and if he did he just didn't mention it.

"I wasn't aware that I knew all the answers…"

I felt the soft wisps of breath in my hair before I actually heard his laughter.

"Well, most of the time you claim to."

His arms tightened around me for a brief second before relaxing once more.

"I just…I can't…I can't lose you again. I don't think I can go through that all again. It damn near killed me as it was."

"I know…" My voice hitched with the every word I spoke.

I wanted to take his mind away from the bad days. If I could make him face the better days of our lives then maybe we could harbor some hope for the future.

"Tell me a story…one of our past…the cabin maybe?"

"Why don't you tell it? You're so much better at it than me."

I relented. He knew I would. For my piece of mind, I knew it would mean he would fall asleep to the gentle tones of my voice.

Maybe then I wouldn't have to face the questions that I had no answers to.

~@~

Summer of 1988

The fathoms of the heart can associate deeply with the mind. I took in everything when it came to Mykel. His pain and grief never quite matched the extent of my own, but I knew without a doubt that he was far more important to me than I cared to admit. Perhaps it was those qualities I saw in him that made me put up with him with things I normally wouldn't have.

In all, I never quite knew what it was that drew me into his world.

His outlook on life was cheerful. I knew that deep below the facade of that cheerfulness something dark and malicious was eating at his soul. Eventually that darkness would overtake his mind and turn him into something he couldn't accept. It was all just a matter of time. It was also inevitable in the future we now possessed.

In the beginning, I knew it was her that attracted him to me. When he appeared at my door, he would make me come outside to visit. His eyes always turning to the house next to mine in hopes of seeing her face. His obsession had run deeper than I had first thought…and I knew I could only help him by not saying anything. I couldn't make him turn away from the one solid thing he had ever had in his life…no more than I could now turn away from him.

Things began to change as summer drifted into fall. Instead of calling and checking to see if he could come over, he got into the habit of just dropping by. He learned to walk right through the front door without knocking. He would drag me into the basement to talk about the things that bothered him, and what was going on in both of our lives. I never had much to put into the conversation. I could tell him about my constant fights with my sister…but my life was boring compared to his.

We were young…bordering on an age that would soon require us to make more important decisions. Our lives were changing faster than we could handle. I kept him as my lifeboat. Whenever anything got to be too much for my mind, I could call him up and I knew he would be there for me. It was comforting to have that closeness with someone once again.

Two weeks before we were to begin high school I asked him to go camping with my family. Each one of my sisters and me were allowed to bring a guest up to the cabin we visited every year. I had never invited anyone…including Sarah. That week away from her had always been a time that I could just be myself, so I relished it to the full extent.

He didn't hesitate for moment before agreeing to go. I knew that his parents would allow him to go…and my parents had suggested it that morning. Still, the words didn't sink in to my brain. It took me a few moments before realizing he had agreed. I was expecting him to say no for the simple fact that he wouldn't get a chance to watch for Sarah every day. I didn't know quite how to react.

He either didn't notice my flustered look or chose to not pay attention to it. He was good at ignoring my frustrations time and again…especially when they dealt with him. He could do it with such impunity.

So for the moment it seemed as though my world was becoming much more stable. I began thinking less and less of death and more of what the future would hold. It was so uncertain…as most things are.

The trip to the cabin that year was a new experience for me. From the moment we arrived it felt different. It was with total trepidation when I realized why everything had suddenly changed. His eyes were no longer drawn towards an uncaring void. For once I knew he was only there in friendship. Mykel was no longer using me to see her. Our friendship had become a two way street.

I foolishly believed that this meant the end of my problems. I finally had a person that was beginning to fill the void that possessed so much of my soul. I knew I would never lose him now that he had entered my life.

~@~

In the mountains, everything feels different. You're so far away from civilization that the world can appear to be your friend. You can wander throughout the wilderness and not worry about what's harming you most. It's suddenly just you against nature.

From the moment we arrived at the cabin that year, I knew that I was to be in a whole new world. For the past three years I would stick close to the cabin…afraid of what the wilderness held. Mykel changed that within the first hour of being there. Before I could even utter that I didn't want to wander, he had me a half a mile away from the cabin.

That was to be our presence for almost the entire week. From the moment we awoke we would be off and running.

The nights terrified me. Mykel had insisted that we would sleep outside so that there would be enough room in the cabin for the fourteen other people that had come along. With great reluctance I had helped him set up the pup tent that we would be sleeping in for an entire week.

I was never quite sure if he truly accepted my fears of deep darkness. All I knew was that I was to be alone and terrified of everything around me. It didn't matter that he would be lying in a sleeping bag next to mine. It would feel like I was alone.

I ate dinner slowly that night. I was dreading having to go to sleep. I didn't want to even face the walk outside the cabin towards the little tent that was to be our only shelter.

Eventually I had no choice. It was well past ten o'clock and I had to face the darkness. I stood at the door to the cabin and stared outside with dread. I knew that everyone inside was staring at me. But that didn't matter to me. All that mattered was that I was terrified to even take one single step.

In the end it was Mykel that helped me once more. He walked around me and held out his hand without hesitation. I didn't think twice about the gesture. I took his hand and he led me carefully outside into the darkness. He didn't make a sound the entire way to the tent…even when I gripped his hand so hard it must have hurt.

As soon as we were safely inside the tent our hands parted. I couldn't see his eyes…but I knew instinctively that he was waiting for me to climb into my sleeping bag. He was protecting me in ways that no one else ever had before.

I was lying in my bag for quite a while before I heard his voice softly speaking to me. His words were so soft that I had to strain to hear him.

"Dani...do you ever wonder if maybe this isn't the only life we've lived? I mean maybe we knew each other in a past life and that's why we're the way we are with each other."

I knew he couldn't see me…but he had to have heard my gasp of surprise. It took a few moments for me to actually respond.

"Mykel…I don't know what to believe right now. All I know is that you're the only person I trust right now. I have never in my life trusted someone the way I do you."

"Then why do you hide parts of yourself from me?" The question was valid. I knew it as did he…but it wasn't something I was willing to acknowledge yet.

"I can't let myself care about anyone right now. After everything that happened with Sarah, I just don't know how much I can take." My words hung in the air, despite that I had merely whispered them.

"Goodnight Danielle." Our talk was over…just like that. I knew I had angered him with my words; it was etched in his voice. But I also knew that there was nothing I could do about it now.

"Night Ely." I couldn't help the sarcasm from tainting my words.

If he could be mad then I could be as well. Even though I was certain his reasons were more valid than my own.

~@~

Sometime after 3 a.m.

Someone was shaking me. A scream rose in my throat and a hand clenched over my mouth before it could escape.

"Danielle, calm down. It's just me. You were crying and screaming out for…for someone." His body shuddered at his own words. He was scared…I felt it in the way he was holding me.

Reaching up with both hands I pulled his from my mouth.

"Mykel, get the hell off of me!"

I couldn't hide my anger. I should've known that the anger wasn't at him. I was angry with myself. I didn't want him to know of my dreams. I would never be able to explain the true extent of the pain they enveloped into my being.

Instead of pulling away, he did the opposite. His arms crawled around my back and he pulled me into a fierce hug. I sat there with my arms at my side…unsure of what to do.

"Danielle, why didn't you tell me? I mean…I knew you had nightmares, but this…this is…" His voice cracked. It sounded as if he was crying.

"It's what? Are you trying to say I'm crazy Ely Mykel? Because if you are, I swear to god, I will not hesitate to kick you out of this tent and call every bear that's in the neighborhood to come and tear…" He interrupted me with a hand across my mouth once more.

"Danielle Leigh Torris…you wouldn't dare. Besides, that would leave you out here in the dark. We wouldn't want that now, would we?" There was something evil in his voice that made my body tense. I couldn't understand how he could make fun of me that way. His words were like tiny knives in my spine…each one digging deeper and causing more pain.

He realized his mistake only seconds later. Without saying another word I pushed my body weight against him and sent him flying back to his sleeping bag. I couldn't resist smiling when I heard his voice muttering obscenities about being tossed around like a sack of potatoes. And much less that a girl had done it.

Eventually I couldn't take anymore. His muttering was so humorous that I started to relax. The laughter bubbled up from my lips before I could stop it. Before long I was laughing so hard that tears streamed down my cheeks. That's when the attack came. It was something I had expected so he didn't take me too much by surprise.

Our play fighting was mostly one sided. I was locked in the tight grip of one of his hands while the other one mercilessly dug into my sides to find ticklish spots. My laughter was even more pronounced as I asked, begged, and eventually pleaded for him to stop.

He didn't stop…or even back off a little bit. Instead he just kept asking ridiculous questions about how funny I thought it was that a girl could throw him that far.

"Would you guys knock it off and go to sleep!" My sister's voice echoed from the cabin and Mykel immediately stopped tickling me. I felt him pull away and knew that we were once again backing into our play it safe facade.

Eventually, we settled down. I ached to reach over to him and hold him close. But my body was unwilling. I was only fourteen and unprepared for what I was certain would follow. Instead, I settled in and prepared myself to drift back into a sleep that would hopefully be peaceful.

The minutes passed by slowly. I was nearly asleep when I felt him reach for me. It seemed perfectly natural for his arms to pull me close. I was thankful for the sleeping bags that separated our bodies. It would have been too much to feel his warmth through only our night clothes…it would have been too risky.

For now, I knew his arms would have to do. In the soft haze of sleep I felt his lips press lightly against my forehead and knew that this was where I belonged.

I would never let him go.

~@~

The week passed by quickly for us. Our nights were long, filled with chatter of people and places we loved. I was thankful that my nightmare didn't appear again. The only downfall would be that he didn't hold me the way he had that first night. We slept in our own sleeping bags. At times we seemed miles away from one another.

It was our last day at the cabin before we even approached what was to become of our friendship. We both knew that when school started the next week, our visits would be cut down to weekends and an occasional evening. It would be worse for me. I still had no other friends whom I trusted.

We were walking down the road that led to the cabin when he spoke. It took me by surprise at first. Our silence on our ventures was something I enjoyed. I never had to pretend…I could just wander beside him and absorb in the nature that lay before my eyes.

"Here…"

I turned towards him. His eyes glanced over mine then slipped away slowly. His arms were stretched out towards me. In his hands he held a single columbine flower.

"For you…"

I could tell that he was unsure of what I would think. He was nervous…his eyes darting between mine and the trees behind me.

I smiled. It was a completely different situation that I was used to, but I knew he would relax once I did so. I took the flower gently and placed under my nose to smell the sweet perfume of it.

"Put it in your hair Dani." He reached his hands out almost as if he was going to run them through my wavy red hair, and then pulled back.

"I think it will bring out the color of your eyes."

"Thank you Mykel." I turned away before he could see the expression I knew was on my face. I couldn't divulge myself to him yet. I couldn't scare him with my depths of feeling that I knew were becoming too prominent to hide.

We began walking again. I began talking to him. It was everything and nothing that led to our conversation. I knew that it couldn't wait for much longer. I had to tell him how I felt.

"Mykel…I don't know how to ask you this…" He stopped next to me and I turned towards him.

"When you start school…are you going still come over for visits?"

"Paranoid Danielle?"

His eyebrows arched upwards. The expression seemed comical from him. I couldn't understand it but the very thought of him calling me paranoid made me want to laugh.

"Not quite Mykel. I just don't want a good friendship to go to waste. I care…" I took a deep breath, knowing this would help me find out what he really thought of our friendship.

"I care about you Mykel. I just don't know how you…" my voice trailed away despite my earlier courage.

"How I feel?"

I could only nod my head towards him. My eyes were glued to the ground that seemed covered with versions of the purple flower he had just presented to me. I felt his hand on my chin. I let him turn my head towards his. When our eyes locked I felt myself fall once more.

"Danielle…I care about you. I really do. In the past two years…well four months, you have come to mean a lot to me. You are my best friend. The only person I can trust enough to know that you will never hurt me. So, you want to know if we'll still be friends? I don't see any way to say no to that."

I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs. He loved me…he truly loved me!

It took a moment before I actually analyzed his words enough to think them through. Not once had he said he loved me. He thought of me as a friend. Nothing more…nothing less.

I smiled at him. If that was the only way I could have him in my life…then saints be damned, that is the way he would remain.

~@~

High school started the same way middle school had started for me. I still had a few friends from the past that I could hang around with, but all of it seemed empty. I wanted Mykel there. If he was beside me I could face anything that they threw my way.

But I didn't have that option. Our high schools were miles apart from one another. I was as alone as I could ever be. It just felt worse because I knew what true friendship felt like now.

Eventually I made more friends. I grew to trust a few of them enough to let them into my dark mind. But they accepted me for who I was. They never turned away when I discussed my visions. They would listen with complete consideration and even suggest ways of getting through those sleepless nights.

I had one friend in particular that knew me better than even I thought. But she was extremely perceptive to my life. She guessed my secrets before I even had a chance to say them aloud as it was.

To some degree, I knew that she understood the pain I went through. Her father was in the military and I knew that she could understand why I was so withdrawn from other people. She stood beside me for everything…including confrontations with Sarah.

Eventually, I grew to trust her. She had been in middle school with me and seemed to be a link to Mykel when he wasn't around. But she was also more to me.

Mykel had all but disappeared from my life in a way. He ran his life miles away from where I led mine. I talked to him a few times on the phone…but we seemed to lose some of the closeness we had shared over the summer. I didn't know quite how to get that back, and the thought of losing him completely shook me to the core to even think about it.

His calls decreased more and more over time until it was just me calling him. Once every other week I would pick up the phone and dial the number I now knew by heart. Occasionally he would answer it and we would talk for a brief amount of time. More often than not, his mother or brother would answer and say he was out. I called several times and just let the phone ring for hours when nobody answered. It was my way of hanging on to something I knew was gradually slipping away.

I couldn't help remembering our time at the cabin. I felt betrayed at his words of friendship and always remaining so. I couldn't understand how he could say everything he had and still drift away as he was doing.

The answers came with a call from him one night. I was hopeful at the first sound of his voice…but that quickly turned to dread when I heard what he was saying.

I listened to him talk about a girl he met. She was the love of his life according to him. But they were fighting about something. This was his reason for calling. I was soon to realize that this would be the basis of our relationship for the next four years. He would only call when a girl had done something to make him mad…or hurt him.

To hear his voice I would have to listen to his dreams of other girls. It was too late to let him go. I was in too deep. I would have to suffer and be patient through it all.

I began to date boys from school to ease the pain. I was never fair to them…always searching for parts of Mykel in them. As soon as I realized they were nothing like him I would break away from them. They weren't worth the time to me.

My friend Michele just sat back and watched as I did all of this. She understood my pain…but she thought it was for different reasons. She thought it was from the years I spent moving around as a child. The difficulty in letting people get too close was an after effect to her.

Our first year passed in much that same way. I would occasionally date a boy, and then dump him a week later. It was in this way that I got bitten. I was so wrapped up in my own little world of pain that I never saw what I was putting other people through until it was too late. It was to be one of those boys that I so carelessly tossed aside that would make me see this.

He was two years older than I was. His eyes and hair were dark in the same way Mykel's were. For that, and only that, I asked him out. He seemed flustered at first, but accepted almost immediately. We were a couple before anyone knew the difference. In high school that means much more than most people realize.

I stayed with him longer than most. For almost two months I wouldn't let him leave my side. He was allowed to hold my hand in public but nothing more. I didn't want the world to see what I considered to be private.

In the darkness of night I would allow him to kiss me. It never went further than that though. In a way I knew I was keeping my distance. I wanted to make love to only one man…and it would be Mykel in the end. I would save myself for him and only him.

It was during our last date that I knew I had to let go. I was beginning to care for this boy more than I wanted to. It would be better to just cut my ties and run.

I told him in darkness…not looking into those eyes that reminded me so much of Mykel's. I explained that I couldn't be around him any longer, that I didn't care for him the way that he cared for me and that it would be better to end it before we both got hurt. But John said something that made me realize what I was doing to others and myself. His reply cut me like a knife in my heart.

"Dani, you have a real problem with intimacy. Something has your heart and now that it's in that cage you refuse to open it up again. I can't compete against that. Your walls are too thick and too tall for anyone to cut through. I have to agree that we should end this now. But there's only one problem…you've already hurt me. You hurt me the day you refused to open your heart to me." He was quiet for a moment before turning back towards me.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to help you."

Without speaking another word I got out of his car and walked into my house. Every sentence, every word, cut deeply into what I once considered to be a solid foundation.

I cried that night…muffling the sobs into my pillow so that no one would know. I knew I was trapped in this deep pit of darkness, with Mykel as my only life raft. But he was becoming more and more someone I should hate instead of love.

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't turn away from him…no matter what the cost.

~@~

Towards the end of my ninth grade year, my friend Michele found out her dad was getting transferred. She would be moving to Germany. We vowed to stay in touch forever…both of us knowing that the results could or could not happen.

I threw her a small going away party…inviting everyone we knew. We had very few people there. For reasons still unknown to me, Sarah even showed up. We let her stay…despite the fact that I didn't get along with her, a few of our friends still did.

Mykel was invited, but never showed up. He ended up going out to a movie with the girl I was to hate. He claimed to love her. I just didn't know what to believe anymore.

But the party was fun. We laughed and played music well into the night. When it came time for everyone to leave, everyone wished Michele a safe trip and asked her to keep in touch.

On the day she left I let her in on my secret. I told her of my past with Mykel and everything I now felt for him. She just hugged me and told me to do what I knew in my heart. In the end that would lead me to where I was supposed to be.

She left me standing in my doorway. I was confused…but at least I could finally have someone who knew the truth about my heart. It was no longer a prisoner to only myself.

~@~

We went back to the cabin the next summer. Mykel went with us again…but this time the talk was mostly of Cathy and how much he loved her. In that one week everything went back almost to what we had before. 

We had been there for three days when I woke up from my nightmare that still persisted to haunt my nights. Mykel once again woke up with me up but this time he had a different reaction. He no longer claimed that what I said in my sleep didn't affect him. This time he actually asked me what the dream entailed.

"I don't really know all of it." I said to the darkness in the direction I knew him to be, "I only know how it makes me feel."

"What is it that makes you so afraid? Do you know that at least?" He was whispering to me despite the fact that no one could've heard us.

"I'm alone in the dark. Someone I care about deeply was ripped from me…taken in a way that only darkness can. I think it's knowing that I can't have that person back. There's a voice that tells me I am going to be alone for a very long time…" I paused, trying to find the right words, "It's almost like I have no control. That is what scares me the most."

"Danielle…do you believe in fate? That humans have no free will and everything **_is_** predestined?"

The question made me think for a moment.

"Mykel, I think that everyone has a choice in what they do…but no matter what, it is already in motion. Everything we do is going to bring the same results. This is what my dream tells me every time I have it. I can't believe otherwise."

"Do you know who you call out to when you have these nightmares? Are you at all familiar with the name?" I heard the catch in his voice but chose to ignore it.

"No. All I know is that whoever it is, he was very important to me. I don't want to live without him. He is the very essence of my being."

Mykel remained quiet for a long time after that. I began to grow tired waiting for his response. My eyes drifted more and more until I could no longer keep them open. He stayed where he was…his breathing never once altering.

I knew why moments later. He crawled into my sleeping bag with me and curled his body around mine with absolutely no hesitation.

"I'm cold…"

I didn't question it. I just relaxed next to his warmth and slowly drifted into the peaceful sleep that only he could bring to me.

~@~

Tenth grade came and went much the same as ninth. I no longer had Michele around to talk to, and Mykel had gone back to his world that remained hidden beyond my eyes.

I kept in touch with Michele…sending her letters and pictures of everything I was doing. I wrote to her and constantly told her about what Mykel was doing and how much I hated but loved him. I was in stasis…never quite sure of which way to turn.

I still dated the same way as well. For some reason, I kept hoping that Mykel would try to stop me. It was a foolish way of thinking, but yet another habit I couldn't break free of. I could only wonder now and then if he ever thought about me. We were down to talking once every few months…and that was only because I still made the effort to call him.

It's amazing how fast time can go when you're not paying attention. Eleventh grade was halfway done when I finally paused to glance around. Before I could even think about it I had my driver’s license and a car to back it up. This thought made me happy. It meant that I could see Mykel more often.

He got his that same year which meant that we were now able to run as wild as we could. There would be many times that he would just stop by my house for no reason. It was during one of these occasional visits I was to learn the true extent of how he felt about me.

I was getting ready for bed. Since I had a bedroom downstairs and all of my sisters had moved at this point I felt no need to be modest. I would run around in short little nightgowns. They tended to cover just enough that I wouldn't get in trouble by my parents. It didn't matter that I was the only one living in the basement. All that mattered to them was that I was covered when company came over.

That was the problem with Mykel. Because he never announced his visits he often caught me in these nightgowns. It was never anything big though. There was nothing in his eyes when he looked at me. I was never sure if it was because it was me or because he really didn't find me appealing enough.

It was during one of these visits that I found out for sure. I was wearing one of my particularly revealing nightgowns when I heard footsteps pounding down the stairs. I wasn't sure if it was him or my mother so I didn't even think to change. I just walked out of my room and ran smack dab into his chest.

It took a moment to catch my breath…but when I did I glanced up at his face. The expression that met me was full of fierce wanting and desire that I had never expected to see directed at me.

My breathing that I had fought to get back after running into him was altered again. This time I knew that I was not alone in wanting him. I knew he wanted me just as much.

His arms that had gone around me when I ran into him tightened their grip. My hands snaked around him to pull him closer as well.

It was at that moment I knew he was going to kiss me. I could see the flicker of emotions running through his eyes…the pupils dilated, the color changing to a dusky green. His head tilted forward towards mine and I closed my eyes.

This was the moment that I knew everything would change. From the moment he kissed me we would not be able to turn away from each other. I felt his breath on my lips…a mere millimeter away from mine.

The soft touch of his lips never came. Instead he pulled away suddenly. I will never know what made him realize what we were about to do at that moment. Never know why he pulled away when we were that close. I could only stand there in front of him…feeling dejected but trying not to show it.

"Go get dressed. I want you to come over for a while. I'm having some friends over and I knew you would have fun."

It wasn't a question of whether or not I wanted to go. It was a statement through and through. After what had just happened I wasn't about to take orders from him.

"Mykel…did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to go?"

He smiled and I knew there was an apology in there somewhere. "Just get dressed. Please…I need a friend that I know will make sure everything is safe."

So reluctantly I went to put some clothes on. I knew that I could fight tooth and nail and still he would stand there until I was ready to walk out the door. I never did have a choice where he was concerned.

~@~

A few friends were exactly what there were. What Mykel had failed to tell me was that they were all guys. I was the only girl and I wasn't quite sure why I was even there. I sat in a chair watching as these seven boys got high and tried to impress me. It was defiantly not a situation I was used to.

Eventually, hours later, we were all sitting around when one of the guys asked if Mykel had ever kissed me. It was an odd question on the night that I had come so very close to doing just that. But reluctantly I had to tell them no…as Mykel had been insisting since the question was asked.

One of the boys was a friend that I had known along with Mykel in middle school. The entire turn of events that followed was his doing. I know that. It was now a challenge to be met. Mykel had to kiss me by the end of the night.

I laughed at the thought. It was with total judiciousness that I said I could kiss every guy in that room and Mykel still would not kiss me. I knew it as well as him.

What I never expected was the challenge. I was to play spin the bottle with all of them. Bill brought down the bottle from upstairs and handed it to me. If the bottle landed on Mykel then I could kiss him. But it was also the same for any other boy in the room.

I couldn't figure out if I was up for this challenge. I knew that Mykel would protect me if anyone thought they were going to get more…but I was still leery. I had never been in a situation with so many boys vying for my attention. In part I really liked it.

So because of that last thought…because I knew I liked the attention, I twirled the bottle. It landed on a guy named Mark. I walked over and lightly pecked him on the lips before going back to the bottle.

I had spun the bottle four times when it landed on Bill. There was something about him that made me laugh. In middle school I had always thought of him as funny, but now I just knew that if something were going to get to Mykel, it would be me kissing his best friend.

I didn't want to do it. I was against the thought of getting him jealous just to serve my intentions. But because of the way this game was started I figured I would finish it then and there.

I walked over to Bill and placed my lips softly against his. Before I knew what was happening I was in his lap and he wouldn't let me backup. I pulled away slightly but there was nothing I could do. I was trapped.

There were no words for what happened next. Mykel was next me in a heartbeat…pulling me away from Bill and demanding he leave. I could see the jealous rage and anger that was enveloping his features until they were nearly indistinguishable from the soft features he normally kept.

Bill left without much of a fight. It wasn't long before everyone else started drifting home as well. Everyone said good-bye to me…each one apologizing for Bill's behavior.

When we were alone his anger came out full force.

"What the hell did you think you were doing Danielle?!"

I turned towards him, my face contorted with the rage he never expected.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted to kiss them? Maybe I'm a slut Mykel…Maybe you just don't know me at all!!!"

His face fell and I knew there was something I said that finally affected him the way I wanted it to…despite the fact that it was a complete lie.

"Who the hell do you think you are anyway? If you're fucking jealousy hadn't have gotten in the way maybe I could've taken him home with me. At least I know for sure how he feels about me!"

I walked out of his house before realizing that he had driven me there. I didn't care at that point. I would walk home before facing him again. Even though I knew he was right.

I got halfway down the street before I realized the true extent of my words. I sat down on the ground hard…feeling the burning sensation in the back of my eyes that indicated tears. I fought against them. There was no way I was going to allow him to put me into that place. He didn't deserve my tears…much less my heart.

I heard the truck before I saw it. His eyes searched through the darkness to lock onto me and hold me close until he reached me. The truck was still running when he hopped out and came running over to me.

The look on his face was all I needed to see. He regretted his words…I could tell by the way he held his chin that he was going to apologize. I spoke before he could though.

"Mykel…look I'm sorry. You're right. It was a dangerous game to play…but the thing is I knew you would protect me if anything got out of hand. After all…what are friends for?"

"No Danielle…" I glanced at him in surprise. It took me a moment before realizing there was something he wasn't telling me. But instead of continuing his voice trailed off.

"What is it Mykel? What are you not telling me?" My words were etched with the worry that I now felt.

"I…I wanted you to come over tonight so that we could talk. I never knew that would happen. I…" His voice trailed away once more.

"What the hell are you trying to tell me?"

"Dani…Cathy broke up with me today. I just didn't want to be alone tonight." Mykel's breathing hitched with each word.

"I…I wanted to go back to when we are the cabin and be happy. I didn't know how to do that without you. So I picked you up."

Even now don't know why I laughed. Maybe it was the fact that she was gone from his life. I wouldn't have to listen to his dreams about her. Maybe it was that I wanted him to suffer through what I did daily without him. Or maybe it was just the irony of the situation. The very fact that he was now fighting for a time that I fought to get back every day. 

All I know is that when I heard those words, I began to laugh. There was no way that I would know he would cry. How could he not? I was supposed to be his best friend and I was sitting on the ground laughing at his pain.

He turned away from me…sitting on the ground next to me hard. I heard his sobs, but it took a moment before I could compose myself.

I grew silent. It was a long time before he spoke to me again. We sat there on the ground for quite awhile. I didn't touch him or console him and he never once reached for me the way he had always done before. I could only reflect on these things that seemed to be changing around us. I felt like I was losing him in the haze of growing up. I felt like I was losing what I had of myself as well.

When he finally did speak to me, I knew that he wasn't angry at my laughter. His words were laced with an entirely different emotion than I was used to. He sounded like a four year old that was afraid to be denied.

"Danielle, can you spend the night tonight?"

"I don't know Mykel…can you behave yourself?" My words drew a small smile from his face.

"I can if you can. I know I'm awfully hard to resist." I laughed again but this time I knew he was better.

"Mykel, how did you ever get so full of yourself? You are not all that you seem to think you are." His laughter filled the air around us and I knew that it was going to be all right.

He stood up then. His hand reached down and pulled me up next to him. I felt his arms go around me for the second time that night. But this time it was different.

This was the hug you give a friend.

I accepted it with no qualms. I never asked for forgiveness of my actions. He never told me he needed it. But I knew that was what he needed more than anything.

I stayed the night. Nothing happened…but when I woke up he was there. He was curled around me like he had been at the cabin. I turned in his arms and studied his face with all the underlying curiosity I had for him.

I was still watching him when his eyes opened and focused on mine.

"See anything you like Danielle?"

I didn't answer him. He didn't need an answer.

I snuggled my body closer to his and sighed.

"Mykel…?" My voice was hesitant. I wasn't sure if he had gone back to sleep or not.

"What Dani?"

"Do you think we'll make it? That we can stay friends forever?" My words hitched back and forth between emotions.

"Forever is a long time Dani. I just don't know."

~@~


	3. Part III: Winters Darkest Chill

9:27 a.m.

A cool drift of air floated across my cheeks from our one open bedroom window. I had been staring outside ever since he had gone back to sleep a few hours ago. I didn't notice when the sun first came up…when the darkness shifted from the deepest black to a light gray.

My mind was lost in thought. It was something that gave me a sense of place…a way of acknowledging that there was a sense of normalcy in our lives…no matter how brief it may have been.

He shifted his body towards mine and I knew that he was awake once more. His nights are peaceful…as long as I'm near.

"Is it snowing yet?" His voice sounded distant to my ears. I knew it was probably just the morning air…but the gloom of the outdoors wouldn't affect the sound inside.

"Not yet…"

"Did you get any sleep at all?" He was worried. I could tell when I glanced at the soft crease of his forehead as he stared up at me.

The bitter laughter bubbled up from my lips before I could stop it. "Have I ever gotten sleep in the past?"

He didn't laugh with me. I knew I would only make him angry at my attitude...but I was angry. I wanted him the same way.

The tears were mine to keep in the past. I would remain angry for the things that we suffered through…the chances we missed.

"Why are you so enamored with the past lately? I mean I know it's a part of us…but why can't you just…just…"

It was too much to listen to him. I didn't want to live in the past. I wished to move on just as much as he did…but it was impossible lately. My body moved away from his as I climbed out of bed. I stood nude near our open window. I didn't care how cold it was…it made no difference at all.

He was behind me a few moments later. His body offering the warmth that eluded the very space I stood in. I felt his arms slide around me…drawing the softness of my body closer to his.

We stood there for a while…both of us lost in our own thoughts. It wasn't until almost ten minutes later that I knew something had changed between us again. I had been unfair in judging him, but we both knew that didn't matter. All that mattered was the here and now.

"I just wonder if maybe you wish we were still in that stasis we went through for so very long when we were younger. Because…" he turned me around and pulled my eyes towards his so that I could understand more fully, "I wouldn't give up what we have now for anything."

I sighed…shifting my vision away from him.

"I don't know why it's such a big deal now. I like our past…it was so fitting for what was to lie ahead. But…I see things differently than I did before. It's as if everything is finally making sense. Despite the fact that it never did before."

"So tell me…" His voice caught and I wasn't sure if he was curious or scared.

"Give me your side of the whole thing. I want to know what it was like for you. I want to see why you did what you did…even if it hurts. Because…I know the truth hurts. It has to so that we can move on. So we can survive."

"But what if it hurts me? Will you still be able to stand the pain?"

He walked towards the closet and began pulling our clothes out.

"Start talking."

And so I began.

~@~

Fall 1991

Senior Year began with little or no conflict for me. My sisters had finally moved out of the house. I was now alone with my parents. I had friends still there for me. Some had drifted or moved away over the past four years…others fought tooth and nail to remain.

I just didn't care either way. My focus was on Mykel. I was frustrated and disappointed in him. Within a week of breaking up with Cathy, they had somehow solved all their problems and gotten back together. This was an anger pistol for me. I was so tired of being used…so tired of only having a halftime relationship with him.

To be honest I was just tired. I wanted nothing more to do with this life that was bringing me pain once more. I could do nothing but blame him for the pain. I knew it was cold and uncaring…but he wasn't around. He couldn't defend against my hatred. He had his precious Cathy…his life was perfect.

It had been over four months since I'd seen him last. Four months ago he had held me in his arms…making a promise to be there for me. His promises now hung over my head as empty visions of a future that I was to possess alone.

Perhaps it was for these reasons that I tried to hold on so tight. I wanted to refuse the loneliness as a diffident thing. I wanted to have him beside me in ways that no one else could be. Without him my life seemed to be a waste.

So high school was almost over. I didn't care that it was my final year…I didn't care that my parents were never home. All I wanted was him. His presence was searched for in every face I looked at in the hallways. I wanted to go back to middle school…just so that I could see his face every morning again.

It was for these reasons that I threw the party. I knew if I could just get him over to my house…that I would at least get to see him. I was going to get him near me again…even if it meant getting in trouble from my parents when they returned from their latest trip out of town.

I invited everyone I knew. In turn, that meant my current boyfriend Tyler would be there. But I hoped against everything that Mykel would see him for what he really was. A man that looked and acted so much like Mykel himself that he would finally see the depths of my feelings for him.

My friend Joy was to be there as well. She didn't know the truth. She wasn't privy to my most intimate thoughts. It was through her boyfriend that I had met Tyler.

For four hours I waited for Mykel. At six o'clock I was worried. By seven, I was mad. I waited…my friends completely clueless about my anger and where it stemmed from. They only knew that I was angry.

When nine o'clock rolled around the phone finally rang. I ran to answer it…hating myself for the anxiousness. But it had to be him…it could be no one else. Everyone I knew was already present.

He began speaking almost before I even finished saying hello.

"Dani…I can't come to your party. Mom and dad are gone and my truck got totaled when I rolled it over about two months ago."

I couldn't help the anger that burst from me. Once started, I became what I feared most.

"You know Mykel…sometimes I don't even know why I bother being your friend! Your whole life is wrapped around your own mind. You don't care about me! You haven't ever cared about me. It's all just a game to you!"

It was quiet on the other end of the phone when I finished my tirade. It took me a few minutes to realize why. Mykel had never been in direct contact with my anger…he was always the one I turned to when I wanted to be angry…but never could.

"Jesus Dani! If I had known I was going to be that much trouble I would've never bothered you in the first place. If you are so god damned anxious to have me over there tonight then get your ass over here and pick me up!" I could hear the defiance in his voice. He never thought that I would take him up on the suggestion. It was all fun and games to him.

"Fine! I'll be there in twenty minutes! You better be fucking ready to leave!"

His sharp intake of air was solid proof of his shock. I never used vile language unless I was truly pissed off. I think it was wholeheartedly the fact that I was mad at him that shocked him. I hung up not really caring to hear his response.

Within moments I was in my car and on my way over to his place. My excuse for leaving my own party had sounded completely valid to my own ears…but vapid to those in the room. My words drawing dark even slits into Tyler's expression as I spoke them. He was leery of Mykel…that much was completely obvious to everyone but me.

Others easily read my masks that were so well hidden in my own eyes. This was yet another factor not known by me. It was a fact that I was not to learn until much later in life…until things had changed even more dramatically between Mykel and myself.

There was no real moment of clarification when I reached Mykel's house. I was still angry with him for bringing things out in myself that I normally kept so well hidden.

I knocked at his door. I had expected for him to not answer. In all our times of being friends…not once had I been as angry as I felt at that moment. It was a feeling that I relished. If I could remain angry with him then I could surely turn my back on him if it ever came down to that.

My thoughts were useless at a time like this…from the moment he opened the door I knew I could never leave him behind. His eyes, normally so deep and understanding, were filled with fright. He was scared of me…for what reasons I'll never know.

He stared at me through the screen door. To me it felt like forever before he actually spoke.

"Danielle…look I'm sorry for yelling at you. Cathy and I broke up again three days ago."

My eyebrow arched up at his words.

"So what…does this mean we're no longer friends?"

I can never be sure…but I think it was my tone of voice that made him smile. The expression only wavered for a moment before disappearing. I couldn't help the sharp intake of my breath that followed. That smile had an effect on my mind…it was a shadow of the man he was to become.

"Look Mykel…I have about fifteen people waiting for us back at my place. Why don't you get ready and we'll go back. It's pretty much guaranteed that if I don't hand you a beer back there…then someone else will."

Never let it be said that Mykel didn't have a wild side. At seventeen the offer of alcohol was bound to make any teenager happy. He was no exception whatsoever. That was his way of life…tempting fate in ways he knew he could get away with.

It took him a total of ten minutes before he was actually ready. After we were seated safely in the car and about halfway back, I heard him ask me a question that made me cringe deep inside.

"Did you invite Sarah?" I couldn't explain why his words hurt me so deeply. There was a deep moment of flashback to our younger days…when he was so enamored and just came by to see her. I hid my jealousy well.

"No…but if you want to see her you could always just go next door." My voice was barely a whisper of its normal volume. Mykel didn't comment about it.

There is so much of this party that lays forgotten in my mind. Only a few things still stand out enough to take me back. What I can remember is filled with the soft haze of too much alcohol and cigarette smoke.

For some strange reason…anytime I got around cigarettes it disgusted me to no end. All I could do was try to focus on getting away from that haze. But that night I didn't care. All I wanted to do was go home to all my friends and get so drunk that I didn't have to remember Mykel's inquiry dealing with Sarah. He of all people should've known why I hated her so much. But after four years…it still came down to her. That alone was a thought that brought me back into a darkness seemingly forgotten.

Our entrance was nothing to be acknowledged. We walked into my house without a word to anyone. It took me all of five seconds to realize that Joy and Tyler had disappeared. But despite my inquires, not one person wanted to admit to their whereabouts.

It wasn't until after I had drunk two beers that I found out where they were. In my haste to leave the party I had disregarded that jealousy doesn't only reign in myself. They had followed me to Mykel's…curious as to why I had insisting in him being there.

The alcohol had numbed my senses by this point. It didn't matter that I was untrusted by those I thought cared about me. I wouldn't have changed my actions that night…even to this day. For Mykel was my whole world. My soul reason for existence.

When they did finally come back, I knew that things were different. I had done nothing to instigate the priorities of those around me. It was only after the bitter argument with Tyler in the back yard that I finally realized my mistake. I had taken a relationship that I cared nothing about to a level not wanted. I was to finally see the effect my friends had on my life.

Tyler left that night. I never saw him again. But despite even that loneliness that enveloped me in my everyday life I still could not let go of Mykel.

I was still sitting on the back porch when Mykel came looking for me. I felt his presence like a lightning bolt about to strike.

"What the hell do you want Mykel?" The words came out harsher than I had expected.

He wasn't deterred by my attitude or tone of voice.

"Everyone's leaving Dani. I don't know for sure what's going on…but I do know it's somehow my fault. I'm sorry…" His voice trailed away into the darkness of the night that surrounded us.

"Mykel…have you ever wondered why we're here? I'm not saying tonight or anything." My words weren't coming out the way I intended…so I stopped talking.

"Dani, I'm going to run next door and say hello to Sarah. It's been four years since I've seen her. I'm kind of curious as to what she's up to." I glanced up to search for his eyes, but they were turned away.

I knew that he still loved her at that moment. I also knew that there was nothing I could do about it. It was at this point that my anger, that had been on the brink all night, finally turned on full force.

For four years I had wasted my life loving him. Four years full of pain and betrayal. It was too much for my tenacious grip on reality. I let him stand up and walk away. There was no point in asking him to stay any longer. He was about to go get the one thing he truly cared about. I was to be left behind…with no second glances.

After ten minutes of sitting in the cold I finally stood up and went back into the house. It was empty…my so-called friends choosing to leave me at a time that I felt I would need them most.

I sat in my living room for hours. I didn't know what I was waiting for. I knew that Mykel wouldn't be back…his heart and truth lay elsewhere. They had never been as much a part of me as I had thought.

My pain was expressed in tears. Bitter salt water that coursed down my cheeks…each tear pulling a little bit more of my sanity with it. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I needed the closeness I knew only he could give me. But I was alone…brutally so.

"Dani…?" His voice, so concerned, pulled me up slightly from the chasm I was slowly falling into.

"What do you want Mykel? Was she not good enough for you? Did she not treat you right?" I couldn't help the sarcasm that dripped from my mouth like acid.

"No wait…that can't be it. You enjoy it when they treat you like shit. So no…she must've just been everything you ever wanted."

I stood up at the last part of my speech. I didn't care if he was angry now. Just as I was sure he didn't care about whether or not I lived or died. I was back inside my darkness…and this time even he couldn't pull me out. I ran past him into my room. I was so tired. Tired of living…tired of loving someone I could never have. I wanted to sleep…I wanted to die.

I reached for the pain medication prescribed for a sprained ankle I'd had about three months before. It was blindly that I took the pills. I had shoved nearly a dozen down my throat before he stopped me. He knew me all too well.

"Danielle! What the fuck do you think you’re doing!"

His hand reached out knocking the tiny bottle from my hands.

"Don't you even realize? Do you care what this would do to me? I can't lose you…Oh my god! How many did you take?"

The words tumbled out of his mouth with no response from me. He kept shouting at me…as if it would help take back what I had already done. All he did was make me sick. That in turn, saved my life.

His voice finally came down from the high shouting when my hand went to my mouth. I ran past him to the bathroom…praying I would make it on time. I was lying on the floor afterwards when I realized that he was there with me. His hands were stroking my hair in an attempt I can only figure out as comforting. I pushed his hands away with a vengeance. I wanted nothing to do with this man that caused me more pain than even the darkness could enthrall.

My eyes closed and the darkness of sleep overwhelmed me.

~@~

It was hours later before I actually woke up. It took me a few moments to realize I was lying in my own bed. He was wrapped around me once more.

The epiphany that followed was much worse. My eyes filled up with tears again in an attempt at resolve. I didn't know how much more pain that Mykel was going to cause in me.

"Dani, do you feel better?" The words flowed from him softly.

I knew he had been awake the entire time. I didn't answer him. I knew that any answer I could provide him with would only draw out the pain…make it trifle in my own mind.

"I didn't know if I should've taken you to a hospital or not. But I figured that the pills came up with everything else. So I knew that you just needed rest. I figured it would be better to just lay you in bed. Then maybe when you woke up you would be okay." Each word he spoke blew softly against the auburn locks that curled around my face.

"You didn't have to stay Mykel. You could've gone back to your precious Sarah." It was resentfulness that coated my words now.

"Dani…how could you be so very stupid and so very smart at the same time? Do you want me to face this harsh world alone? Is that what you really want?"

I tried to pull away at his words. His grip just grew tighter.

"It's always about you isn't it Mykel? Has it ever occurred to you that not everything is about you? It's my life!" The vehemence spat from my lips.

"Yeah but it's my…" His words trailed away. I don't know why, but his body shivered against mine.

"It's your what Mykel? With the way you act towards me, I know that I mean nothing to you. You hurt me so often…and yet you seem to not even notice. I do have feelings Mykel. I think it's about damn time you learned that." His arms grew even tighter around me. It seemed impossible to breath.

I felt something warm and wet drop against my face. It took me a moment to realize he was crying.

"Don't ever scare me like that again. I thought you were gone for good."

It was a statement that came from his heart. He cried only when things affected him the wrong way…but not once had it ever been for me.

"Mykel…can you make me feel better. Just for tonight? I know it's an odd way to propose this…but I can only feel better through you." I rubbed my body against his. I knew it was wrong to do. Especially on the heels of what I had just attempted. But there was nothing I could do to take it back.

"No Dani. Our friendship is important to me. I don't want to take the chance of screwing it up. It would just get weird afterwards. I can't…I won't take that chance. I'm already too scared of losing you."

My body stopped automatically. It wasn't a game anymore. I could do nothing about where we were headed. It was now solely his responsibility.

"Mykel…if our friendship is so important, then tell me we'll be friends forever. I need some self assurance, of a far more lasting kind." My eyes were growing heavy. I knew it was the alcohol but I wanted to hear his answer. It was the only way I could sleep.

"I can't tell you something I don't know for certain Dani. I can only promise to try. I know that may not be enough…but it'll have to do for now..."

I drifted asleep while he was still talking.

~@~

The next few months passed by slowly for me. Despite everything Mykel had ever said to me, I knew that it was only a matter of time before he left. We were drifting apart as only we knew how.

Before I knew it high school was over. For me it was a blessing. I had stood by for the past four years and watched my entire world fall apart. It revolved around one person that seemed to be disappearing from my life.

I wanted so badly to go to his graduation. But circumstances held me back. Cathy was a part of Mykel's life once more. I could no longer be around her and keep a straight face. I feared my true feelings for Mykel would show as plainly as everything else seemed to. So it was with great reliance on our friendship that I didn't make an appearance at his day of honor.

It rained that day. My ceremony cut short from the long proceedings that normally follow a celebration of leaving our tiny world and moving into a bigger and harsher world. I was grateful for it. I wanted nothing more than to leave and never go back. High school was just as dreaded as the rest of my life.

I didn't know if I would see him that day. I was at the point of not caring where he was and what he decided to do. I only cared about my job that would help me survive in the real world. And even that was a minimal approach at life.

I didn't dread facing the world. I had already faced the hell of life in school. I figured that anything after that would be easy.

But my lesson on life was still to be learned. It was a lesson that any teenager about to face the world would find out soon enough. School is easy compared to actual life. When you're in school there are people who care about you.

Teachers…counselors…even the people you considered only acquaintances.

Real life was different. Real life will take you in and spit you out without thinking twice. It can be lonely and dangerous…especially when you're on your own.

It would be a hard lesson to learn. Taking many years away from my actual frame of mind…and placing me in a state of dismal distress. But nothing could deter me away from my disposition. It was only a vain hope that Mykel would still be there for me in the future. That was my one aspiration…the only thing I harbored in my heart.

I was to find out differently that very night.

~@~

He came to me that night. His face was sallow, his eyes hollow. I knew it wasn't what he was telling me that was drawing him away…it was what he didn't want to tell me that night that made it surreal.

I was sitting in my room, my eyes forever drawn to the ceiling, when he walked in. I had a habit of drowning in that darkness that I so feared. I would turn out all the lights and sit there for hours. In a way that was the only thing I could do to assure myself that I wasn't hallucinating my entire life. I could hurt myself by offering my soul to the darkness.

His knock on the door frightened me more than I would've liked to admit. Because Mykel had been in my life for four years, I had forgotten about how dark things can really be. It didn't matter how he had treated me. I failed to see the darkness that only he could bring out in me. It was with pure terror that I answered the door. I didn't know what to expect.

When I saw it was him, my body relaxed immediately. Because it was so dark I failed to see the expression on his face. When I did finally get a good look at him I had a moment of pure terror again. It was in that moment that I realized he was there to tear apart my world. When my eyes locked in his I knew it for certain.

"Danielle, I need to talk to you."

I knew. It was in his voice…in the way he stood in front of me. I tried to block it out. I didn't want to hear his message. I knew he was about to leave me. His eyes told me all I needed to know.

"No Mykel…don't tell me. I don't want to know." My words squeaked out of my throat. I was almost in tears…and he had yet to tell me what he was there for.

"Danielle…I have to tell you something. It's important, and I know it's not something you'll want to hear." He paused when my face turned away from his. I felt his hand on my chin turning me back towards him.

"I joined the Marines. I leave in two weeks." His voice was flat. If only there had been some emotion in those words. Then I might have accepted them for what they really were. It was a chance for me to stop caring about him. He was giving me an opportunity to walk away.

"You're leaving…" My voice was but a mere whisper.

"I didn't want it to be this way…but I've known for two months now. I knew I had to tell you. I couldn't just walk away and leave you behind."

The hurt rose in my chest…and with it came a rush of anger. It was a manifestation of everything I had put up with him for. He was leaving me behind without a second thought. The very thought that he had known about this for so long already just made my irrationality jump to an entirely new level.

"I hate you Mykel!" Tears began to stream down my face as I screamed at him.

My fists connected with his chest over and over.

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

He stood there, not making any move to stop my tantrum. That in itself made me even angrier.

"How could you know about this and not tell me?! How could you just walk away from me without a second thought? I HATE YOU!"

My fist contacted with his cheek and he finally reached out a hand to stop me.

"Danielle, do you have any idea how important this is to me?" His hands held onto mine tightly.

"You once told me that I only thought of myself…now that is what you're doing." His next words were cynical enough to make me stop struggling from his grasp.

"Don't you care about me at all?"

My body went slack. Dejectedly I pulled away from him and turned around so that I couldn't see his face.

"Just go Mykel. Get out. If I ever decide to understand this then I'll let you know."

I never heard him leave. I just turned around a few minutes later and he was gone.

The tears flowed even more freely after that. I was now on my own once more. I knew I couldn't do anything about it but hope. And hope had never come easily for me.

~@~

It was only two months later when I wrote my first letter to him. It was nothing consequential. Little bits and pieces of what I was doing with my life. What my family and his were up to. I wasn't to receive a response for quite some time.

I visited his mother often. In a way it helped me hold onto the past we once shared. On the times that we had decided to be at his house his mother had treated me with nothing but respect. I grew to love her almost as much as I loved Mykel. She became a surrogate mother of sorts…despite the fact that my own mother was still there for me whenever I needed her.

It was through Mykel's mother that I learned he had married Cathy. The news hit me like a cold shower that was never to end. In a rush of words I wrote a letter to him and sent it off before thinking to deeply. In my letter I told him that he was making mistakes with his life that would be hard to rectify. I claimed to know of his heart…and Cathy's. She would leave him in the end. But not before she had managed to destroy his world.

It was this letter that he finally answered. I knew he would. He could never resist standing up for his precious Cathy. I received a postcard stating nothing more than his claims of true love. I didn't care. I had heard it all in the past. She had cheated on him once…she would do so again.

It was pure rebellion of Mykel's marriage that drove me into another man’s arms. Within three months of meeting Jeff, we were engaged. I pretended to be happy…with not one person able to tell the difference. I lied more to myself than I did anyone else.

It was this man that I willingly gave my virginity to. I knew I could no longer wait for Mykel. It would be four months before I realized my mistake.

Jeff had been sporadic in where he was spending his nights. Each time he called me it would be one excuse or another. The epiphany hit me when I saw him in the mall with another woman. She had to have been at least five months pregnant.

I didn't cause a scene. It wasn't until later that night that I actually approached him about the other woman. In a fit of tears and grief, he admitted he had been seeing this woman and that she was pregnant with his child.

Our engagement was broken before I could even breathe a sigh of relief. Despite the fact that I was in love with another man…I would not stand for unfaithfulness in a relationship. I knew that once trust was broken in a relationship, then nothing could save it. I sent Jeff to the other woman willingly, not even realizing that it was what I had intended in the first place.

For a year afterwards I drifted aimlessly. I enrolled in college in the hopes that maybe the soft assurance of classrooms around me would make me feel safe. It never occurred to me that I had been miserable in school. I just wanted a way of drifting back in time. Something that would draw back that feeling of closeness I shared with Mykel.

Through it all, I wrote to him and continued to visit his mother. My letter went unanswered…my talks with his mother lying only in what he and Cathy were doing with their lives. He was in California…having been assigned to a base not too far from the shore.

Mykel's mother never questioned me about my feelings. It was something I knew she understood but couldn't make me face. She took me to the stables often. Horseback riding became a great passion of ours. When we were out in the fields I could tell her things that I was too afraid to say while immersed in civilization. Our talks would drift from one subject to another…each time drawing closer to my true feelings for her son.

It was two months later that I ran into John. Literally. I had been walking through the mall when I turned around to go back to a store that caught the corner of my eye. I hadn't known there was someone behind me until it was too late. I ran into him full force, knocking us both to the floor.

I glanced over to see whom I had run into and apologize. When my eyes met John's my apology died in my throat. The shock of seeing the one ex-boyfriend that ever truly understood me was enough to make me shudder. I couldn't quite find my voice until he stood up…his hand reaching down to offer assistance for me to stand as well.

We stood for a few moments and stared at each other. I saw him in my mind’s eye and could tell he hadn't changed at all. He still had the same dark expression he always had when we were seeing each other in high school. His voice was shocked when he finally did speak.

"Dani, how are you?"

A smile flitted over his face but I knew it wasn't a true smile. It was at that moment that I realized exactly how much I had hurt him in school. His words still haunted me in my sleep. Always coming back to the walls around my heart.

"Fine…how are you?" It was a tentative question. We both knew it at the time.

"Well I joined the Navy. I've been in the service for about 4 years now. What about you? Are you married? Any kids?"

Despite the obvious shake of my head I knew I still had to answer him.

"No. I came close to marriage…but well that fell apart. How about you?"

John shook his head as well.

"No I haven't married yet either." John turned his head towards the end of the mall and gestured nervously.

"Look Dani, why don't we get together later and talk. I would stay and catch up on everything with you right now…but well I have an appointment I need to get to."

I knew he was just making an excuse. I agreed to get together later, knowing it would never happen. I began to turn away from him when he stopped me.

"How are we supposed to talk if I don't have your number?"

He smiled at me and this time I knew it was genuine. I gave him my number…never once thinking he would call.

It was two hours later that I found out otherwise. My phone rang and I answered automatically. John's voice on the other end of the line shocked me. Reluctantly I made plans to meet him at the closest restaurant.

Our conversation that night was of remembrances. We stayed well into the night. So late, in fact, that they literally kicked us out at closing time. But it didn't end there. We drove out to a park and sat on the swings talking until almost five in the morning.

This was to be our courtship. We began to see each other every night and talk. Occasionally we saw a movie or went out to eat…but always in the end, we would be at the park. My jaw hurt on the occasional night of rational endless talking. We spoke of psychology and stuff that only two uneven minds could come up with.

It was a mere two months later that he proposed to me. The shock of it all was enough to knock me backwards out of the swing I had begun to claim as mine. He had asked me jokingly. I had no idea that he was serious until he pulled a ring from his pocket.

At the site of that diamond my throat closed up. The sheer commitment of that tiny rock made me want to run away as fast as possible. I knew what it would mean to give myself to another human being. What I feared most was losing myself in the process.

My voice was hollow when I asked him if I could think it over. His eyes didn't flicker from mine. He understood my reluctance…he was the one person who had seen me for what I was. A scared child crying out for freedom of a man I couldn't have.

I had never told him of Mykel. But he knew I was still waging the same battle I had been fighting in high school. He didn't know that I still waited for Mykel…despite the fact that he was happily married.

I went home that night with every intention of telling him no the next day. My thoughts haunted me the entire night until I could no longer take it. In a brief respite, I wrote a letter to Mykel. For once I admitted that I loved him. I asked him why he had treated me the way he did the entire time we'd known one another. It was not the way I had ever intended on telling him, but I needed to be free of Mykel.

The letter was mailed the very next day. I didn't know if I would receive a reply from him or not. I only cared in eradicating him from my system. My letter was a string that was to be cut between us.

I accepted John's proposal the next day. For the next three months I was to wonder if it was possible to love more than one person at the same time. It was a thought that crept up on me on those nights when John couldn't be by my side. In deep reflection one night I realized it no longer mattered. I did love John. I knew it was nowhere near the obsessive love I had taken on with Mykel…but I loved him still.

I married John on a Wednesday three months later. Invitations had gone out to everyone but Mykel. His mother replying to me only to say that she was sorry but she couldn't show up. I understood completely. She never told me…but I knew why. It was only a fool who could see my marriage for what it was. A farce so well connived that even I never knew it.

Throughout the ceremony I expected nothing more than for Mykel to show up and demand I stop and marry him. I was somewhat disappointed when the day passed without any such event.

If I look back now I can see my marriage for what it truly was…it was a test for Mykel and myself. When he didn't show up, I knew that it was now over between the two of us. Whatever we held in the past was long gone…leaving only crumbs of what I had always wanted.

Within two months, John got new orders. We were to move to California. I convinced him to let me stay where we grew up. Whenever he came back into port he could just fly back to the city and we could see each other then. It took several weeks alone for him to agree to this…but I was stubborn. So stubborn that I often wondered what my motives were for my insistence. John left a few weeks later with a saddened heart. I could tell by the expression on his face that he wished I were going with him.

I knew the moment the letter from Mykel arrived why I had been so adamant about staying. Our apartment had been the one place I knew I could guarantee that Mykel knew how to get a hold of me.

After four months of waiting I finally got the reply to a letter I had written in the bowels of confusion. There was talk of friendship and apologies…but not once did Mykel ever say anything about Cathy. His words focused on his feelings for me and how bad he felt for treating me the way he had.

I cried for two days solid over that letter. I read each word until I had it memorized word for word. In those three sheets of paper I could finally see the love he felt for me. It was heartbreaking to find out too late.

It was that very night that Mykel's mother called me. She asked me to go riding with her the next day. There was something she wanted to tell me…but it had to be in person. I was on a basis of true heart wrenching pain.

What I was to find out that next day would tear my very soul apart. The horse that was normally temperamental had even remained calm as Mykel's mother explained that him and Cathy were divorcing. Mykel had walked in on her with another man.

The very fact that I was now married killed me. I knew that once I was with John, then I would not leave him unless he was unfaithful. It was a new hurt that excelled over my heart. This was the feeling that I had made the mess this time. I could no longer blame Mykel for the fact that we weren't living happily together. It was now just as much my fault as it was his. I had made myself unattainable for an entire lifetime…knocking away a future I couldn't admit I wanted until that very moment.

I left the stables that day with a dismal view of my marriage. It became an obsession to find faults in John. If I could find things wrong with him, then maybe when Mykel came to lay claim on me I could leave with no qualms. The situation was unfair to John. I know that now as well. But my reasons were justified in my mind. I never really realized my expectations of Mykel were still too high. I had forgotten that his truths and faith lie in any other woman but myself.

For the next four months I wrote to Mykel weekly. My letters to John were more sporadic than that. It was when he forgot my birthday that I wrote a hateful letter towards him. Then he lost the wedding ring I had so carefully picked out and bought for him.

I can never let it be said that I wasn't looking for these faults. This is normal in marriage. For each person to find a way out. The small arguments that normally were fought over love. I didn't know how much I was growing to hate John. I never wanted to admit that might send him away so that I no longer had to be married.

He came back after six months. The reception he received was nothing spectacular. I was trying to be a good wife. I wanted my marriage to work with John…but deep down I knew that it was falling apart.

On the day that he arrived back we approached the subject of starting a family. John wanted a child more than anything in the world. I knew that I couldn't bring a child into the world when I no longer loved the man I married. There were telltale signs of adultery around John these days. Despite the fact that John had said he could never cheat on me…I knew he was doing just that.

I stayed with him despite it all. I was not the type to just walk away from something until I had proof. Perhaps that was the rational side of me…I'm never quite sure.

It wasn't until I had actually caught him in bed with our neighbor that I could walk away. The site of John and this woman writhing around on _my_ bed made me shudder with revulsion. But more than anything I wanted to laugh. I was relieved that I had been right…relieved that I no longer had to play a part I neither relished nor adored.

No matter how much John apologized I couldn't stay with him. My love for the man had disappeared within a matter of eight months. What I was to not find out until later than night was that John could not be that easily deterred.

I left them in that bed together. Each of them apologizing profusely towards me as they pulled on their clothes. I turned and walked out into the day with a smile on my face.

My smile faltered when I got to my car. I didn't know where to go or what to do. When John and I got married I had quit my job. It took me almost fifteen minutes to make a decision. I could either go over to see Mykel's mother or I could go home to my own mother.

I chose Mykel's mother. I needed a friend more than anything at this point. I knew I could depend on her for the truth. I was sure now that I wanted a divorce but I still needed reassurance that I was going to be okay.

I drove to her house within moments. I was stepping out of the car when I spotted something that made me collapse onto the ground. Mykel was walking out of the house. His face held the exact same shocked expression mine did. I could do nothing but stare at the man I hadn't seen in over ten months.

There was a blond girl standing beside him staring at me with complete contempt. I didn't know who she was but I disliked her automatically. She seemed to look at me in a way that could be described as territorial. Within moments, she had managed to pull Mykel away from me. They were walking away with Mykel staring intently in my direction. I got only a slight wave from him.

I found my footing a moment later. By then it was too late. Mykel was driving down the street away from me. I had to resist the urge to go running after the car. I was not foolish enough to make a scene.

Instead, I made my way up to the front door of the house. Mykel's mother took one look at me and ushered me into the house before even asking what was the matter. What I couldn't tell her…what I knew was the truth…was the fact that seeing Mykel with another woman had set me more askew then the actual fact of seeing my husband in bed with another woman.

She took me to the stables that day. Drawing a story of lust and betrayal from the deepest pores of my soul in the process. It was through her advice that I went back to the apartment and insist John leave instead of the other way around. My first thought had been to leave…but now I knew she was right. I was going to fight to keep my bearing instead of finding myself in a hole of doubt.

I went home that night with a new hope. I could tell John to leave. After what he had done it wouldn't be a problem. I realized my mistake when I got home. I wanted nothing more than to lay down in bed and sleep. John had other plans. He put his foot down when I insisted he leave.

I gave up after about an hour of arguing. I told him I couldn't care less if he slept on the couch but I was going to bed. He followed me leaving nothing between us but a mere few inches.

"Would you get the hell away from me!" My voice rose in anger as he deified my only request so far that day.

"No! I'm sleeping with my wife tonight! You have no choice in the matter!"

"Or so you think!" I screamed back as I grabbed a blanket and pillow from the bed.

"I'm sleeping on the couch. I want you gone in the morning!"

John followed me out of the room. In an act of rebellion I ran towards the bathroom. I had to get away from this man who kept insisting he still loved me. He was so close behind me that I didn't even realize it until I slammed the door on his face. I heard a sickening crack before the door was yanked back open.

Blood was gushing from John's nose now. The site of it made my stomach go queasy. I ran out the front door. I knew that he was now so mad that wasn't realizing how strange he was acting.

He stopped me halfway out the door. Pulling me back into his body in a sickening gesture of a hug.

I lost it at that point. Before I knew it I was punching, kicking, and hitting him with all my might. His eyes grew wide as saucers at the words I was screaming without even realizing it.

"You goddamn bastard! Why can't you just leave in peace? Leave me the fuck alone! Get the fuck away from me!"

His arms grew slack and I finally realized he was letting me go. I stood up in an odd posture. Turning, I walked away from him. I'll never know exactly what it was that I said that made him realize I no longer loved him, but it was obvious that he had finally giving up.

I stayed the night at my parent's house. I wanted nothing to do with John. I just wanted to go back home without him being there. Unbeknownst to me, Mykel and John had other plans.

I was watching television the next day when Mykel appeared at the front door. He walked into the house and stared at me with dark eyes. I didn't quite know what to say after what had happened the day before, but it was obvious he was angry.

"Danielle Leigh Torris…get your ass in the car right now!"

I stared at him as if he were a dark vision from hell. I didn't know quite what was going on. All I knew was that I wanted no part of it.

"Get the hell out of my house Mykel!" Those were the only words I got out of my mouth before he interrupted me. Before I knew it I was thrown over his shoulder in some crude caveman gesture. I was seething mad. I knew he was stronger than me and so did he. The thought was enough to make me fight against him.

"Stop it Danielle!" his voice was harsh with anger, "You don't want me to drop you!"

Yes I did!

It was enough to make my mind spin when he walked out of the house and threw me into his car. The girl that I had seen with him the day before was sitting in the back seat. Mykel got into the driver’s seat and started to back up before I could jump out of the car.

"Danielle, meet Sharon. She's my fiancé." I couldn't believe it. After everything I had been going through he was engaged **_again_**.

By this point we had reached my apartment. I was so angry that I didn't care where we were. He had betrayed me once again. When I made no move to leave the car he spoke to me like I was a child.

"Do I have to carry you up the stairs as well?"

"Don't touch me Mykel! I can't fucking stand you anymore!"

"Now Danielle…both of us know that's a lie. You're my best friend. How could you hurt me like that?" He was still speaking to me with that child tone. I wanted to reach over and scratch his eyes out at that point.

He waited a full minute more before realizing I had absolutely no intention of moving. Within moments he was out of the car and on my side. I was thrown over his shoulder once more. As he carried me to the apartment he talked softly to me.

"Dani, how could you do this to John? You know he loves you. Why would you attack him with no warning whatsoever?"

"I suppose when he called you he failed to mention his extramarital activities as well." The words spat out of my mouth like venom.

Mykel stopped walking automatically. "Are you telling me he cheated on you?"

"Yes you asshole!" the words began to seethe out of me, "I walked in on him and our goddamned neighbor!"

Mykel place me gently onto the ground in front of him. His eyes locked with mine and I realized that nothing had changed between us. I could still fall into that gaze the same way I had the entire time I'd known him. His hand came up to caress my cheek in a gesture of comfort.

"I'm sorry…I-I didn't know." The words were so soft I barely heard them. In an instant I forgave him. I could do nothing more than that. I knew at that point that if I was patient then the time would come for us. But the waiting alone would probably put me in my grave first.

That was the last opposition I received from him. Instead of brutally pushing me through the door of my apartment, he helped me by telling John to leave. There were a lot of harsh words between them…but nothing that would ever be brought up to each other again. It would be the last and only time they ever spoke in person.

I found out later that Mykel was only on leave for another three days before he had to go back. Ironically enough, he was to go back to California.

I thought at the time that Sharon was just a transition girl. I figured at the heels of his marriage that was just breaking up, there was no way he could be in love with her for real.

Once again, I was to learn later just how wrong I could be.

~@~


	4. Part IV: Triumph Over Evil

10:13 AM

It's funny how easy it is to look back and make judgments upon those things that once seemed so right. It's your past that can tell you which way to turn in the future…a past that is laid carefully out in your mind with memories. And within each memory therein lies a good intention.

But the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

It's not like we weren't headed to hell in the first place. At least as far as I thought about it. Within everything we had gone through I knew there could be no other destination for us. Not at this particular moment of our lives. We were damned…there was no other explanation.

Part of it was within him. His truth and faith were deeply imbedded into his beliefs. His heart treading only in my direction. That was a sin in the eyes of God. To pride and cherish something more than the lord…the mother of sin being pride.

I take the blame for my part as well. I trusted no one but him. My friends and family were only way stations against the grain of life. I sinned in pride as well. But my sin dwelled even deeper than his did. I had faith in only him. The father of sin being theft. I stole my trust away from an unforgiving lord…only to turn to what I knew best. The feel of his arms around me…the words of love falling from his lips.

I was to blame fate for everything else. It was fate that stole him from me…and fate that brought him back.

But we had beaten fate. Our lives were bonded so well now that nothing would take him from me. It was with these thoughts that I could finally find peace. I could sit across from him and eat a breakfast I neither wanted, nor felt the urge to consume.

"Do you think it's all predestined?" His voice was soft over our breakfast table.

I sighed before answering. I knew this question all too well. I couldn't remember how many times he had asked me that very question. It was almost always the same plain answer that I normally gave.

"I used to think so…now I'm not so sure."

His eyebrows rose in question towards me. I knew that the time had come again. Time to explain my actions as well as my words. It was a routine we had well choreographed.

"M…" I paused, his name lost on my lips, trying to find the answers we both sought.

"If everything was supposed to be this way then why did we endure so much pain? Why did we lose those we cherished in such a short span of time? Was it predestined for a three-month-old child to die? Or much less, someone we both cared about more than anything else besides each other?"

His eyes filled up with tears at my words. "You once told me that we survived everything for a reason. That we endured the pain of life only to see a future that remained uncertain. Do you still believe this?"

I stood up and turned away from his prying eyes. I couldn't answer these new questions...questions that seemed too deep to even contemplate. To tell him of our future seemed so trite. There was nothing I could do to change what had become of us. Nothing I could do to change the future that was rushing in to claim our very lives.

He knew me all too well. My avoidance was never easy with him. "Do you think we'll be together in the end?"

It was a simple question. One that I knew he wouldn't be able to resolve. But within the question lie an answer that I was unwilling to face. It was the truth of things yet to come. The truth of our very hearts.

"That's a hard question to abide by. Especially when you look at our other memories. I don't know if God will be as kind as he once was. Our luck seems to have run out then."

I turned back towards him.

In the harsh morning light I see the boy he once used to be. The gray is gone from his temples…the laugh lines I lovingly adore each time I kiss him are hidden in the shadows of the sun. He looks young. His eyes shining with tears that strike me deep in my chest.

"I love you." The words slip softly out of my mouth so softly that I am unsure he even heard me.

"I love you too." The words roll off his tongue in a whisper.

We cannot acknowledge our words for what they truly are. In four words we are asking for forgiveness from each other…asking for a future that fate holds so tenuously in her grasp. I close my eyes and tilt my head back. It's several moments later that I hear his voice again.

"Do you think we'll ever stop running from the past?" These words draw my attention back towards his face. The shadows have dimmed and I can see the gray once more. The tiny lines around those deep hazel eyes are back as well. I know the vision for what it truly is. A glimpse of the past I so cherish.

"I don't run from the past. I dwell in it. I wish I could run…that at least would be something. Still, it feels like we're missing something important. Don't you feel it?" His head seemed to nod slightly before he could stop it.

"I guess we just focus on what you remember. My thoughts on the past are easier to forget then remember. I don't think what I went through has as much significance as your experiences." He paused, catching my eyes again.

"They knew even then what you stood for…didn't they?"

They certainly did. It was our hidden enemies that stepped in with a man named Allen.

~@~

It had been a month since my last confrontation with John. In my haste to escape him I had taken a step away from everyone. I became even more withdrawn then I had ever been. I paid little attention to the people that raised me…much less the brood of children my sisters had produced.

I cared about nothing…most of all my family. They had never understood me to begin with. This whole charade of my life seemed to be yet another phase they failed to see the right way.

I cared for nothing except Mykel. And he was gone…this time to an entirely different state. Promises of letters and phone calls had fallen from his lips on the day he left, but I knew that nothing was to change.

A month after he left I went to visit Mykel's mother again. It was then that I learned he had married Sharon not to long after arriving in California. I was more prepared for the news this time. It struck me just as deeply…but for some reason I seemed to accept it all the same.

Despite the fact that she tried to give me hope for a future of friendship with Mykel, I still knew the truth. Mykel was almost completely gone from my life. It was time to either move on…or die. I still wasn't sure which one I wanted to do.

She offered to take me to the stables that day and I refused. I needed time alone to make a decision. I knew if she got me out there I would confess much more than I wanted to. To reveal the future I was planning for myself would be too much. I let no one in on my thoughts of death.

The decision was easily brought to light. I arrived back at my house with full intention of just ending it all. I wanted nothing more to do with a life full of pain and darkness.

A man was standing at my doorstep when I arrived at my apartment. His eyes raked up and down my form like it was nothing. The whole scene made me shudder.

"Hi…I live downstairs. I was wondering if maybe you had a cup of sugar I could borrow." I don't know what it was but something told me to take a step back at that moment. This man was dark in his heart. I could feel it.

"Um…I'm not really sure if I have any. If you can hold on I'll check." He moved aside so I could unlock the door, then proceeded to follow me into my kitchen. The very fact that he had the gall to just walk in made my blood run cold.

I opened my cupboard and pulled out a bag of sugar. Hi eyes lit up and for one brief moment I wondered if I had misjudged him.

"You know…it's a rare thing when I can make a man smile with just a bag of sugar." His grin flitted back and I knew that my first opinion had been wrong. This man wouldn't hurt a fly…much less another human being.

I was to learn much later how wrong I was. My first judgment had been the correct assumption. But at that moment, I faltered.

He stuck his hand out towards me still smiling. "My name's Allen…and let me tell you, my kids will be extremely happy to see that sugar. They have been bugging me for kool-aid all day."

I shook his hand then handed him the bag. "Take it all. I very rarely use it. My meals consist more of healthy foods."

He shook his head persistently at my words.

"I couldn't do that. Not unless…" He paused and I could see he was trying to work something into the conversation.

"Well, unless you would come down and drink a glass with us."

"Um…does your wife like you hitting on other women?" The question was straight and simple. I really didn't care if he was married or not. All that mattered was that I wanted him out of my apartment.

"I'm divorced. Actually, that's why I don't have any sugar in the first place. I only get my kids during the summer and I just got them today. It was the one thing I forgot when I went to the store." He laughed at his own words.

I don't quite know why, but I found myself agreeing to go back to his place for kool-aid and dinner. It was a decision based more on fear than anything. Despite my thoughts of death I still feared it. Death stood for darkness…and that was the only thing could overshadow the need to die.

Dinner that night turned out to be a rare occasion of fun. Allen walked me up to my apartment afterwards thanking me for the company the entire time. When we reached the front door, I knew that he was going to kiss me. I still didn't know if I was going to pull away or not.

When it came down to it I didn't pull away. Within moments I had him in my room and we were tearing at each other's clothes. I wanted nothing more than to erase Mykel from my memories. But it was easier said than done. When I came I screamed out his name. It echoed on my lips like sour water.

I was lying there afterwards in Allen's arms. I could do nothing but hate myself for everything I'd done in the past twenty-four hours.

"How did you know my middle name was Michael? I mean I loved the way you said it…with that strain on the last part. But how did you know?"

With my eyes turned away I lied to him.

"Your daughter told me."

"Oh shit! I forgot about the kids. I gotta get back downstairs and make sure they're all right. You gonna be ok if I leave?"

I nodded my head. I didn't want this man in my house anyway. I still couldn't figure out what had possessed me to sleep with him.

"Look darlin, why don't you come down tomorrow and we can chat again. I enjoyed talking to you…and I definitely enjoyed tonight." I watched him walk out of my room without turning around. When the door shut I got out of bed and went to lock it. I didn't want this man coming back.

It was almost five minutes later that I realized tears were coursing down my cheeks. I wiped them away with an angry hand and went back to bed. My mistakes seemed great in my mind. I finally knew why Mykel didn't love me in the same way I did him. I was too screwed up for him. My life was too complicated for his side to be adjusted.

~@~

One-night stands are the worst way to start relationships. You don't know the person until everything has already been revealed. By then it's normally too late to see the mistake that you have trapped yourself into. There is no way to hide the things that seem to plague your soul day after day.

This was very much my problem with Allen. Within a month we had moved in with each other. It was only then that I saw him for what he really was…a devil disguised as a man.

His true personality showed up in an argument. With harsh words hurled my way, he proceeded to say that I was stupid and could never survive without him. Eventually despite everything, I actually began to believe him. It doesn't take too long for a person who is repeatedly told something for them to believe it. He began to distance me from my family. I was allowed no friends except for him. It was only through the shroud of night that I would defy him and write hurried letter to Mykel. I mailed them from my work…never knowing if he suspected or not.

I know now that it was my wish for death that kept me by Allen’s side. I figured that someday he would eventually get tired and take me out of my misery. For this reason I began to love him.

But in the course of the relationship things happened that made me see my mistake. My sister gave birth to a son after Allen and I had been living together for nine months. He was a sweet child. So tiny and helpless. I fell in love with him just as fast as I did with all my other nieces and nephews. But because of Allen I had only been allowed to see him twice in three months. I always figured it was okay. That I would watch him grow up from a distance.

I got the message at seven in the morning on a warm spring day. My nephew had stopped breathing sometime during the night. He was rushed to a hospital but the outcome didn't look good. They didn't expect him to live.

I waited by the phone after hearing my answering machine. The call came only five minutes later from one of my other sisters. At the age of three months, my young nephew was dead.

So much of this day remains clouded in my memory. I remember getting into my car and driving to my oldest sisters’ house. I remember screaming her name out as I ran into the apartment.

When she appeared in the hallway before me I could do nothing but scream more.

"Keagan's dead!"

I saw her crumple to the floor screaming out the word no as she went to her knees. I joined her within moments. Both of us clinging to each other as we felt our tiny world ripped apart at the seams.

I remember being at the hospital. My sister that had lost her child was crumpled on the floor with everyone she loved around her. Everyone but the small baby she had held so lovingly in her arms for three months before he was taken. The prognosis had come down to SIDS.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

The words give you a chill to even read them…but you’ll never know the true impact until you go through it.Our family drew close because of it. We lost a big part of ourselves when we lost Keagen…but we also gained something as well. We gained a closeness that only those of such a disaster can have.

~@~

My trouble with Allen excelled to a new level after Keagen died. He refused to let me go to the funeral, and I defied him. I was not going to let this man tear me away from my family ever again. We fought for almost two months straight before I realized that I was never going to escape him. I had entrapped myself in a dangerous weave and now was too caught to free myself.

But I was wrong about my own will to fight. It was a fight over a stupid movie that closed this chapter in my life and helped me move onto the next.

I wanted to go to a movie with one of the friends I had recently run into. I knew her in high school and we decided to get together and talk. When I mentioned it to Allen he was furious. He denied me once more. But as things had been going for two months already I yelled back. I screamed and told him to leave me the hell alone. That I could do as I pleased.

Before I knew what was happening he had me by throat and was lifting me off the ground. I was thrown towards a concrete wall…barely able to put my hands out to stop from slamming into it full force. Within moments he had my arm twisted behind my back. I felt the snap as it broke in his grip.

It was this pain that cause me to fight back. I was punching him full force in the face, but it didn't seem to faze him in the least. Because it was summer again he had his children. I know now that it was his son that saved my life that night. I was still punching Allen when I happened to glance over his shoulder and see the small three-year-old boy.

"Your son is watching this. Do you really want him to see that his father is a murderer?" My voice was completely calm I knew that was the only way I was going to be able to rationalize with him.

His hands dropped away from me as if he had been burned. He turned towards the boy and I took the opportunity to slip past him. I held my throbbing arm close to my body trying to protect it from the damage I knew to be irrevocable. I feared hitting it against something. My scream would bring him back to finish what he had first been trying to accomplish.

I ran from the house…not stopping to glance back to see if he was chasing me. My friend drove me to my parent's house with words of comfort the entire way. The police were called and Allen was arrested that very night.

My pain from that relationship was to live with me for a very long time. As my arm healed in the plaster cast I still managed to move all my stuff out of our tiny house and into my sisters’ apartment. She accepted me willingly. I knew she would. Now we could cry together. Over her loss of her son…and my loss of yet another love. They never quite compared.

I knew her loss was so much greater.

~@~

I worked to rebuild my life. It was a hard road to go on…but I knew that eventually I would get past the harder part. My toughest challenge was in finding a will to live.

It was with a saddened heart that I finally wrote to Mykel and told him of Keagan's death. I had hesitated in doing so for two months already. I knew that it would affect him just as deeply as the rest of the family. Keagen had been as much his nephew as he was mine.

I had only seen Mykel's mother twice since I moved in with Allen. I went to visit her two weeks after what has come to be known as the night I gained the will to fight back.

I knew she harbored the pain of my losses. She had always wanted the best for me. I saw myself as a failure in her eyes. She corrected me on this not to long after the words fell from my lips. She told me she had always been proud of me, that she had always wanted what was best for me…even if it meant that I would have to wait for Mykel to come to me.

Her words still stun me to this very day.

Because of my broken arm I had been unable to work. My employer fired me only ten minutes after I told him the situation. I was happy to be living with my sister…she understood my situation perfectly.

Mykel's mother tried to help me. She knew about the darkness I fought against…she knew that my will was losing against the pain. We went to the stables for a week straight. Each day I grew to love her even more than before. I could do nothing more than thank her for being there for me. She was my only true friend besides Mykel himself.

It was that day that she told me Sharon was pregnant. I knew it was only in my mind…but within those words I felt the thread between us snap. Mykel now had his own life…I was to remain alone forever.

The thought caused a deeper depression then I ever thought possible.

~@~

Within a few months I got a job with my oldest sister. We ran a little hardware store together. She helped me get an apartment in the same complex as the sister I was living with. We had three out of the four girls my parents had produced now living in the same apartments.

Eventually it got to be a good thing. We would get together and talk through the nights. Our discussions ranging anywhere from children to men. I was seeing a few now and then, but I was hesitant to get involved with someone new.

I threw a party about a month after I had moved into my own apartment. All of my friends gladly accepted the invitation. Each one showing up of their own accord. My sisters didn't make an appearance. They had other things to do that night. I was fine with that. We each had our own lives…as well as the one we shared.

Depression strikes at the weirdest moments in your life. I never knew that the night of my party would be one of great distress. I only knew that I wanted to get together with my friends. To make up to them for what Allen had put us all through.

We drank and smoked pot well into the night. Each of us catching up on the times we missed out on in the past eleven months.

The depression came from a discussion about choices and decisions. I got into a heated discussion with one of my friends over the fact. I insisted that in everything you had a choice. He insisted that there were some situations that didn't give you a choice. The logic was perfectly clear on both sides. It would've made sense to anyone…but both of us had distanced ourselves from the others so we could discuss it.

Eventually everyone joined the discussion. We gathered together in the tiny living room to argue it. After a while, I grew tired of the constant disagreeing. I placed my head in my knees and began to think of other things.

In this position I could only see darkness. It beckoned to me in ways that only a true manic-depressive could understand. For the first time ever I realized I wanted to join that darkness. I was still terrified of it, but now there was a very real appeal to it.

Tears were falling down my cheeks. In the position I was in, not one person knew I was crying. They didn't think twice about walking out of the room. The discussion had finally waned and everyone wanted a new drink. I was left to my own demons.

When everyone was gone I reached towards the pain pills, this time having been prescribed for my arm. I took them one at a time. Each time fighting against the urge to choke.

There is something repetitive in past and future that kind of throws you off. I was on my sixteenth pill when I glanced up and saw Mykel in my doorway. The shock was enough to cause me to drop the pill bottle from my hands. I heard them clatter against the ground as they hit, each one rolling off in its own direction.

Within seconds he was by my side. He picked me up roughly and screamed for my friends to come into the room. They came…each one wondering what had caused such an alarm to be raised.

I was shoved into the bathroom…someone forcing me roughly to drink a bottle of castor oil. It had the desired effect. My throat was raw from throwing up when Mykel finally picked me up and brought me back to my room. I fell asleep almost immediately. The night had been tiring…taxing everything from shock to suicide attempts.

Mykel took care to make sure everyone went home…that no one was too drunk or high to drive. Despite the fact that he had never met most of my friends, they knew who he was. All I talked about most of the time was him.

I awoke sometime late in the night. I knew whose arms were around me. I moved closer until I could barely tell where he ended and I began. I was almost back to sleep when his voice broke the haze.

"Danielle…why do you insist on trying to end your life? If I knew that it would help I'd have you committed. But to be honest…I don't think it will. What is it that possesses you so?"

The words were calm and even…giving away the true extent of his anger. I had never quite heard the tone his voice had taken at that moment.

"Why are you back Mykel?" I was avoiding the question and we both knew it.

"That's not important to me at this moment Dani. The only thing that's important is that I'm back…and this time I'm staying for quite a while."

"You're lying!" The words seethed from my lips.

"Don't you have a fucking wife? Aren't you gonna be a proud poppa soon?"

"Danielle, go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning."

Despite my anger I was tired…but for some reason I waited for him to fall asleep first. It was only when I heard his deep breathing that I could finally relax enough to join him.

~@~

When I woke up the next morning Mykel was gone. I didn't know if he would be back or what. All I knew was that he had saved my life again. I didn't know if I should be grateful or mad.

I don't remember leaving my bed the entire day but I know I must've. I just remember lying there the whole time…wanting to die, but unable to give myself the courage to end it all. It was a feeling that entrapped me. I knew if I tried again…he would only show up to stop me. He was the apostle of everything I didn't want. The one person who knew what I would do before I even did it.

I dozed off and on. I could barely sleep. Every time I was finally relaxed, my nightmare would come crashing through my subconscious. I woke up every time with a scream trapped in the hollow of my throat.

I don't know why the dream appeared so often on that particular day. It was as if something big was about to happen and I was to have no control over it. But it was not this day that the world would shift into an entirely new direction. It would be a month before things changed.

He didn't call me that day. Somehow I knew he wouldn't. He must've known that I needed that time alone. A day to think over the brief respite that drew me towards an unforgiving death.

It was almost a week before my phone rang and his voice answered on the other end of the line. I knew the moment I heard his voice that he wanted to talk. He was only calling me to warn me of his impending visit.

I was lying in bed when he walked through the front door. I heard his footfalls as he made his way slowly down the hallway. Each step drew a deep breath from my chest.

And then he was there…standing in my doorway. It occurred to me that he looked somewhat like a Greek god at that point…but the thought disappeared the moment I saw his expression. The dark anger in his eyes made me wish that I had succeeded that night when I first tried to kill myself. He looked as if he hated me more than anything else.

"Hello Danielle." His voice was flat. No emotion at all rippled through his words. I felt the tension in the air between us…but still I remained where I was. It was sheer determination that left me unable to answer. As it was I already blamed him for the pain in my life. Who cared if he was pissed off?

"What? You're not even going to thank me for stopping you from killing yourself _**again**_? Now that's friendship…" The anger came out clearly in his words now.

"I'd consider that completely ungrateful if I didn't know you any better."

I'd had enough. I was not going to sit there and let him lecture me on being ungrateful. It was because of him that my mind had that particular set.

"Mykel…do you _**honestly**_ want to talk about ungrateful?" I jumped out of bed and drew closer to his face so he could understand each word as I spoke it.

"Yeah…why don't we? How about you and the past twelve years? The only reason you even have my friendship is because I kept up my side. If I hadn't written you…or called you, then you wouldn't even be here. You'd be living your life without me. With your happy little wife and kids trotting around after you. And every day you would regret not knowing what I was doing…or how my life had turned out. So yes…let's discuss being ungrateful!" My voice had risen with each word I spoke. By the time I was done I was screaming.

He lost it at that point. The cool exterior that seemed so hard to crack was gone. He stood before me a broken man. His eyes shouting apologies that I knew would never fall across my ears.

"Dani, you have something eating at you. Deep inside I guess I always knew that. But even though I knew it, I also knew that we shared a connection. Our lives have been tied together from the moment we met. And now…after everything we've gone through, you insist on trying to break that connection. I just don't know if…" His voice faltered then came back full force.

"I don't know if I'm enough for you…I don't think I ever can truly be enough. You've always been too good for me."

My eyes filled slowly up with tears. My anger ebbing slowly away with each one that fell from my eyes. Within moments I was locked in the tight embrace of his arms.

"Mykel…I think we survive through everything for a reason. We endure the pain of life only to see a future that remains uncertain. It almost feels like we haven't reached the reasons behind our connected lives. It's like this whole time is a stasis of things to come. Do you feel it?"

I felt his head nodding against my neck. I knew he would agree. There was so much that we had been put through. It felt like the crowning point was just around the corner. We still had pain to face…we just didn't know what it was.

I don't remember who pulled away first. I just know that one moment we were hugging and the next he was holding my head in his palms. His eyes were burning into my own.

It was when he tilted his head and drew mine closer that I knew things were different. Something had changed between us in a mere five minutes. It was something that would be irrevocable.

I closed my eyes only for a second. I wanted to remember everything about that moment…the way he felt…the softness of his eyes as he drew me closer.

I only felt the soft graze of his lips, a light pressure so slight that it almost seemed to not have even happened. But he wasn't pulling away. He was about to deepen the kiss even further when my front door burst open.

In an instant he was gone from my embrace. Pulling away so fast, that I wasn't sure if I had dreamed it.

My sister flew into the room without any notice whatsoever. What she saw when she approached us was something I knew would be a dead giveaway in anyone's eyes.

Mykel and I were standing facing each other. Our breathing was deep and uneven. Our eyes stayed locked on one another for almost a full minute before turning towards her.

What I saw when I finally looked at her made me gasp in shock. Her face was white…her eyes red from crying. I went to her immediately. Mykel remained where he was. He had never gotten along with anyone but my oldest sister.

He words were broken by the sobs that she seemed to be trying to hold in.

"Dani, Greg's dead. He was shot last night…they don't…" She broke for a moment then regained her words. "...they don't know who did it. The police think it was some kind of gang initiation."

"Oh my god…" My eyes filled up with tears automatically.

Greg was her brother in law. We had grown up together from the time we were sixteen…our lives revolving around his brother and my sister long before they had even gotten married. In many ways he had been a friend. Not one that I fully trusted…but there had been a time when we were close. So close in fact, that I had dated him for a brief amount of time.

The news tore at me in a way that I will never fully understand. It could have been that it was on the heels of losing Keagen…but I'll never know for sure. I can only remember kneeling on the floor holding my sister tightly in my grasp as we both cried.

I knew when he put his arms around us that Mykel felt the pain as well. In everything involving loss, it is hard not to affect those around you. Greg's death was not an exception.

~@~

Mykel didn't go to the funeral with us. There were underlying things in his life that held him back. I knew he wanted to be there for me but he had never met Greg…never known the truly amazing individual that once graced the world.

To this day they have never found out who killed him. In that one weekend a total of three men were killed in the same violent fashion. My heart went out to each and every one of their families. I knew the pain it had invoked on my sister and friends. I knew in each of those deaths they were suffering just as much.

Within four months, I had lost two very important people in my life. I was soon to find out that all disasters come in threes. But the last death that came was the one that hit me just as deeply as my nephews. The last death that year would be one that would bond Mykel and myself in a way that nothing else could.

It would be a very cold autumn for us all.

~@~

It was three weeks before I heard from Mykel again. The phone call brought more than his voice to me. It brought news of a truly different nature.

"Dani…Mom's in the hospital. They brought her in last night. She hasn't been feeling too good the past few weeks and last night she collapsed." I could hear the worry in his voice. That alone scared me.

My voice was wrought with the fear I felt ripping through my mind.

"Is she going to be alright?"

"I think so…but I'm not too sure. Do you want to go see her tonight?"

I nodded my head to myself before realizing he was waiting for an answer on the phone.

"Yeah…I think I need to. Do you mind? Are you going to be there?"

"Yeah…I'll meet you out in front of the hospital." He stayed on the phone long enough to tell where she was, then hung up without saying goodbye.

I never made it to the hospital that night. One of my sisters got into a car accident and I seemed to be the only one they could get a hold of. She wasn't hurt seriously…but her car was completely wrecked. It took nearly three hours to get everything situated and by that time it was almost ten thirty.

By the time I got home I was so exhausted that I went directly to bed. If I had known about the call I was to receive the next day I would've gone to the hospital that very moment. But life is not that kind. You never find out how wrong you can be until you have to face the harshest truth of all.

~@~

I had to work early that day. It was nearly three in the afternoon before I got a chance to check my answering machine. Mykel's voice was broken the entire time he spoke. As I listened to his words I knew how wrong I'd been the night before.

"Dani…mom died this morning at seven. She was in a lot of pain…" I heard muffled sobs coming from somewhere deep in his chest before he continued.

"Give me a call when you get this message."

His words brought me to my knees. I could do nothing but cry out and scream. It was then that I realized exactly how much I **_hated_** God. I couldn't understand how someone as sweet and understanding could be taken from my life.

With shaking hands I picked up the phone from where I'd dropped it. I dialed his number…not really knowing if he would answer. All I knew was that I needed to hear his voice. I needed to know that he was going to survive this.

"Hello?" It wasn't Mykel that picked up the phone. I almost screamed at Sharon to put him on before I realized she was probably hurting just as badly as I was.

"Hi Sharon…it's Danielle. Can you …" I stopped for a moment fighting the tears that seemed to be stuck in my throat. "Can you put Mykel on please?"

I think that was the first and only time she ever acted without questioning my motives. I didn't stop to wonder why.

"Dani? Is that you?" The tears that I had been fighting burst forth from my eyes the moment I heard his voice. I could barely concentrate on a reply.

"Mykel? I…I don't know what to say…"

"Are you ok Dani?" The question seemed absurd coming from him. He had just lost his mother and he was asking me how I was doing. It only proved to make me cry harder.

"I'm coming over."

He hung up the phone. I sat there holding it to my ear. There was the sound of it as it clicked off. The recording played over and over. Eventually that gave way to the harsh sounds of a high-pitched beep.

I didn't hear any of it. From the moment I had heard of Mykel's mother, I knew I wanted to join her. But it was the thought of Mykel…alone on this earth, which stopped me. The anger that I felt towards God at that moment was almost more than the pain I suffered. I threw the phone at the wall in front of me and watched as it shattered into nothing but shards of plastic. Curling into a fetal position, I lay there on the floor.

That was how Mykel found me. The tears coursing down his cheeks proved to be the one thing that could straighten me out. The more he cried…the more I knew he needed me to be there for him. He looked lost…staring at me as if he didn't quite know what to do.

To be honest I didn't know why he had even come over. I couldn't figure out why he would leave his wife at home while he ran off to check on me. I guess it was just in my mind that I figured he would want her near him…not me.

It seemed like hours before either of us moved. In truth it could've only been moments. It was him that took the first step. He picked me up and carried me gently into my bedroom.

We lay side by side crying for the wonderful woman that had somehow disappeared from our life.

~@~

I went to the funeral with my mother. Through it all I cried. I cried until there seemed to be no more tears left in me…then I cried some more. Her death hit me hard. I couldn't understand why God would take her…just before her first grandchild had been born. And after everything I had been through in the past, I knew she was always the one to understand.

When they let people come up to the podium to say kind words about her…I stayed where I was. I wanted so badly to go up there, to tell everyone what a wonderful woman she was, but I knew that there was no reason to. Everyone in that church already knew how kind and understanding she had been. That was why we were all mourning her.

It was when I saw Mykel that I finally understood everything. He was dressed in his military uniform…his wife sitting next to him. But it was me he reached out for. It was me that he held and cried with. That will forever remain in my memory.

It was to remain the only moment that I could see as truly being our worst, but only for a very short time. Life was going to hand us a harsher moment that we were not prepared for.

~@~

I was alone that night when everything hit me all at once. I saw Keagen, Greg, and Mykel's mother flit through my mind in uneven forms. Each time they accused me of the things I had done wrong…and where I had messed up with them.

I was in darkness when I tore at the room around me. I picked up things and threw them towards the walls…listening as the glass items shattered and the rough items fell to the floor. I tore the sheets off my bed…throwing them across the room in ways that even now I cannot fathom. When I was done, I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried.

That was how Mykel found me the next day when he walked into my apartment. He could do nothing but stare around the room, at the destruction I had created within my world.

When he finally composed himself long enough to crawl next to me on the bed I knew that he understood. He held me softly whispering words of comfort into my ears. His hands ran through my hair as if petting me.

"I love you Mykel…I could never say it before. But now I know…" My words were a mere soft whisper against his chest.

"I know that life doesn't always give the chance for us to tell everyone that we care. I just want to make sure you know how much I love you. It's encompassing how very deep my feelings go."

It was at that moment he whispered something else I will never forget. "I love you too Dani. I always have, and always will. No matter what."

I gripped him tighter in my embrace. "What about Sharon?"

I felt him take a deep breath before he spoke. "We…we're getting a divorce. She…she cheated on me."

"Oh Mykel…I'm so sorry."

It was all I could say. In truth I was sorry that he had another woman that he found he couldn't trust. I wanted nothing more than for him to be truly happy. I didn't know that he could only be that way with me. Not until much later.

"It's ok Danielle. I…need some time to just be myself for once. I guess it'll just show how well I can survive."

It was those words that finally made me glance towards his eyes. I studied them carefully. He had changed so much in the time I'd known him. I could see the depth of difference in his eyes. He stared back at me…perhaps thinking the same thing about me.

"Dani…can I…I mean would you mind, if I kissed you?"

I reached up and pulled his head towards mine as an answer. The kiss was soft and chaste. From one friend to another. His lips moved slowly under my own. The slight smell of aftershave wafted to my senses, taking me to a place I'd never known existed. In one kiss we had sealed our futures. It was now time to move on…to see what the future held for us.

The road wouldn't be easy…but we would face it.

Together.

~@~


	5. Part V: Life Lost Too Soon

Questioning why things turn out certain ways is a lot like repeating one word over and over. At first it is just a word…something you use every day of your life and take for granted. Then as you keep saying the word, it takes on a surreal quality. You begin to wonder if it really is a word at all. Eventually, you reach a point that you are certain the word is only a part of your imagination. You have been sitting there speaking things that once made sense to your mind…but now they make sense only because your mind has made it that way.

It is at that point that you can see things more clearly. When your mind is befuddled and wondering why things are the way they are…and nothing is standing in the way. You can see speech for what it really is. Each word, no matter what the language, is just a form of letters. All of which compile to make more nonsense than anything else.

But there was a time in the past that it made sense to someone. Because of that one person everything changed. Letters became words…words become sentences…sentences became stories.

The quality does not exist solely in this example. There are so many times in life that we ask ourselves why everything turns out the way it does. Asking these questions is like repeating that word. It leads only to nonsense answers. For there truly is no right resolution.

Unlike so many others, my mind only drifts through one question. If I were to stand before God I would only ask why…why are we sent over and over to suffer through the things we have. I no longer question our existence. That is not in my mind. I exist only for him…he exists only for me. Together we can face any adversary…alone we would cease to exist.

It is only now, as I stare out the window, that I can accept what has happened in our past. I can accept all the heartache and pain we were put through…I can accept our time apart.

The snow has finally begun to fall. The white flakes have blocked most of my vision outside. Still I can see him. His black clothes stand out from the stark white. He has faced the cold to keep us alive. I can do nothing but stare at him outside…the very sight of his body moving back towards the cabin makes my breath quicken.

His eyes catch mine through the window and I wonder when it was that our lives become so much like that repeated word. Was it when we first met? Maybe the day we first admitted we loved each other?

But I know it is none of those times. It comes down to nothing more than the day we willingly walked away from each other. If he had any regrets I know it would be that one day. Of that I am almost positive.

The door to the cabin opens and I feel the chill of the wind flow towards my body. It hits me deeper than expected. In that one tiny chill of winter I can feel our lives closing in around us. I know that we will soon have to face our demons. If only we knew for certain that we would survive the fight. That at least would be something.

But there are no guarantees in this life we lead…we are on our own.

It is not until after he builds up the fire that he finally looks at me. The tears are easy for him to see…I cannot hide anything from him. It would be useless at this point in our lives.

He is by my side before either of us can speak. The moment his arms go around me I start to cry harder.

"I can feel it too." His voice cracks and I can tell he is crying with me.

"But…" I pause to catch my breath between my sobs. "I don't want to accept it. I can't see a future with us always running. That's no way to live. I'd rather…"

"Don't say it!" His anger is showing clearly. It's not the first time…and I know it won't be the last.

"Can't you just stick through this for me? Instead of wishing for death…can't you want to survive? At least for me?"

I pull away from him and stand up.

"I try to do it every moment. Don't you understand that? The only reason I'm still alive now is because of you. It's the thought of you that stops me each time I want to die."

Within moments he is standing in front of me. "Then why do you have to keep saying these things? Why can't we just move on with our lives?"

"Because I can only remember our past damn it!" The words slam out of my mouth coated with bitterness.

"We are where we are because of our past. And it's not even a past we can control! It's a life that I can barely remember…a life that we lived before this one! Doesn't that make you the slightest bit mad?"

"But…at least we were together then." He is whispering now. The words so low I can barely hear him.

"Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Yes! I just wish we didn't have to suffer for it in this life!" I stop yelling when his tears begin again. Slowly I gather him in my arms. I reach out and draw him close…kissing his forehead lightly. When I pull away my forehead rests against his.

"Why did we have to leave each other? Was there ever a time that we could've made it through our loss? A time that would've had us stay together?"

"I can only hope that it's possible in the future. If not in this one…then maybe the next one." He hesitates before speaking again. I know why he is wavering.

"Can we talk about her now? Do you think it's time?"

"Yes…it's time." My words are dark as I pull away and sit down.

"Let's talk about Emily."

~@~

For thirteen years I had waited for Mykel to tell me he loved me. When it finally came down to that moment of admission…we did nothing. It would be another three months before that love was taken to greater heights. And in those three months so much would change.

For someone who had a tendency to disappear from my life for months on end…he made up for it during that time. It became almost nothing for me to come home from work and see him sitting there, watching television. There was always the question of how my day was and there were even a few days that he had made dinner. I think during that first month I spent most of my time in shock.

After two months of this treatment I began to get used to it. When I arrived home and he wasn't there I would feel loneliness creeping back into my world. But then he would appear an hour or so later…explaining why he was late and apologizing. It took all of my will not to ask him what had changed. I guess deep in my heart I already knew.

Everything shifted on the night we went out for drinks. My sister had offered to take us out and go dancing. As much as I hated to dance I knew I couldn't refuse. There would be a slow song and at some point during the night, he would pull me close to his body. That enough was what convinced me. I wanted that closeness that I could only share with Mykel.

When we got to the club we found a booth and settled into it. My sister went to get drinks while we waited. I had offered to drive so my drink was to be non-alcoholic. It was normal for us to take turns at this chore.

The club we agreed to go to was one of those cheesy eighties places. The only thing I could notice in the first few minutes was that the music was extremely loud. Eventually, I managed to block out the noise and focus on Mykel. I turned towards him to find his eyes locked on me. I had never been under the scrutiny he was now focusing on me. I didn't know quite what to do. In the end, I just stared back.

We were there for only ten minutes when he succeeded in dragging me out to the dance floor. I could do nothing but gape at him as swayed his hips to the music. It took all of my will to actually start moving myself.

I couldn't help but notice all the women that stared at him. I felt a stab of jealousy…but it was quickly stomped down. His focus remained on me…and only me.

I still couldn't resist a slight scowl at the thought of them looking. He smiled lightly when he saw the scowl on my face. I could feel his breath tickle my neck as he leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"Wanna dance Dani?"

"Aren't we already?" A slight look of amusement mixed with confusion covered my features now.

"Not like this Dani." He was still close to my ear. Each word sent shivers down my spine.

Without warning, he reached out and pulled me closer to his body. His hips ground into mine. I couldn't stop the gasp of shock that emitted from my lips.

"Like this…" His voice was coated lightly with seduction. I could almost hear the laughter in his words.

"Mykel…I don't think…" My hoarse voice was lost among the loud music. Was he playing some kind of dangerous game? Didn't he know what this closeness would do to me?

His hips ground against mine again and I knew he was just as affected as me. There was no mistaking the feel of his arousal. He was pressing against me in ways I had only dreamed about. I couldn't resist pushing my hips into his.

It was only seconds later that he pulled away from me suddenly. I couldn't understand why until I spotted my sister at the edge of the crowd. She was waving for us to come back to the table.

The rest of the night seemed to be a blur for the most part. I danced with Mykel…but I never got the chance to be as close as I had been. The situation was a disappointment of sorts. It was almost as if he were scared to show my sister how much he cared about me.

I ended up driving home with two very drunk people in the car. My sister rode up front…chattering about this and that the whole time. Mykel seemed unusually quiet. I never really got the chance to ask him if something was wrong. Every time I opened my mouth to speak, my sister would start rambling on about something else.

It wasn't until we dropped my sister off and went back to my place that we finally got a chance to talk. But even that was subdued. I didn't know if it was the alcohol or me. Eventually I got sick of his quietness and went to change clothes. When I came out of the back room, Mykel was about to walk out the door. I put my foot down.

"Ely Mykel! You are not driving home after all of that liquor you've had. You can stay the night. It's not like we've never slept in the same bed before."

"But Dani…" His words were slightly slurred in response. I knew at that moment that he was a lot drunker than he was trying to let on.

"No buts Mykel. Get your ass in that room and lay down!"

He obeyed after that. He knew better then to cross me when I was that angry. His heart just wasn't in the gesture anyway. He knew better then to drive after drinking as much as he had.

I walked around the house making sure everything was locked up. I wasn't taking any chances with the neighborhood I lived in. It was my nightly ritual to make sure the doors and windows were closed up tight.

It was almost ten minutes before I was able to join him in my room. I figured by that time he would be fully passed out. For this reason, I didn't turn on the light. The moment I climbed into that big bed with him I knew he was still awake. I could hear his breathing alter slightly when I turned towards him.

"Dani would you mind…I mean…well…can I hold you?" The question shocked me.

"Do you honestly have to ask that Mykel?" I could hear his sigh of relief as he moved his body next to mine and spooned against me.

We were quiet for a long time. I thought for certain that he had finally fallen asleep. I could feel him breathing deeply behind me. Finally, I began to allow my body to relax. I was on the brink of sleep when I felt it. His lips brushed against my ear…nibbling softly.

A shot of arousal, hot and heavy, coiled in my abdomen. "Mykel…what are you doing?"

"I want…" With those words he turned my body towards his and pressed his lips lightly against mine. It was the same kiss we had shared once before…from one friend to another.

I could see the density of his features in the light that flooded in from my window. His eyes were dark…his expression unreadable to me.

"You want what?" I could barely choke out the words.

"I want…I want to kiss you Dani…" The sound of those words falling from his lips made my arousal surge higher.

"But you just did Mykel." I said the words casually…hoping he wouldn't notice the desire that was now etching my voice.

"Not like that Dani…" Without warning his lips covered mine again. But it was different this time. It was demanding…causing a heady sensation to smother my thoughts. I felt his tongue reach out to explore. My mouth opened willingly…allowing him to take complete pleasure in the things that seemed to be sending my reservations out the window. He pulled away for a moment and I could see a soft smile on his lips now.

"Like that…"

I didn't get a chance to reply. In moments he was kissing me again. His hands were running along my body…his lips bruising mine with the passion he was enforcing behind the kiss.

It wasn't until I felt him pulling at my clothes that I realized he was still slightly drunk. Despite how much I didn't want to…I pulled away.

"Mykel…I think…" The words were hard to get out as I forced myself to see past the haze of desire I felt.

"I think we should hold off on this until you are completely sober. I don't want anything in the way when we make love for the first time."

He groaned and then pulled my face to his for one last light kiss. Within that kiss I felt my resolve giving…but I used all my will and pushed it back.

"You're right Dani. I know that…but my god, you're so very beautiful." I gasped at his words. It was the first time he had ever acknowledged that he truly found me attractive. The very sound of his voice saying it shocked me.

Without saying another word he pulled me close to his body. His breathing evened out and I knew he was asleep. I remained awake for quite a while thinking about his words. It wasn't until almost an hour later that I would join him in sleep. Even then, all I could hear was him repeating those words over and over in my mind.

~@~

I woke up the next morning to someone cursing in the bathroom. I couldn't help but laugh at what he must've been going through at that moment. But it wasn't what he was going through as much as what he was in the bathroom muttering about. I could only hear bits and pieces of his voice drifting through the hallway.

"God damned…child proof bottles. Who the…hell invented…damn things?"

He must've heard my laughter at that point. One moment I was alone in bed and the next he was laying on top of me tickling me.

"You think it's funny Danielle? Watching me go through torture?"

The expression on his face shifted within moments of him being in there. His hands that so mercilessly dug into my sides were now drifting across my body everywhere. This time I knew he was going to kiss me. There was no hesitation whatsoever on my part or his.

When our lips finally parted I was gasping for air.

"What about your headache?" My voice came out hoarse with desire.

"Dani don't you know this is the best cure for a headache?" Any good intentions I had flew out the window at that point. He was completely sober and I knew for sure he wanted me.

Reaching up, I locked my arms around his neck and pulled his lips back towards mine. My teeth caught on that full lower lip and I suckled on it the way I'd always wanted to.

He let me control the pace for a few minutes then took over. His hands wove through my hair…trying to pull me deeper into his kiss. My head tilted back and his lips traveled down towards my neck…nipping and biting along the hollow of my throat.

He traveled lower. I could feel his breath through the thin t-shirt I had chosen to wear the night before. He stopped at my chest…his tongue lapping at out the hard nipple that seemed to be waiting for his touch. I felt his mouth close over it…warm and wet through my t-shirt. A shudder deep and agonizing went through my body.

"God Dani…you're so soft…" His words were muffled against my chest.

"Do you know how long I've wanted you this way?"

The feel of his palm running under my shirt made me gasp. His fingers lingered against my stomach, the pressure causing a dizzy heady sensation to rush throughout my brain.

"Danielle…" he pulled up close to my body again. His face a mere inch from my own. His eyes locked tightly within mine and I felt myself fall. It was almost as if I could feel his body merging within my own soul.

"I just want to make sure that this is alright. I don't want to lose you."

I was shaking my head before he finished talking. "Mykel…you could never lose me. Don't you know that? We've been tied together since the day we were born."

I paused trying to see past the frantic haze I now felt. "I…want this more than anything else in the world…"

"Good…because I'm about to show you just how deep my visions of our future go." His lips captured mine and this time his hand moved from the hollow of my stomach to the soft swell of my breast. His palm cupped against me tugging and taunting the hard peak that shifted between his fingers.

I began tearing at his clothes. I wanted nothing more than to feel his skin against mine. But he stopped me once his shirt was gone.

"Going somewhere Danielle?"

I shook my head slowly at his question.

"Then quit rushing me. Just let me make love to you the only way I've ever wanted to."

I closed my eyes. He was tugging at my shirt. This time I allowed him to pull it all the way off. His chest pressed against mine as he kissed me harsh and deep. His mouth drifted slowly down to my neck…suckling at the tender flesh. I knew he was marking me. The mark would show me proof that we had really done this…even if it was only there for a few days.

My back arched against his touch. I needed more from him. I wanted so badly just to merge my soul with his…to become the united form I knew we were meant to be.

His hands were everywhere at once. My body ached with longing. Everywhere his hands lingered felt like a thousand tiny lightning strikes…each one burning trails into my skin.

One of his legs pressed insistently between my thighs. I opened them willingly…allowing him access to those pleasure points he was so relentlessly trying to reach.

My shorts were pulled roughly from my hips. His hands grasping the waistband with a passion that only he could truly possess. His lips traveled slowly down my neck to my breasts once more. He mouth latching onto one…nibbling…sucking…lathing. Then traveling to the other with just as much fever.

The feel of his mouth on me sent my body soaring. I was so close to the precipice…each nip of his teeth sending me higher and higher. The moment his mouth traveled further down I knew I was lost.

He lingered on my stomach for a moment…his tongue lashing out softly in my navel.

"God…Mykel…please…" I was gasping the words. I wanted so much for his to take me to that point of no return. Once that was done I would be his, and only his, for the rest of eternity.

His head stilled above my sex…the soft feel of his breath sending me further. It wasn't until his palms traveled up my thigh that I knew what he was going to do. He wanted to possess me every bit, as I wanted to give that possession to him.

"Come for me Dani…come on…"

His fingers reached their goal and within that I felt the cord snap. My body stuttered against his…my voice carrying throughout the room.

"Oh…my…god…Mykel!"

My mind collapsed within itself. I was writhing under his very touch. His hand was pumping rhythmically against my core…each time touching the depths of that passion that was exploding behind my eyelids.

He watched my face the entire time. Each sigh, pant, or moan drew a ragged breath from deep within his chest. It wasn't until my body began to calm down that he lowered his head. His tongue lashed out at my swollen sex and I was flying for the second time.

"Please…no more…please Mykel…please…" The words drifted out of my mouth in a chant. I was in heaven and hell, at the exact same time. My head was thrashing back and forth each time I felt his tongue swipe softly against my clit.

I pulled his body up towards mine…feeling the roughness of his jeans sliding slowly along my skin. My legs locked around his frame when his mouth was even with mine.

"Danielle you're so damn sexy…"

I cut him off...brushing my lips against his insistently. He pressed his lips more firmly into mine. His hips shifted forward pressing his hardened erection deeply into the apex of my thighs. This time we groaned together.

He pulled away…his eyes drifting down my frame languidly.

"I want…"

"What do you want Mykel?"

I felt as if I was flashing back to the night before within those words. His reply was nowhere near the same though.

"I want to be inside you Danielle."

I rolled our bodies over suddenly. I don't know who was more shocked…him or me.

"No…"

His eyebrows arched. "No?"

"Not until I can taste you as you have me…"

My hands latched onto his jeans…unfastening each button slowly. There was no mistaking his arousal. The hard shaft pressed deftly into my lingering fingers as he shifted his hips upwards.

I tugged at his jeans and boxers…pulling them down with as much patience as I could muster. My head tilted downwards…my tongue lashing out to tease the soft skin of his shaft. His voice stopped me before I could take him fully in my mouth.

"Danielle…as much as I want you to do this…I don't think I can handle it right now."

I shifted my gaze around his body. His hands were gripping the sheets…his eyes dark with arousal. Without a word, I opened my mouth and pulled him deeply inside. His hips bucked forward with restraint. My cheeks hollowed as I created a rhythm. My tongue lashed out to tease him.

His moans filled the air around me.

"Dani…no…oh god…I'm going to…"

I pulled away suddenly. I watched his face…studying the battle he was now fighting. His eyes were closed…his face flushed with restraint. I moved my body up next to his…allowing a little distance so he could bring his emotions back under control.

He surprised me. His body rolled over and covered mine completely.

"That was cruel Dani…but oh, so good."

I could feel his arousal at my entrance. One swift push and he would be nestled snugly inside my aching body. I arched my hips towards his in the hope that he might take the hint.

He knew what I wanted…but denied me anyway.

"Don't you know that you have to ask nicely for the things you want?" I could hear the amusement that coated his words.

"Mykel now." My voice came out as a growl.

"Now?…what do you want now?"

"Oh god…please…"

My body was craving his in a way that I never knew existed. Almost as if he knew the torture he was putting me through I felt him penetrate me. My walls gripped him tightly…fluttering around the hardness that seemed to be entering me way too slowly.

Without warning I reached down and grasped his buttocks. My nails dug deeply into him…causing an effect I can only describe as erotic. His hips bucked forward at an alarming rate. He was now fully inside me and I could do nothing but feel.

From the moment he began moving I felt a shift in our reality. It was as if our souls had finally merged and were screaming with relief. Our lips met over and over…our moans and sighs echoing deeply off the walls of the bedroom.

I couldn't feel his body enough. My hands roamed everywhere…caressing and feeling everything. It was as if he were feeling the same thing. His hands roamed as much as my own.

It wasn't too long before our rhythm increased. His hips slammed roughly into mine…each time drawing a deep moan from both our chests. Our breathing was uneven…our hearts pounding in the same beats.

I screamed his name one final time. My mouth crying out to god and heaven for just one more moment of pleasure…one more second of the love he instilled in me.

With two more thrusts he joined me in that dark void of bliss. I could feel nothing but his soul and body merging within my own.

We remained that way for quite some time. Each of us reveling in the feel of the other.

~@~

After a few minutes our breathing relaxed. We lay there in contentment. He was quiet at first. His eyes drifting back and forth between my eyes and the walls around us…each time drawing my heartbeat a little faster.

"So Dani…"

I could tell he was embarrassed. That threw me off for a moment.

"Mykel…I love you so very much. Please don't think this is just…"

"Oh no Danielle!" He interrupted me.

"I love you. I just…I just can't think of anything right now. I feel so drained…as if we were two different people and somehow all of this was just another state of being. It's odd."

My body shuddered next to his.

"I know Mykel. I could feel it too."

He smiled then. In that smile I found what I thought I had lost so many years before. It was the smile of my lover…the one person who knew me better than anyone else ever could.

"Are you hungry yet?"

I laughed at his question. He was always thinking of food. No wonder our worlds were the same and yet different.

"Yes."

I got out of bed and stood in front of him totally nude. Offering my hand I knew he would take it.

"Come on Mykel…I'll make you an omelet."

~@~

We fell into somewhat of a routine after that. From the moment I came home from work, he was always there. Within moments of me walking in the door he would grab me and head towards the bedroom. We would make love night after night…each time growing stronger with passion.

It was the happiest time of my life. The only thing that would make it better would be when his divorce from Sharon was finished and we could finally get married ourselves. It was something we discussed nightly.

After a month of complete happiness something began to change. I started waking up nauseous. I'd find myself, more often than not, in the bathroom for the better part of the morning. I knew I was sick…but I thought it was a cold that I just couldn't seem to kick.

Mykel became agitated with me when I refused to go to a doctor. For some reason hospitals always angered me. I would walk inside a hospital and the only thing that would strike me was that I felt drawn to it. The power of some inner voice pulling me in both directions. One telling me I belonged there…the other telling me I could never be happy in a medical profession. Despite the fact that I knew I never wanted to be a doctor it always fascinated me to study what was so attractive about the entire profession. I know that must've been what angered me. It wasn't the hospital itself…it was my reaction to it.

Eventually I began to suspect that something deeper was wrong with me. After another week of Mykel's persistence, I finally gave in and made an appointment. Mykel would go with me. It was almost as if he didn't trust me to tell him the truth if something was completely fatal.

After several tests we finally found out what was the matter with me. The shock that hit us both when we heard I was pregnant could never be excelled. I could do nothing but stare at the doctor and ask if he was positive.

I had been taking the pill and despite the fact that I knew it was still possible to conceive I never truly expected it to happen to me. Mykel seemed to be just as surprised as I was. His silence was just as adamant as mine the entire way back home.

When we finally reached my apartment I jumped out of the car and ran inside. The tears were flowing freely down my face as I threw myself into my bed and curled into a fetal position. I knew Mykel didn't want this baby. His ex-wife was just about to give birth to a child he still wasn't quite sure he wanted in his life. And now I had put him back into that very same position.

I felt his body curl around mine as I lay there crying. His lips were lost in my hair…whispers of comfort falling softly on my ears.

"Mykel…I'm so…sorry…" I could barely get the words out. My sobs were blocking everything I wanted to say to him.

"Oh Dani…" I heard his voice catch and I knew he was crying with me. "Don't you know anything?"

He turned my body so that I was facing him. His fingers lingered on my chin…giving just enough pressure to tilt my eyes up and lock with his.

"I love you Dani…I want this baby…"

"But…what…about…Sharon…and…"

"Oh god, don't you get it Dani?"

I shook my head slowly at his question.

"You know for someone so smart…you can be incredibly stupid at times."

I heard laughter rumble through his chest at his own words.

"I love you Dani. I mean sure this is unexpected…but you see, if I had the choice, I'd rather take you and this baby then nothing at all."

His words only made me cry more. He was telling me that this was okay…that he could adjust to being with me despite this unexpected surprise. He wanted to be with me despite the fact that I was now carrying our child.

"Danielle, please…listen to me. I love you and I'll love our child just as much as I love you. This baby is a part of both of us. I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world." His face held determination behind the words he was now speaking.

I circled my arms around him…pulling him as close as I could get.

"Thank you Mykel…thank you so very much…"

Within moments we were tearing at each other's clothes. I wanted nothing more than to confirm our love. If I could feel his body inside mine I would know that everything would be all right. I knew I was right from the moment he entered me. It was as if we were both fighting for the future we now possessed.

We lay there afterwards, curled up next to each other. Mykel's hand was resting on my abdomen…stoking it softly. Tears sprang to my eyes when he leaned over and kissed it softly.

"I love you baby…and I love your mommy too." I heard the whispered words. I smiled down to him with all the love I could find in my heart. I knew from that moment on that my life was now different. I would never have to face the darkness in my mind ever again.

~@~

It was two days later that Mykel's soon to be ex-wife went into labor. He left me alone…both of us knowing that for me to show up at the hospital would be too insensitive. This was her day to shine with their child. I wouldn't ruin that despite how much I didn't like the woman.

He didn't call until after the baby was born. I was cleaning up the house when the phone rang. It had been lonely in my bed the entire night without him. His tone was resigned as he told me it was a little boy. They had named him Joshua Wyatt Mykel. According to Mykel he looked a lot like his father.

"Poor kid…I feel for him." My words brought a chuckle from the other end of the phone line.

"Are you feeling okay Danielle? Did you get any sleep last night?" I could tell he was tired from the sound of his voice.

"Yes Mykel. I'm fine. Don't worry about me…just enjoy your day. After all you have another one coming up in only eight months." He laugh was deeper this time and I knew that he still wanted our baby. The thoughts that had been running through my mind when Sharon had gone into labor were dismissed.

"Dani…" He hesitated before speaking but I figured it was because he was tired.

"I'll be home in a little while."

I knew the moment he said the words why he had hesitated. It was the first time he had ever referred to me as being his home. I made him feel happy and safe. The thought of that alone made me ecstatic. Tears pricked at my eyes and I fought against them. It was one of the only things about being pregnant that I hated. Crying could come upon you so easily.

"I love you Mykel." I needed to get off the pone before he realized I was crying again. I didn't want him to worry even more about me.

"I love you more than anything Dani."

~@~

Mykel spent the next two months alternating between our place and Sharon's. He was as attentive as he could be with my pregnancy…but I knew that he wanted to be with his son as much as he wanted to be with me. I rarely talked to him when he was at Sharon's. In fact, the only times I could hear his voice was when he would call to tell me when he would be home.

After those first few months he began to stay home more often. He told me many times that Sharon was getting to him. But I knew it was something more this time. He was moody and distant for quite a while.

When he finally explained it to me I wanted to kill the mother of his first child. The cruelty she had devoted into him was enough to make me raging mad. It seems since she had the baby she kept asking him to come back to her. The last time she had asked he had told her that we were engaged. She had screamed at him to get out of the house…that he could see Joshua anytime he wanted as long as it fell under the visitation rights.

I could do nothing to take away the pain in his eyes. He wanted to see his child more often…but because of Sharon he was denied everything but once every two weeks. I knew that the custody rights were about to be revised. I would make sure he fought to get that child at least four days a week. That woman would share that child with his father. We talked about it well into the night. In the end I was holding him as we both cried.

"Mykel…I would never deny our child from you. Please remember that. No matter what happens this child is as much you as it is me."

"I know Dani…I know. And for that I could never love you more than I do at this moment."

~@~

We moved on…our lives becoming every bit as tangled as a ball of rubber bands. Our child was growing safely in my womb. For logical reasons we had decided to keep the pregnancy secret until Mykel's divorce was final. I think what it mostly came down to was that we didn't want any more complications. We didn't want to tell my family for the very same intentions.

In the end it was our secret to keep. We wanted to hold onto the closeness that my pregnancy brought us. It was for that reason alone, that we held our secret so close.

I took it easy at work. It was simple to play around with my intentions. I could tell everyone at work that my back was bothering me and no one suspected anything different. I had had back problems since I was fifteen. There was no cause for concern to anyone around us.

I was only four and a half months pregnant when the pains started. Mykel rushed to my side, as I stood then collapsed to the floor. The pain was blinding. My screams still echo in my mind to this day.

What followed can only remain a blur forever in my mind. I remember Mykel taking me to the hospital. I recall the pain and confusion that surrounded every aspect of my being.

I was rushed into maternity. All steps were taken to hold my labor off…but nothing worked. Before anyone could stop it I was giving birth to our child. At four and a half months I knew the chances for the baby's survival outside my womb were impossible. This baby could never continue to exist without the nurture that my body could provide.

Our daughter Emily was born at eleven twenty one that night. From the moment she left my body and didn't cry I knew that she was gone. In the end there was nothing they could do to save her. I heard the doctor tell Mykel that she was a stillborn and began screaming.

Within moments they injected something into my IV. I was asleep before I knew it…falling softly into that void that seemed to be waiting for me. Darkness covered my mind and soul. It seemed to beckon to me as if it had been awaiting my return.

~@~

Mykel was laying next to me in bed when I woke up the next morning. I could tell the moment he knew I was awake. His arms tightened around me without giving me a chance to speak.

"Mykel…is it true?" I felt him shudder against me. My eyes welled up with tears. I knew at that moment that I would never see my child grow…never hear her call me mommy or him daddy. The tears came from deep within me…each one falling harshly against my pillow. My body shook with the force of my crying.

"Dani…oh god…Dani…I'm…" His voice was wracked with as much pain as my own. In the end we could do nothing but cry together. We had lost the only thing that meant almost as much to us as our love for each other.

The pain in the end was much greater than the loss.

~@~

Mykel called into my work that day for me. Ironically enough, his divorce would be final that next week. But now we had nothing to tell my family or his. Our child would remain forever the secret that only we could share.

To this day we have never told anyone of that lost baby. It is only in telling our story that I know I must. For she is a part of our lives…every much as the other losses we suffered.

My doctor sent us home that afternoon. The miscarriage had no complications. I was in severe pain but that could be handled with medication. It was the pain deep inside of me that would never die. I could do nothing but focus on it.

Mykel put me to bed. The sleep I focused on was nothing short of fitful. Each time I saw the child I had grown to want more than anything falling away from me in visions of death and darkness.

It wasn't until the next day that I would force myself to leave my bed. Mykel himself drove me to my job so that I could give them the doctor's note that would cover my next month of missing work. We were to go to therapy for our loss. The thought sickened me. I knew there was nothing they could do to take this pain from me.

In the end I fell deeply into depression. I wallowed in a misery that even Mykel couldn't crack open…no matter how hard he tried. It was two weeks before we went back the doctors for my check up appointment. It was then that I would learn that fate is as cruel as God. My darkness in life had claimed me once more.

~@~

"You will not be able to have children without another form of conception. It's amazing that you got pregnant in the first place. Your odds of naturally getting pregnant again have gone up about a million to one."

I stared at my doctor in shock. Despite the fact that I had gotten pregnant while on the pill he was now telling me I was sterile.

"But how is that possible? She was on the pill when she got pregnant the first time…" Mykel was able to voice the questions that seemed to be running through my own mind.

The doctor looked between the both of us with a tense expression. I knew what he was about to tell me would shift my world again. I didn't want to hear anymore. I wanted to go back in time and just be happy with Mykel…like we were in the beginning.

"Dani, you have a syndrome called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Mainly referred to as PCOS. It’s common in about five to thirty percent of women. Some women have different symptoms than others. You seem to only show a few symptoms. You have an emotional imbalance. That is one of the symptoms. It says in your records that you were put on the pill when you were seventeen because of lack of Menses. You had skipped I think it was…" he paused rifling through my medical file, "…here it is…five periods. The Pill helped it to seem regular. There are rare cases that the Pill can help women with PCOS get pregnant. As far as I can tell, that is what happened this time."

I sat there and listened to him talk. I was confused but still not getting the basic message.

"So what you’re saying is that I will never get pregnant again?" My words came out as a whisper.

"I can only say that unless you have help…such as in vitro fertilization or fertility therapy it may happen again. But the chances are highly unlikely. If you did go through one of these types of help…then you would still need to be maintained on medication during the entire pregnancy. Even then there could still be the chance of another miscarriage."

"Oh my god…" I stood up. I need to get out of this place. My only thought was to run…run as fast as I could until it wasn't a truth I had to face.

I was almost out the front door before Mykel caught up with me. He tried to grab me and hold me as I screamed out my hatred towards God. But I fought against him. I punched and kicked at him until he could do nothing else but let go of my body.

I ran down the street…not caring if he would follow or not. In the end I knew that I was back in the darkness. This time I was staying there for good. There was nothing, including Mykel, that would be able to draw me away from this pain.

~@~

I don't remember most of my trip back. All I can remember is running away from him. The next thing I knew I was at home, in bed, with my house torn apart around me.

My clothes were torn up…hanging off my body in rags. Mykel stared around at the destruction that I had created. His eyes drifting around at the torn up books and broken dishes strewn throughout the house. It was the worst destruction that I can ever remember be a part of. My world was just as chaotic as my darkness now.

He climbed into bed with me…but I pulled away from his comforting arms.

"You should go back to Sharon, Mykel. There's nothing holding you here with me anymore." My voice sounded dead even to my own ears.

"How can you say that Dani? I love you…even if we can't have Emily…at least we have each other." I was hurting him with every word I spoke. I could see it in his eyes.

But still I turned away from him.

"I want to die Mykel. It will be easier if you just admit you never loved me. It will be better for the both of us…"

"My god Danielle! I love you. I can't live without you! Don't you know that? Can't you understand that?!"

"Go back to her Mykel."

"No."

"Get out of my house! Go! At least she can give you a child…that fact is already proven! You have a beautiful son with her! Go! Have children and be happy!" My voice rose in anger with every venom filled word that flew from my lips.

"Danielle…" His words were calm and even. I knew that it was a lie. It had all been a lie from the very beginning.

"I love you…but you need to realize that you're not the only one who lost a child! I did as well!"

"GET OUT MYKEL!" Tears began to fall from my eyes but I didn't feel them.

"Fine Dani! Have it your way! When you decide to acknowledge that pain doesn't only stay around you then I'll be back. Until then…well...never mind. I don't fucking care what you do anymore!" With those words he stormed out of the apartment.

It was at that point that I realized I was crying. I had just eradicated the only man I'd ever loved from my life. Now I was truly alone…and nothing would ever be able to bring me back from the darkness that enveloped my world.

~@~

I never tried anything that night. I stayed alive only to feel the pain. The ache I felt over losing everything I had ever wanted was my torture for the life I lived so far. It was my Karma for a life wasted on dreams and fantasy.

I went back to work with a saddened heart. I knew that people were wondering why I was never smiling anymore. I couldn't tell them about Emily or Mykel. Each time I wanted to say something, my voice would catch in my throat. I would turn away to hide the tears that seemed to be becoming a part of my daily life.

I didn't see Mykel until almost a month later. I came home and he was there. He sat in the darkness smoking a cigarette. I knew that in itself was a bad sign. He never smoked unless something really truly deep was bothering him.

I sat in the darkness with him for almost an hour before either of us spoke. By then I knew what we had was still there…but too deeply coated in pain. There would be no resolution for us now. We were about to take another path in our life that would lead us in two different directions.

"Danielle…do you love me?" I couldn't see the expression in his eyes when he spoke. That scared me more than anything did.

"I do Mykel…but right now I know I don't trust myself with my own life. I can't allow you to trust me with your heart." My voice came out softly. I could barely hear my own words.

"I love you Danielle…but I can see that we no longer trust one another. We both have pain in our hearts…and because of that we're going different directions." I nodded my head in the darkness. He couldn't see me but I knew that he could tell I was agreeing.

Without another word he picked me up and took me into my bedroom. He laid me softly on the bed and began to take off my clothes.

I let him do as he wanted. In that one act of love I could tell we were saying our goodbyes. The tears rolled silently down my cheeks as he whispered his love and forgiveness in my ear.

It was soft and slow…each of us knowing that this would be the last time. That after this moment we would walk away and try to forget the pain. I knew already that it couldn't be done. It would etch my world until I died. Each day thinking of Mykel and the daughter we almost had.

When the height of our lovemaking reached its peak we both cried out our love for one another. Our tears and sweat mingling together…drawing a close to this chapter in our life. It was only afterwards when we lay side by side, that I realized I could never let go of him. But that was no longer an option. I could only enjoy this last night by his side.

He was gone in the morning. I knew that he would be. I sat in my bed and cried throughout the entire day. I didn't know where I was headed…but I was now on my own. I could depend on him only in friendship…nothing more.

~@~


	6. Part VI: Lost and Alone

Sometimes, late at night when I'm unable to sleep, I can remember why it was that we walked away from one another. The reasons will float through my mind like dreams of another life…a life that I am sure we lived. Within each reason will be yet another logical explanation, leading only to more answers.

But it is times like these that I cannot fathom his actual presence disappearing from my life. His eyes are shining with laughter at the book he holds in his hands…his smile sending a hot chill down my spine. I can do nothing but stare at him from across the couch. It is times like these…that I know I would rather die than not have him near. The reasons that seemed so logical back then…only seem trite and perverse.

His eyes catch mine staring at his every move. There are no words that can truly describe his eyes at that particular moment. There is nothing even close that I can associate it with. It is merely something I have come to correlate with him…something that alerts me to what he needs and wants.

Within moments I am next to him. His lips are crushing against my own. But I know that we can't finish what we are starting at that particular moment. There are still things we need to discuss…things that bear a lot on the beginning we now possess. It truly is the beginning…the beginning of the end.

This is a feeling that drives deep through my mind every time he kisses me now. It is only with great reluctance that I can pull away from him. I know he must wonder why. I cannot fathom what runs through his mind when I do this to him.

I catch his gaze and know he understands.

"Tell me. Tell me what it was like for you all those years we were apart…"

"What do you want to know? Do you want to hear everything? From beginning to end? Or do you just want the pain filled moments? The times when I could do nothing but think of you and how far away from life I actually felt?"

We are whispering despite the fact that we are alone in the wilderness. It is almost as if we can remember what it was like to always hide what we seemed to know best from everyone else.

"I want to hear it all. I want to know what you were feeling when you decided to move away and distance yourself from everyone who loved you." His lips are buried in my hair…muffling each word as he speaks it. But still I can understand him.

"Correct me if I'm wrong…but didn't we both decide to walk away? It wasn't only my doing you know."

He pulls away and I can see the smile that flits across his expression briefly.

"Tell me."

~@~

A person's heart is a bottomless depth of wonder. Unlike the mind it can withstand so much. When a mind is overfed with information…more often than not it cracks, leaving you insane. But where the heart is concerned…it is bottomless. There is always room to love someone else…always room to hurt.

My pain was deep within my chest at losing my only child…and the one person I knew would be the only one I would ever truly love. But there was nothing I could do about it.

I wallowed in my pain for a month. Nothing could pull me out of the depression that seemed to take me further and further away from reality. It was only after that month that I knew I had to change something. I couldn't remain in the same town as Mykel any longer. I didn't know what he was going through. It was too much to pull myself away from my own doubts of living to concentrate on it.

In the end I decided to move away. I wanted nothing more than to distance myself from the one place that had caused me so much pain in the past fourteen years. I called my sister in Arizona and begrudgingly asked if she minded me moving in with her. She readily agreed, as I knew she would. She had been missing the family ever since she moved out there over a year ago.

I waited to tell Mykel. I didn't want to give him a chance to talk me out of something I knew I needed. I knew he would never understand. He believed that I was supposed to remain by his side. I had other plans. I knew that I wouldn't be alive any longer than it took to understand my pain.

In the end, I confronted him a week before my moving date. My apartment was cluttered with boxes when he came by. I had no choice other than to tell him of my plans.

To say that he didn't take it well was an understatement.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING DANIELLE?!"

I remained sitting on the couch…staring at his eyes for a long moment before answering. I knew that he was mad…but I refused to get as worked up as him.

"Mykel, as I told you before…I'm moving to Arizona. There is nothing left for me here."

"Nothing left for you? What about me? What about everything we've gone through in the past thirteen years?" His words were coated with bitterness.

"What about you Mykel? You join the Marines…you take off without me. You run off and get married every chance you get. You never cared about me the way that I do you. It was only a game to you. You never fully understood my depression…my lack of enthusiasm for the living world."

"Oh and I suppose you weren't really happy when you were pregnant with our child either!"

I had to fight against my anger now. He of all people knew what a sore subject that was with me. I stayed quiet…knowing the moment I opened my mouth I would say something I deeply regretted.

"Danielle, do you even care about your family anymore? Do you care what this will do to them?"

"Mykel…I am hard pressed to care about anything right now. My family can survive fine without me. Besides, I'm going to live with Lisa! She is my sister you know. I don't think that's considered leaving my family." He was pacing back in forth in front of me. I had to fight against the urge to tell him to sit down or I wouldn't be responsible for my own actions.

"Oh whoopee fucking do Dani. You know…all you're doing is running away. I used to think I was the one with the problem. I was the one who pulled back every time you wanted something more from me. Now I know it was you all along. You have always been so terrified of letting other people into your little manic fucking world. Well I'm telling you right now Danielle…you're making the biggest mistake of your life! This is something you're going to regret forever!"

I couldn't hold back anymore. Mykel had a way of taking my perfectly calm emotions and turning them into a raging inferno. I hated that he could do this to me…but I could never stop it once started.

"SHUT UP ELY MYKEL! I am past the point of caring what you think anymore! Don't you get it? I want to die! I want to take my life and let it slip silently down a drain until nothing is left. I just don't fucking care! If you want someone who cares…then go back to that evil bitch you call a wife! Go have tons of kids and be happy! Just don't ask me to join that little fucking parade!"

I jumped up from my sitting position on the couch. My fists met his chest as I kept screaming at him.

"You want your fucking life to go on?! You want the perfect little goddamned wife and the perfect little goddamned family?! Then you may as well get the hell out now! You know damn good and well you can't have that with me! I can't give you what you want in life. I can only sit back and watch while everyone else gets what I want! INCLUDING YOU!"

Tears coursed down my face but I didn't stop to wipe them away.

"How do you expect me to sit back and watch all of that calmly? How can you expect my life to go on when I just found out that I couldn't have what I want?! The only thing I ever wanted was you and our child! In the past two months I've had **_everything_** ripped from my heart! And now you tell me that I can't leave because **_you_** don't want me to?! You tell me that it's not good for you?! That's what it always comes down to…isn't it?!"

My fist hit his chest with way to much impact at my last words. His hands finally reached up to grab my wrists before I could inflict more damage.

"Danielle…oh god…" He pulled me to his chest…even as I struggled to get away.

"Shhhhh. It's ok…really…"

His comforting noises fell on deaf ears. I didn't want him to calm me down. I wanted a reason to leave. I needed a valid excuse to run away.

"Mykel…let me go."

He didn't listen…I struggled until my body was weak from exhaustion. His grip never once relaxed from around my body. It wasn't until I stopped struggling that he finally relaxed slightly.

With one last burst of energy I broke away from him.

"Mykel, go back to Sharon. We both know she wants you back. At least she can give you everything you want."

I started to turn away but he had other plans. His hands grabbed my arms pulling me roughly to face him.

"Danielle, don't you fucking understand?! I don't want her! I don't care about having more children! I never wanted any in the first place! I bet you never even knew that!"

"Yeah right. Just like you never once knew what I wanted the entire time we were growing up. Go back to her Mykel. It's what your mother would want."

I knew if I mentioned his mother it would get to him. I could see the pain welling in his eyes at even mentioning her.

"Shows how much you know Dani. She wanted me with you. You're so wrapped up in wanting to die that you never once paid attention to what was important to everyone else. The only thing you have ever cared about was yourself and your selfish need to die."

His words struck me deeply. So much of what he was saying was true…but not to the extent he thought it was.

"I'm leaving Mykel. I want you to know right now that there is nothing…and I do mean nothing that you can do to stop me. In one week you'll be saying goodbye to me. I need this as much as you have always needed a woman by your side. I can't stay here…I just can't exist in this plane anymore."

My hands finally reached up to wipe away some of the tears still falling from my eyes. I barely made it before he stopped me and did it himself.

His arms snaked around my body…before I knew it he was gripping me in a tight hug.

"Dani…" His words were soft…muffled as he spoke though my hair.

"I can't stop you from leaving. We both know that. But that doesn't mean I have to accept it either. I don't want you to leave. I want to be able to remember everything we've gone through in the past thirteen years. I'm just afraid without you near me…"

His voice died away before finishing the sentence. I knew what he was about to say.

"That you'll forget?" 

I felt his head nod against the top of mine slowly. He was crying. I could feel it in the way his body shook.

"Mykel…I will remember you forever. Will you remember me the same way?"

"Dani…I want you to promise me something…"

Whatever he was trying to say must have been hard. His voice faltered in an out the entire time.

"Promise me that…"

I waited for him to continue. I had no choice in this. I couldn't fathom what he would make me promise him. Unlike other times…I didn't know what he was about to say.

He pulled away and pushed me back to the couch. With a slight pressure he made me sit down as he knelt before me. His eyes locked within mine…and for a moment I felt the pain he was going through.

"Dani…promise me that you won't die before me. I couldn't handle living on this earth knowing that I would never see you again."

"Oh Mykel…I can't promise that. I can't promise something that would kill me every bit as it would you. I know, for certain, that I couldn't live knowing you were dead. Please don't make me…"

"Promise me Danielle." His voice was soft but forceful.

"Can you promise me that very same thing?"

"I will promise if you do the same."

"Then yes Mykel. I promise you."

"I promise you will never have to live knowing the pain of losing me Danielle."

His words made me smile. The thought of us controlling that one thing was ridiculous…but it was all we had left.

"Great…next thing you know we'll both die in a car crash together."

I don't know why…but his words sent a chill down my spine. I couldn't help but notice the same reaction travel through his body.

"Dani…can you make me one more promise?"

My body stiffened.

"I don't know Mykel. Seems like I'm all out of promises today."

"This one’s much easier…I swear. I just want you to promise that you won't let your life pass you by without opening your eyes to possibility once. There are things to live for. Even if I'm not one of your reasons…then there is something out there for you. If only you can open your eyes long enough to see it."

"You want me to find what makes me happy? That's your big promise?" I couldn't hide the incredulous tone in my voice.

"No I want you to promise to not let it pass you by. That's what I want."

"I'll try Mykel…but no guarantees. You were always my sole reason for living."

He hugged me close to his body. Our tears had stopped by now but I still didn't want to let him go. I had a week left to be near him…to drown in his closeness. I wasn't about to waste our only moment of nearness.

He pulled away before I did. There was no hesitation in his next move. It was something neither of us could predict…nor ever forget. His lips met mine softly. Sweeping back and forth over mine in ways I could only try to remember from the past year of our lives. In that one kiss I found my reasons for the life I didn't cherish. But I was at a loss on how to get it back. My world was too far deep into darkness to keep it alive.

I pulled away slowly. My fingers reached out slowly to trace his lips…pausing softly to run over that full bottom lip.

"Go back to her Mykel. At least then I'll know you're safe. Then I know I can move forward without worry of how you're faring."

The words were low in my throat, but I knew he heard them just the same.

"I will always be here for you Dani. Remember that."

~@~

The day of my departure arrived without fanfare. Mykel showed up just as we finished loading up the moving van. His eyes were downcast…shifting between the loaded van and my face. His expression spoke to me in so many ways. I could see his fear etched deeply into his dark hazel eyes.

He stood beside me for over twenty minutes before speaking. His hand snaked into mine as we stared around my empty apartment. So many memories were being left behind. Memories that I would cherish and dread late at night when I was alone.

When he finally did choose to speak his words threw me for a loop. "You know Danielle, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm oddly reminded of an Eagles song right now."

"An Eagles song?"

"Yeah…well um, Hotel California. You know the line about dancing to remember and dancing to forget?"

I felt his hand squeeze mine and turned towards him cautiously.

"Yes…?"

"Well, let's dance Danielle. Let's keep dancing, if only to remember the good times…and forget the bad."

"Mykel…there's no music."

He pulled my body close to mine and slowly started to lead me around the living room.

"Pretend Dani. For me."

So we danced. Our bodies moved softly together as if we were one being. Deep in my heart I knew he had something to tell me. There was no way that he would behave this way otherwise. When he did speak I knew what he was about to say before he said a word.

"I'm getting back together with Sharon. I knew you'd want to know."

Despite the ache I felt in my chest…I knew that he was finally doing the right thing. Our time was no longer in the present. What happened in our time apart would determine whether or not we had a future.

"I hope you're happy Mykel. I really do. It's the only thing I ever really wanted for you. Even if it's not with me."

I heard one of the moving men whistle and knew it was time for me to leave.

He gripped me tightly in his arms. I could feel his pain. It laced throughout my body the same way it must've gone through his. But I pulled away from him. I could see the tears that fell silently from his eyes.

I turned to leave and his voice stopped me one last time.

"Danielle?"

"Yes Mykel?"

"I left you a tape in your car. Listen to it and know that I do love you. I always will. The song that plays from it will tell you what I know of us. And I know…it will…"

His crying was finally making itself known. I could see him forcing himself to hold it back. He swallowed a few times and continued.

"It will bring you back to this time. The time when it was us…us against the world."

"I love you too Mykel."

With that I turned and walked away. I headed towards what I knew would be my certain death…knowing I would probably never see him again.

~@~

My trip out west was nothing short of emotional. I refused to cry. I don't know why…but it seemed like that would be the only way I could survive. As long as I chose to focus on the pain…then I could finish what I wanted to in the first place.

I knew I wouldn't keep my promise to him. I could no more pull the past back to relive it than I could to promise to live beyond his time. I had no intentions of staying on earth for any longer than needed. I wanted only to understand my pain before taking my life. My promise to him was merely a cover for what we both knew was inevitable.

When a person chooses to run away from everything they know…it is a sign of worse times to come. To truly run away is impossible. No matter what you do, it will always come back to haunt you.

I was not the exception to this rule. From the moment she saw me…my sister knew something was going wrong. I could tell by the way that she looked at me that she knew I was in pain.

But for once in my life I refused to acknowledge it. I didn't want to admit to my faults and fallacies. They were my grudges to keep.

Still we talked through the night. I caught her up on everything that was happening in our family, while she laughed and hollered about all the anecdotes. It wasn't until almost four in the morning when she could no longer stand the curiosity.

"Dani…you've told me everything that's happened with almost our entire family…but you haven't once mentioned what you've been up to. Is there something you're not telling me? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine…" The words were out of my mouth before I quite knew I was going to say them. She stared at me, her eyes searching my gaze for whatever I seemed to be hiding. I turned away…looking anywhere but at her.

"Look Lisa, I'm kinda tired. It's been a really long trip and I need to find a job in the next few days."

"Dani, I think we both know you're not **_fine_**. But I think I'll let this slide tonight." She stood up and stared at me for a moment before turning towards her room.

"Besides…you'll tell me eventually. Even if I have to force it out of you. Night Dani."

I stayed awake for the rest of the night thinking about her words. Out of all of my siblings, Lisa seemed to be the one I always had the best connection to. She always knew just the right thing to say to me to make me sure of my decisions in life. She also always knew when I was lying to myself.

In every moment that I remained awake, I grew more certain that the darkness had finally overtaken my life. Everywhere I turned I saw pain and loss. When I closed my eyes I saw only peace. I craved that peacefulness. Each time it appeared in my mind.

It was for that hunger that I finally fell asleep. My troubled mind locked tight into my recurring feelings and gave me dreams of a different nature. I saw only hate in those visions…

I hated my life and everything I had become. I hated that I was twenty-six and still afraid of the dark. But most of all I hated what I refused to see. At some point in my life I became a bringer of death and desolation. It was that which I despaired most of all. I had become the one thing I most feared…a friend of the darkness.

It was at this point that I finally saw my life for what it really was. I was a failure in every trial and tribulation that had been sent my way. In doing that I had failed the one person that I should've been the most faithful to…

Myself.

~@~

When I woke up the next morning, I knew something inside of me had changed. I no longer felt the thread of resistance holding me deeply entwined into the waking world. At sometime during the night it had come unraveled from the rest of those that so tenuously grasp it…unraveling like a verdict that had been placed on me so many years ago.

I understood my pain…and somewhere in that understanding I had finally found an escape. These were the reasons I had been looking for…the reasons I ran in the first place.

I knew at that moment, if I wanted to take my life, it would finally be the right time. There was no way that Mykel could stop me…he was too far away. I had heard everyone leave this morning during my tumulus sleep.

Without thinking twice I went into the bathroom and stared at my reflection. I stared hard…almost as if trying to see what lay inside myself. When my face began to morph into something else…some kind of creature that I knew couldn't possibly exist was when I rummaged around to find the razor blade.

The pain seemed minimal at my practice cut…and in the end I grasped the blade tighter and sliced right up my arm.

The next thing I knew I heard a scream.

"OH MY GOD DANIELLE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Lisa was standing in the doorway staring at the blood that seeped endlessly from my arm.

Within moments she was by my side, applying pressure to the wound. She grabbed a towel off a rack and wrapped it around my arm. Her face had gone pitch white…her words babbling on with no response from me.

In that little span of time I saw a reason to live. My sister, one of the people I had chosen to care about, was in total fear of losing me. I could no more draw that fear away from her then I could open my eyes to everything I had thought was once right.

I didn't say a word the entire time it took to get to the hospital. It wasn't until after my arm had been stitched together that I finally spoke. We had a brief moment alone while the doctor went to get my medical records.

"I'm sorry Lisa…I had no idea."

She was still pale…but the fear had drifted out of her features.

"What were you thinking Dani? I mean how could you be so selfish as to think you are the only one with pain in your life? And what if it had been one of the kids that saw you do this? How would I explain to them why you feel the need to take your love away from them forever?"

Tears were silently rolling down my face…but I chose to ignore them for that moment.

"Lisa…I…I don't know what I was going through at that moment. It would be difficult to explain it to you. I just felt certain that everyone would do fine without me in their lives. But now I know…" I paused, searching for understanding in her eyes, "I know that I cannot take my life. I can't create the pain in your eyes ever again. I can't be selfish about it…"

"Danielle?"

The doctor chose that exact moment to walk in.

"I think maybe we should discuss some psychiatric care. You obviously have issues that need to be dealt with. I had originally suggested maybe some time in a hospital, but your sister seems to think you'll be alright with her."

"I know I will. Please just let me go home." My voice came out almost a whine.

"Still, these issues need to be dealt with. I'm going to give you a few phone numbers of psychiatrists. I want to see progress on this matter. So what I'm suggesting is this. I will give you one week to call up a doctor and seek help. If in that week a psychiatrist doesn't call me to say that you have an appointment, then I will not hesitate whatsoever to place you in a hospital. This depression obviously stems from somewhere. I want to make sure we break through it and discover what is making you this way."

I nodded with agreement at every word he said. I knew that I needed help. For once I was finally able to acknowledge it.

We left the hospital that day. I knew that this was the one thing I had needed all that time. I had finally moved forward with my life…and the past could be discarded at my feet.

I no longer feared the pain.

~@~

My psychotherapist appointment went without a hitch. I tried to tell my doctor exactly what had happened over the past year…but in the end I couldn't tell her about Emily. The pain at losing my daughter was still too deep to acknowledge. She would remain in my heart…in an unfathomable place, that not even my sister would be able find. Emily was the one thing I could depend on when my mind drifted into darkness and my thought drifted to death.

I found a job easily. With the credentials I had it wasn't hard. I spent most of my time driving from work to the doctor's office. I had appointments three times a week.

Eventually things began to get better. I missed Mykel more than I could express to those around me. But I also knew he was happy where he was. I wrote him a letter once a week…telling him about everything that had ever run through my mind. I know he must have thought I was going insane. But in truth it was the only time in my life that I truly felt in control.

About a month after I moved I received a letter from him. He had decided to rejoin the military. Sharon wasn't too happy about it...but I knew it was what he truly wanted. He had missed being in the service the entire time he was away from it. But he wasn't going back into the Marines. He had chosen the Army in hopes that maybe he could find happiness. I could do nothing but pray he found what he needed inside himself as well.

I chose to live each day in wonder. Every day that I woke up, I would look for something that would distract me. I felt that if I could distract my thoughts…then maybe I could take my mind off of how much I truly missed the rest of my family. It worked for only four months before I could no longer stand the pain.

In the end, I sat down with Lisa and told her I had decided to move back home. It was a difficult conversation to have. She knew my reasons…but she feared that I would have a relapse into what I had been when I first moved in with her.

But my mind was made up. I was going back…if only to see the rest of my family and make peace with what I had done to them while growing up.

~@~

When I got back home it seemed as though everything had changed. The city seemed larger than I remembered it. There were so many people that had come and gone in my life at that point. Each one of them had helped or hurt me in ways that no one else could've. For that I was grateful.

I felt lost in the crowd for a very long time. Sticking only to myself…refusing to go anywhere but looking for a job. In that depth of people I was to find out that I was not alone.

After searching for a month straight I went back to my old workplace. It seemed different but I no longer aspired to see the changes. It was too much to take in at one time. My old manager took one look at me and asked why I didn't just come back to work for him. It was as if a light bulb went off in my mind. Within a day I was re employed. But this time I would be doing something I enjoyed more.

I was to work in a new area…a place that I had always wanted to be but was never quite able to convince them to let me work. It was in this area that I found a friend I knew I could depend on.

Her name was Melissa. Within moments of talking to her I knew that she would be the one person that could turn my mind to everything that drove me towards what I needed in life. I trusted her immensely…telling her things that I had never spoken aloud to anyone else. She inspired me to make more of my life…bringing me joy in just going to work each day.

Perhaps it was for this reason that I began bringing her gifts. I wanted to give her the same happiness that she fulfilled in me. It was a happiness that had come from years of searching for a true friend…and finally finding one.

I was only back for a month when I received a call from Lisa. Mykel had sent a letter to me. In all the hustle and bustle of moving back home I had only sent out a postcard to tell him I was doing okay and that I hoped he was as well. Unfortunately, I hadn't sent it out until the day before this phone call.

I had Lisa read me his letter over the phone. He had been transferred to Alabama after joining the Army. His words held so much more than I could decipher to Lisa. But I knew she didn't mind not knowing the specifics. She was just relieved to know that I was still doing all right.

He left his phone number in the letter. Within moments of hanging up with her I called. I knew he was in pain…and for once I wanted to relieve that pain instead of cause it. I saw this as my only option.

"Hello."

"Hi Sharon…this is Dani. Can I speak to Mykel?" The second Sharon heard my voice I felt tension over the phone line.

"Oh damn it…hold on a minute." I heard the phone tossed across a table and her voice in the background.

"Here! It's your goddamned girlfriend!"

"Danielle?" The instant I heard his voice I was lost. I could hear the pain and frustration in just the way he said my name.

"Mykel, what the hell is going on?" My voice was barely a whisper.

"Oh God Danielle…I…I can't believe it's you. I knew that you would call…but this is still a shock."

"What the hell is going on? Why is she so mad at you for me calling?" His sharp intake of breath was easy to hear. In the distance, I heard the sound of a door slamming.

"Danielle. I…we…Sharon is pregnant again. When she told me, it kind of shocked me. But when I suggested we name the baby Danielle or Daniel she lost it. We've been fighting for a month straight." His voice hitched for a moment and I wondered if he was crying.

"I just miss you Dani. I miss you so much. I feel like I've been split open and can't breathe without you near. I feel like…like half of a person."

I sighed. I felt pain coursing through my veins…but I refused to acknowledge it. In only five minutes of being on the phone with him, I had regressed back into the darkness. But I refused to stay there for very long.

"Mykel, you've made a decision in life and for once you have to stick with it. I know that we have a past…but we're still not ready for a future. We both know that…"

"I know Danielle. I just keep asking myself why this hurts so much if it's the right decision." I knew what his face looked like at that moment in time. I could see it clearly despite the fact that we were thousands of miles apart. The little boy lost look that I knew and loved was etched deeply into my brain.

"I love you Mykel. I always will. But for now, I have to find myself. I have to be able to see what everyone else sees in me. Without that I am nothing. And deep down I think you know you have to do the same thing for yourself."

"God I love you too. I will always love you. But I also know your right. In the end it's my decisions that led us to this very place…isn't it?"

"It was both of us." The statement came out clearly though by this time tears were coursing silently down my cheeks.

"Look Danielle, I should get going. I think I need to check on Sharon and make sure everything is okay. I'll write to you."

"Ok Mykel. I'll write back."

"I love you Dani."

No matter how much I wanted to deny it I knew that he was finally telling the truth. I could hear it etched deeply in each syllable he spoke.

"I love you too Mykel."

I hung up the phone without saying goodbye. I couldn't fathom the thought of having to ever do that again. I didn't want to feel that pain. I know now that I should've said something more to him. I should've explained our reasons…or kept him on the phone until we could no longer handle the pain. But in that one factor I failed.

It would be the last time I heard from Mykel for another six years.

~@~

Lisa told me she would send his letter out to me…but I never received it. Somewhere between here and there it had gotten lost. It was for this reason that I no longer had his address.

The paper that I had written his phone number disappeared one day. Despite how much I searched I never found it. My only hope would be that he would write to me once more.

It was only after my sister moved into a different house that I realized the impact of what had been lost on that one tiny piece of paper. In our final conversation I had never once told Mykel I was back home. With my sister moving he no longer had a way of getting a hold of me. We were completely lost from one another.

I cried the day I realized this. It was no longer an option for me to write to him. Every letter I sent was returned with "Wrong Address" stamped harshly across the front.

It was the first time I felt truly alone since I was eleven years old. He had been such a big part of my life that I could no longer fathom this time without him.

Months passed by. Eventually I looked at a calendar and realized that an entire year had drifted by. It seemed to be a lifetime at that point.

Melissa remained by my side. But I found myself pulling more and more away from everyone I knew. The one person I had trusted in my life was gone. In that year of separation so much had changed.

I tried to move forward with my life. I wanted nothing more than to see that he was okay. It wasn't until the day of our second year apart that I remembered the tape he had placed in my car. Despite everything, I had never wanted to listen to that tape. I knew that it would dredge up a darkness that I had all but eradicated from my life.

With a determination that I had forgotten existed I searched throughout my apartment for that tape. When I finally found it I hesitated to play it. I still had no idea what was on that tape. After staring at it for almost an hour I finally placed it into a player.

I listened to songs that will forever remind me of Mykel. Each time I heard one of those songs I cried for our lost contact…for our lost love.

But none of this deterred me from my goal. I was reaching to find my place in the world…with or without him. What never seemed apparent to me was that I was by no means going to be happy without him.

I enrolled in college again. Taking my mind away from my pain of losing him. In school I could concentrate on other things. It never completely held…but at least it gave me a welcome break from the pain.

After three years, I began seeing his face everywhere. In every man that I passed by I could see parts of Mykel. But no matter what I tried I could never quite bring myself to go out with these men. I wanted no one but him. I couldn't convince myself that one of these men could make me feel as complete as Mykel once had.

During that year I excelled in all of my classes. I headed towards the top of my class…bringing in honors, if only through pain. My major was something Melissa had convinced me to look into. I was studying to become a writer. For years I had been writing short stories…but it wasn't until the year before that I had finally shown her anything. She encouraged me to take that step forward…telling me that she had never read anything remarkably like them.

I still had hope in that year. I was lost and that seemed to be the only way I could find my way home. I could write letter after letter to Mykel…hiding them away for a time when I would see him again.

It wasn't until I realized four years had passed that I finally gave up hope of seeing him again. I had tried everything to find him at that point. Even going so far as to hiring a private investigator.

But everything was to no avail. Mykel had joined the Army and literally disappeared from all view.

In the end I was alone. My hope was gone. My trust was gone. And the one person that I knew I could not live without was truly gone.

~@~

During my first year of collage I began writing a novel. It was full of aliens and conspiracies that had never been dwelled in before. It didn't get finished for almost an entire year. When it was complete I was hesitant to submit it. In the end Melissa came through for me once more. She came by my apartment and took it without me knowing.

She sent it to several publishers. It wasn't until I started receiving contracts in the mail that I realized what she had done. I was mad for only a few minutes before realizing what it all meant. I no longer needed to worry about anything. I could now do what I most wanted to in life.

We sat down for hours…pouring over each contract until we found one that sounded right for me. I would be allowed to write full time. As long as I produced a novel every two years I could remain under contract. It shocked me to realize how many people liked my work. I had always been my own worst critic in everything I did. Writing was no exception.

When the first book went out I was still amazed at the response. Within a month it was the eighth top seller in the country. It seemed everyone wanted to read about aliens taking over the world. I started receiving fan mail asking when I was going to release my next book.

Through all of this I finally realized I had found my place. I finally found who I was and what I could do on my own.

But still I missed Mykel. He was my every waking thought. When I wrote I imagined us as the main characters in my novels…us in extreme situations unable to admit a love that was so obvious to those who read my books. I hadn't seen him in four and a half years…but still I could picture him clearly in my mind.

Within that first year I put out another novel. I refused to change the characters, keeping only these two as the main ones in my books. I wrote of liver eating mutants, alien abductions, and ghosts who haunted the living.

I was halfway between my next book when my world collided within itself. I was frustrated with the storyline…getting caught somewhere in between the conspiracy that seemed never ending in my stories.

I left the house in frustration. My parents lived only a few miles away and I knew they would want to see me. I hadn't visited them in almost three weeks. I got in my car and drove to their house within moments.

I was almost at the front door when I heard a voice coming from inside. The voice was one I knew deep in my heart. The sound replaying itself over and over in my mind every day I lived.

I stood there a few feet from the door shaking. I knew I had to be hearing things. But in everything I knew that I couldn't be mistaken about this one thing.

I heard my name mentioned and still I couldn't move. It wasn't until he opened the door and I saw his face that my paralysis broke. Darkness began to overtake my vision…covering me a cloud of unconsciousness.

Standing in the doorway of my parents' house was Mykel.

~@~


	7. Part VII: Found Within Myself

The snow finally stopped falling sometime this afternoon. Somehow or another, he has convinced me to wander outside long enough to enjoy the chill of winter. I can see the excitement, the sheer joy of contentment, in his eyes.

He seems so young when I look at him…so much like he used to be. But that was before the world collapsed at our feet. Before our lives were turned into something most people only read about in a good fiction novel.

I am still contemplating this fact when I feel the snowball smack into my shoulder. Within moments I retaliate. The snow is cold…but we remain warm in each other's company. Our love for each other quickly replaces the chill in the air.

It is only after we are both covered in snow that I know we have to stop. His cheeks are flushed…but that is not what stands out the most when I look at him. It is the sheer tenacity and drive that I see in his eyes that makes me gasp. He is staring at me with a look of astonishment. Awe that so clearly shows through the darkness that has become a part of his features since the change in our lives.

He pulls me to him, cold snow floating around us still, and kisses me deeply…soundly. When we do break apart I see that look still shining from his face.

"Why are you so giddy?"

I normally wouldn't ask him this question. Every time I mention his happiness he tends to withdraw for a few minutes.

His lips meet mine briefly before he answers.

"I have never seen you look more beautiful than you do at this moment in time."

The words make me laugh lightly.

"You have said that every day since I we got back together."

"I know…but it seems like each day I see something new that just stands out and pulls your beauty even further. Whenever I see you it hits me like a lightning bolt."

His arms hold me even tighter against his body and I feel the warmth. It covers me like a blanket in the cold wind around us.

"And every time it leaves me breathless. I can't think of any other way to describe it."

"Don't…it was perfect the way you did."

Still I want to know more. I think he senses this because he continues to talk.

"Every time I look at you I see my past, present, and future. I see the love that shines from your eyes and sometimes wonder what it is that makes you love me. I just wonder why…"

"Oh…"

My heart has lurched from love to pain within moments.

"Don't think about it. Just accept it."

"I don't deserve you. After everything I've put you through and done to you. I can only thank God that you stuck by me for this long. We both know that we wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for my mistakes."

"No. I will not let you blame yourself for this. It's neither of our choices that led us here. It's only the darkness that ever had an option."

"Is this why it hurt so much when we lost each other for so long?"

I smile at the question. We both know the answer to it…so it isn't a surprise when I give no reply.

Instead, I just relish the warmth he brings me. I know it is all I will ever need to be happy. To feel his body against mine is what brings me light. I could no more turn away from that then I could turn away from the darkness.

"I still remember the way you looked that day I saw you again. I think that will forever be etched into my mind."

"Well, you do have some weird way of remembering everything…if only to suit your needs."

I chuckle at my own statement.

"Oh…you're gonna pay for that one!"

He pulls away long enough to roll me to the ground. In moments we are covered with snow again. But this time it is a more even battle. And still he has the advantage of height…despite the fact that we are now wrestling prone in the snow.

It is only after a few moments that I feel the chill settling into my blood again. I shiver and his body reacts immediately. Before I realize what's happening, I am thrown over his shoulder as he walks towards the cabin.

"Put me down!"

I try to sound serious but it fails at the laughter in my voice.

"Not until you admit my memory isn't just used for my own selfish pleasure!"

"No that's what your porn has always done for you!"

We both laugh at the comment. He places me gently in front of him…his eyes shining, his laughter carrying throughout the forest.

"I think I can say this knowing you will not take it wrong. I love you more at this moment…then I ever have before."

"Do you honestly want me to remind you of the last time you said that to me?" The words are a whisper in my throat.

"Yes...tell me."

~@~

There was a light in the darkness…I could see it clearly. But running towards it seemed invalid. I could never reach it no matter how hard I tried.

So I stood still.

But the light was still there…beckoning to me. I could do no more than stare at it as it grew brighter and brighter. Soon it was bright enough to hurt my eyes. It would overwhelm the sun if placed next to it in the fathoms of space.

It scared me. I had never seen light in my darkness. It was always pitch black…

A voice from the light pleaded for me.

"Danielle…please tell me you're okay." The voice was hushed but clear.

It sounded so much like Mykel.

I screamed at the injustice…for the things that were ripped from me. I wanted him back. My soul was incomplete without him.

I felt something then. It was like a cold shower drifting across my face. And someone was holding me down. I don't know who it was but I fought against them. Whoever it was could only be there for one reason…to draw me away from his voice.

"Dani stop fighting me and wake up!"

There was a calming effect settling over my body. His voice relaxed me…becoming the one thing that drew me away from the darkness.

It was only then that I opened my eyes. I stared at him with nothing short of astonishment. His eyes were but a mere few inches from my own. Something was heavy on my stomach and it took me a few minutes to actually discover why.

Mykel was sitting on top of me…his hands gripping my wrists iron tight. I was just laying there under him, my entire body in shock of seeing him. After another minute I glanced around. I was laying on my parents couch…a cool washcloth against my brow.

Mykel must have finally realized that I was no longer fighting him because his hands loosened their grip completely. He started to stand up and I grabbed him back. I pulled his body to mine…embracing him in a gripping hug.

"I think she'll be all right." I heard my mother's voice say laughingly.

I glanced over and saw her and my father standing in the hallway watching us. They smiled at me, and then left to go into the dining room.

"Danielle, I think you can let me go now." I could hear the mirth in his voice.

It was enough to snap me fully back into reality. I sat up faster than both of us expected…sending him flying off the couch. He landed on his rump with a slight "oomph" noise. The sound was enough to make me burst out laughing.

"Mykel how did you…when did you…how?"

"Well if you'd give me a chance to talk I'll explain a few things. But until then I think you need to start making a little more sense."

He laughed and I was hard pressed not to join him.

"Mykel, where have you…"

"Dani, how have you…"

Our words intermixed. He got up and kneeled at my feet. His hands reaching out to run slowly down my face. It was almost as if he was memorizing my features.

"Maybe we should go somewhere to talk Dani." His voice was a whisper that I could barely hear.

"Ok, let me just tell my parents."

We left ten minutes later. I suggested a walk in the park and he readily agreed.

~@~

We wandered through the park for about an hour before settling down into a hidden alcove. We talked for hours…each time bringing up something new. I can't remember how many questions I asked him. I wanted to know everything he had been doing since I last saw him.

He told me about his work…and all of the people he couldn't stand. I returned by telling him about the few friends I had and how much my family had finally taken on a life of their own.

Eventually I couldn't stand the curiosity. I had to know how his marriage was.

"So, how are Sharon and the kids doing?"

His face took on a drawn quality before answering.

"They seem alright, when I get a chance to see them."

He glanced at my face and saw the look of confusion that had covered my features.

"We divorced four years ago. I see the boys every now and then…but Sharon's been pretty evil about the whole thing."

"Is she…does she…"

"She was sleeping around again Dani. Robert, the baby she was pregnant with, isn't mine."

His eyes locked onto one of the trees that consumed the park.

"I found out the day he was born. I had been suspicious, but it wasn't until that moment, that I knew he couldn't be mine. When they drew that first blood sample and it wasn't a match...well I guess I lost it. I ended up slamming out of the hospital room without looking back."

He sighed resolutely...then continued.

"I can't even say that I think of him as mine. We split up the day he was born…and that didn't give me much of a chance to really get to know him. I'm not even sure I really wanted to…it just didn't seem right."

I watched him stare at everything but me. When I could no longer stand the pain on his face I reached over and turned his head towards mine.

"Mykel, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. What do you have to be sorry for?" His smile was radiant…but still I could see the pain etched into his eyes.

"So what about you, Ms. Big Time Writer. I think I may need to get your autograph or something."

His smile was much more genuine this time. I laughed lightly at the remark.

"Well, my writing, you obviously already know about. What more is there to say?"

"Have you found anyone yet? Were you able to see past the darkness to find love?"

He didn't want an answer. I could tell from the sound of his voice. It was coated with a hint of hope…mingling on the border of immense fear.

"I…no. There's been no one since…"

I paused, drawing in a deep breath of fresh air. I didn't want him to see the expression on my face when I spoke these words. He was sure to take it all wrong.

"…since you. I could never trust another person the way I do you. It was never an option for me."

"Oh Dani…why did we leave? Was it worth the pain and suffering?"

The question seemed to answer itself…so I remained quiet. I felt his arms go around me, drawing me closer to his warm body.

He tilted my face towards his and kissed me gently...softly. We smiled into the kiss...both of us knowing that we were a complete circle once more. I no longer felt alone…the darkness receding deeply into my subconscious.

"Dani I love you more at this moment…then I ever have before."

The words shocked me until I realized how true they had to have been. Despite the fact that I hadn't seen him in almost six years, my love was just as deep. It was almost as if we had never been apart. I could feel the tension in the air around us. It was covered in bittersweet memories of the past. Time, it seemed, was on our side.

When his lips met mine again I felt the difference. Arousal shot through my body like a fire that refused to be dampened.

Before I knew it, we were tugging at each other's clothes. My hands were shaking as I undid each button on his shirt. My mouth drifted down his torso nipping and biting at whatever skin I could find.

My palm ran down his chest slowly. I could feel his heart beating…the speed increasing as my hand continued further.

In that specific moment, I don't think it occurred to either of us that we were in the middle of a public place. All that mattered was that I wanted him inside me. I needed the connection that I knew only he could bring me.

His hands drew down my sides…pulling me harshly into his lap. My legs opened on either side of his…cradling his body safely within their grasp. I finally had the advantage as I slipped his shirt off his shoulders and ran my nails lightly down his back.

"Oh god Dani…I've missed you so much. I've missed this."

His lips lost mine with every word that he spoke…only to find mine again between each word…each sentence. It was the exact spot I wanted and needed him to be.

"But most of all…"

His voice was coarse with desire.

"…most of all I missed the closeness that I can only share with you."

"Mykel…"

His lips traveled down my neck biting down lightly.

"Oh god…stop talking and make love to me already."

He pulled away from me…locking my gaze deeply within his.

"Dani, has it occurred to you that we're in the middle of a public park?"

"And that makes a difference why?"

My breathing was completely uneven.

His hands traveled under my shirt, his roughness contrasting the smooth skin of my chest. I felt him cup my breast lightly in his palm. His fingers found the hardened peaks easily…pinching and pulling heavily.

"I never knew you had a wild side Dani."

I grabbed his head and pulled it back towards my neck.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me Mykel. Why don't you discover them right now?"

My shirt disappeared over my head within seconds. His hands found my breasts again…this time teasing with even less mercy.

"Does this turn you on Dani? To know that at any moment someone could walk up and see me doing this to you? To know that someone else would see how much you want me?"

He taunted me with his voice…each word drawing more arousal to go coursing throughout my body. I let him talk…relishing in the golden timber that I hadn't heard in so very long. It wasn't until I felt his hands on my ass…pulling me into his body as he roughly pushed against mine that I could no longer take it.

"Oh god Mykel...please."

His hands found the buttons on my jeans. He unsnapped them deftly and curled his fingers into my wetness.

"Please what Dani?"

I could hear the smile in his voice. I didn't have to look at him to see it.

I moved back away from him slightly…my hand traveling down his chest. I cupped him lightly in my palm…though his pants, his hips arching towards the touch.

"Make love to me Mykel. Right here…right now."

His body quickly obliged. His lips meeting mine roughly. His hands tore at my pants. I had to grasp them so that he wouldn't tear them off of me.

With that task accomplished I went to work at his pants. In moments I managed to pull them and his boxers off. My mouth traveled down his abdomen slowly. I licked and nipped at anything that I came into contact with. When I reached his arousal I took it deeply into my mouth.

His groan was deep…traveling from the middle of his chest to those lips that I couldn't resist loving. My tongue lashed out to tease the tip…each swipe drawing a moan from him. I could feel the blood pulsing through him…his heartbeat prominent in his erection. His head began thrashing and I pulled away suddenly.

"Thank god…"

I laughed at the sentiment.

"Not on your life Mykel. I have other plans for that."

I lay next to him for a few minutes…allowing his breathing to adjust back to normal. When it finally did, he rolled over and covered my body completely with his own.

"Other plans do you?"

His hardness pushed insistently into my thigh…my legs slipping open to allow him room. His body fell between them softly.

"Well I have a few of my own. Stand up Danielle."

He rolled off of me and stood up. I stared at his body…taking in each curve…each muscle.

"Stand up."

His hand reached down to offer me assistance. I took it and he pulled me up next to him.

Before I knew it my back was against a tree. One hand reached down and drew my leg around him. The other grabbed both of mine…trapping them high against the tree. I was wedged between the softness of his body and the rough bark of the tree behind me.

"So Dani…think you can handle me now?"

"Anytime Mykel."

I felt his erection nudge against my opening, the very touch sending my blood rushing to my veins. He pushed into me slowly…taking a deep breath at the slightest resistance.

He buried himself deeply inside of me. The gravity of our position working for the ultimate goal.

Pain flared deep inside me for a moment before adjusting to the invasion. It had been so long since I last had anyone this close. His body froze until I opened my eyes. What met my site when they locked with his was something I will never forget.

Tears were rolling silently down his cheeks. It took me a moment before realizing the same wetness was coating my face. It had been so very long since he last loved me. In this one act of passion I found my future…and in that I finally found myself.

"Oh god Dani. I haven't felt this close to anyone since I left you. How could I have let you leave? How could I have walked away? Why?"

His hand let go of my wrists and reached down to grab my other leg. My arms went around his neck…holding him tightly against my body. We stayed that way for almost a full minute before I could no longer take the anticipation. Almost as if he had read my mind he pulled out and slammed back into my body.

My back scraped roughly against the bark of the tree but I barely felt it. I could only feel his heartbeat…intermingling within my own.

The pace we set was fast and furious. I felt my body lifting higher and higher each time he entered me. I closed my eyes against the feeling. But even that didn't draw me away. I was on the brink of oblivion…the precipice so close within my grasp.

"Come for me Danielle." His voice whispered coarsely in my ear.

It was all I needed. I screamed only seconds later. His name echoing softly from my lips within the trees that shrouded our love. I grasped him firmly…not wanting to let go. I could do nothing but hold onto him and trust that he wouldn't let me fall.

After my body calmed down I realized he was still deeply imbedded inside of me. His face held a look of awe.

"My god Danielle. I have never seen you look more beautiful that you do at this moment."

My body grew heavy against his and he let us slide slowly to the ground.

"Oh no you don't. I'm not done with you yet."

I barely registered the words before I felt him withdraw and slam back into me.

The friction alone was enough to cause my body to react. I felt the sharp burst behind my eyelids once more. Before I knew it I was coming again…this time damn near making me black out with the sensation.

His rhythm grew frenzied against me and I knew that he was close. Taking his head in my hands I pulled it towards me and ran my lips down the side of his face. My tongue traveled towards his ear…suckling it gently between my teeth and nibbling lightly.

He groaned…his body bucking uncontrollably against mine. He moaned my name. With one final thrust inside of me I felt my body react again. I joined him in that void. Our minds colliding and clashing until neither of us knew where one began and the other ended.

It was officially the beginning of the rest of our life.

~@~

I was lying there next to him in the darkness. His arms were wrapped around me. We had hurriedly pulled our clothes on just in time for someone to actually invade our private little haven. They had walked by without a second glance our way.

After they were gone he pulled me next to him in the grass. His arms wrapping around me as if he would never let me go. His breathing was deep and even, but I knew he wasn't asleep. I could tell by the soft sighs he would let out occasionally.

It was silent…too silent in my mind. We had just made love in the most public of places, and he hadn't said a word since that moment. Eventually the silence began to scare me. It was as if I knew there was more bad news…I just didn't want to ask him what it could possibly be.

So I lay they in his arms…waiting for the inevitable fall of happiness that I had finally found again.

"Danielle…I should tell you…" This was what was bothering him. After almost total silence for almost a half an hour he had ultimately found the courage.

"I need to tell you…I have to go back to the base in a month."

He sat up suddenly, pulling me up to face him.

"Will you go with me?"

"Wh...what?" I couldn't hide the shock in my voice.

His face was excited. He looked like a child that had just discovered candy.

"Come with me."

His eyes locked in mine and I finally saw what I was looking for.

"I lost you once Danielle. I don't ever want to do that again. Come back with me…we can get married…"

He froze at his own words. I could do nothing more than stare at him with astonishment. Marriage had been the last thing on my mind that morning when I woke up. Now it seemed that everything had changed within twelve hours.

"Well think about it. You have absolutely nothing holding you down here. Your mother and father told me to take you and be happy."

He grinned when I stared at him.

"I told them I came back to ask you to marry me. I could only hope that you hadn't found someone to take my place."

My head shook at his words. His eyes took on a haunted quality and I realized what it must look like to him. He thought I was turning him down.

"Mykel…I'm not saying no to the proposal. I'm just astonished. I've been trying to find you for almost six years…and suddenly there you are. It's just so much to take in all in one day."

"Look Danielle. If you want to think it over I perfectly understand…I mean it's not like…" He stopped talking the moment my fingers reached up to cover his lips.

"Yes Mykel."

The smile that came to his face was radiant. In that one smile I saw the man I had grown to love for over twenty years. He was the boy, the man, and the lover all mixed into one package. And now…because I had agreed he would be my husband.

He grabbed me to him…his arms crushing my tiny frame against his larger one. His lips met mine frantically…each kiss sealing in my answer even more deeply inside my heart.

He went home with me that night. He claimed that he was worried about me...but I knew the truth. I think he feared the moment I was alone I would change my mind. What he didn't realize was that the entire time I'd known him I had been waiting for that one moment. Our perfect moment.

He had come back into my life…and I would never let him go again. I would never turn away or turn him away again.

~@~

Blank pages are much like time. When you first glimpse that page it is pure…completely unmarred by anything. But eventually, someone will come across that sheet of paper and use it to write notes…or draw a picture. It the end it will only get discarded.

I could only see time as a window to the personality it absorbed. It no longer mattered which dream you set out to accomplish. It will all only lead you to the same place you wanted to be. It is, to a degree, like writing.

When you're writing a story…your mind evolves into each word. You can't see past, present, or future. All you see is each letter…each word.

As the words begin to form, then you become the person in the very story you're writing. Despite how much you choose to write…it will still lead you to the same ending that had originally been ordained. You can change only basics of the story…taking for granted that the story led you to that spot in the first place.

It is a constant battle of fate and free will.

The person you love will forever remain by your side. For that is the one true place they belong. It never quite works out smoothly…but that is just the complications of a relationship. Some problems are easily solved…others are so hard that it seems you cannot even face them. The small problems are easy…but if left unattended they will grow to big problems. Those big problems will eventually work themselves out…but would have been much easier to deal with when they were still little enough to almost not matter.

People disappear out of your life every day. But there is a known fact that life itself is a circle. What once was a part of your life will be again. You just have to have patience and courage to see your way through the darkness. You have to be able to see the light of a brand new day.

I found that light in Mykel.

We got married the Saturday before leaving. Our family and few friends attending…Melissa still by my side. From the beginning I knew she would be my maid-of-honor. The moment I had arrived back home six years before, she had been there for me…in everything, beginning with my pain, to my search for Mykel.

In this one time she stood by me proudly. I had told her of our plans. She smiled and wished me well. I remember what she said before she walked away from me at my wedding. I remember each word, as it stayed etched upon my soul.

"Everyone is in your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. He's in yours for a lifetime. Always remember that and you will survive the cruelty of life. We all know different things. Make sure your goal has been finished in this life before you move on to the next. Don't make the same mistake you did in the last one."

Her words struck a chord deep inside my chest...but I never once let on how deeply they had affected me. Instead I hugged her and thanked her for everything. When a person is happy they often become blind to the most obvious of things.

I glanced around the room at my wedding. It was only at that moment that I saw how much my parents and sisters had aged. My parents were frail…the gray standing out sharply from their hair. My sisters were no longer the children my parents raised. In growing up we had struck out and become individuals. Each of us wandering about to find our true selves and finally succeeding. It reminded me of just how much time I had left with Mykel.

And in that reminder I kept a lock of cold fear deep within my chest. We had wasted half our lives turning away from one another. Now, twenty years later, we were finally in the right spot. Those big problems had taken over our lives at the worst possible moments.

When my eyes locked onto his I vowed I would never block him out the way I had six years before. I was not going to be left alone. He would stay beside me forevermore.

~@~

We spent our wedding night curled up on the couch. In between making love we managed to eat a few bites of food. Eventually our bodies wore out from the excitement of the day…and the activities we had taken up the entire night. I drifted to sleep in his arms with a happiness that I had forgotten existed.

But for some reason I was not to sleep peacefully that night. My nightmare came to me in the depths of darkness.

The actual frame of the dream was the same. But there was something entirely different this time around. And for once I wasn't alone. I could feel Mykel next to me. His arms gripping me tightly in his embrace as my body grew tense.

There was a presence overshadowing the darkness. Something evil had slipped into a place that was already scary enough for me. I tried not to be frightened. I had Mykel next to me there was no reason to scream. It was only when the voice of evil began to speak that I truly lost it.

"Well, well, well…Fox and Dana. Or should I call you Ely and Danielle?"

I heard a bitter laugh come from the darkness.

"You found each other once again…but I think it's time we spoke. This was my best way of contacting you."

There was a faint smell of leather in the air. But that nowhere near affected me as much as the voice. I knew who it came from. I just couldn't place the name or face. It was on the tip of my tongue.

"Who the hell are you? Show your goddamn face!" Mykel's voice ripped through the silence that descended around us.

A glimmer of light shone brightly in the room…but whoever it was stayed deeply in the shadows. It took me a few moments before I realized where the light came from. It was shining out of Mykel himself.

"You won't know me. I can guarantee that." With those words he stepped out of the shadows and into the light. Before us stood a young man in his early thirties. His dark brown hair was cut closely against his brow. I finally understood why I smelled leather when I saw his jacket.

Mykel drew in a deep breath and placed his body between mine and this mans. It was almost as if he knew the man too. If he did he was having the same problem as I was…trying to figure out why he knew him but had no real memory of him.

"You know…just because you died, doesn't mean he did as well. We are all a part of each life. You need to watch out for the smoking man. He is the pure embodiment of evil."

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Mykel screamed. He was getting as frustrated as I was.

I heard the man laugh cynically again.

"You don't know me. I told you so. If only they hadn't wiped your memories away from your last life. This wouldn't be as hard to accept then."

He took a small step towards us then hesitated.

"Look…I…we…" He turned his head to the side and muttered slightly.

"I knew you in your last life. I guess you could say I worked for and against you. I wasn't allowed to be reborn when I died. The only reason that you guys were brought back was to finish what you started before."

A look of confusion crossed Mykel's and my face at his words. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about.

"Look, when you were brought back it was explained to you. Mulder…it was explained in great detail to you. How could you not remember that time?"

He was growing frustrated with us. I could see it in the young man’s eyes.

Mykel stood his ground between this man and me. He refused to move even when I nudged him slightly.

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

I had never seen Mykel as angry as he was at that moment. The intensity behind the emotion scared me until I felt him take my hand in his.

"You had better remember Mulder. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for her!"

He gestured towards me with an angry hand. I flinched away from him.

"If you don't remember then both of you will only die. Then you will have to suffer through yet another lifetime. You don't want that for **_Danielle_** do you?"

I could hear acid in the other man's words.

They were no longer paying attention to me. Their eyes were locked in a battle of wills…each one fighting to gain control. It was a losing battle. As it was, I knew that I could walk away and neither would notice me at that point.

"Look, just remember this. Evil has a demented half-life. You can eradicate it if you pay attention to what it needs. Find out who he is…and find out quick. Otherwise you'll just keep going back." With those final words he turned and began to walk away.

I finally spoke at that point. I couldn't resist the question that came from my lips.

"Who are you?" It was a whisper…but still it managed to stop this man from walking.

"My name is…" His voice took a dark note as he spoke. "…was Alex Krycek."

He was gone a moment later. Mykel turned towards me…his face showing nothing but concern.

"Are you okay Dani?"

"I'm fine…"

His form disappeared before I got the words from my mouth. I was alone in my darkness. The thought finally brought out the screams from the back of my throat. To go from having light…into utter darkness was my worst nightmare.

I struggled awake. My eyes flew open as I fought against the arms holding me tightly. I couldn't figure out who had taken hold of me. It took me a few moments to actually realize it was Mykel. It was only after I caught the faint smell of his cologne that I finally settled down.

"Are you alright Dani?"

His voice was a mere whisper against my hair. I could tell he was relishing in the smell of it.

"Why do you do that?"

He stopped for a moment…his body tensing.

"Do what?"

"Why do you smell my hair? It seems strange."

My body was still shivering from the nightmare…but I wanted to avoid that topic as long as possible.

"I…well…" He fought against the words.

"I just want to remember what you smell like. It helps remind me of why I love you so much…of why I felt the pain when you were gone."

He turned me towards his face adjusting our bodies so that he knew I was comfortable.

"Now Danielle. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…"

"No." I could almost hear a hint of harshness in his voice.

"You're not fine. And for once I'm not letting it go at that. Not after the dream I just had with you in it."

I couldn't help the shock I felt at his words.

"What was your dream?"

"We were alone in the dark and some man kept calling me Mulder. It was creepy."

My body tensed up completely and he must've felt the shift.

"What is it Dani?"

"I just had the same dream…"

The situation had become surreal at that point.

"How is that possible Mykel?"

"Danielle…it's not possible. In fact it has to be a coincidence." Even as he spoke the words I could tell he was lying. He believed...that was all that mattered.

"But Mykel…we did…how **_is_** that possible?"

~@~


	8. Part VIII: Running With Determination

I often wonder about all the people I've lost over the years. I close my eyes and I see the ghosts of those people I loved and cherished as one year drifted slowly into another. They haunt me…but only in the ways that lost loved ones can. They appear as a good memory…or a broken dream with something left to gain.

Nevertheless, it isn't enough. If I could only forgive the others for creating the pain in our lives. Then maybe it would be sufficient to just have those memories. But I cannot forgive those that sought and still strive to destroy us. It is not in my nature to do so.

Music is drifting softly throughout the air towards me. He has taken this moment to relish the effects it has on my mind. I don't know what he's been doing since we came in from the cold. From the moment I said I was going to prepare dinner he has eluded me. The music is torture to my soul…each note drawing forth those dark memories that seem to swell in my mind. I hear him move in the other room and my body stiffens.

He is standing behind me now. I can feel him as he breathes. I can feel him staring at me as I move around the kitchen. His eyes penetrating my very soul…so that nothing can demand what we so fought to cherish. I hesitate to look at him. Despite everything we have done that day…I know what is coming next. I have no idea what started it…no inclination to search for the direct change in his mood.

It isn't important anyway. He will approach only when he is comfortable…no sooner. I know his moods…his mannerisms…but there is still that lingering fear every time he is quietly studying me as if I am unaware. It is a fear that harbors pain of a past when I was still unsure if he loved me. A fear that breeds contempt to those that wouldn't understand.

"When did you write this?" His voice shocks me from my thought process.

It is new for him to speak when he is like this. So new, in fact, that I forget my fear of seeing his expression. I have turned towards him without even realizing it.

He is holding a piece of paper out to me. I stare at him with confusion…my eyes shifting between him and a paper that has changed dramatically over the many years it existed. I knew immediately what it was that he now had in his hands…but I couldn't figure out why it was that he now held it. I had never intended for him to see that paper…never wishing to even acknowledge it in my own presence.

With shaking hands I reached out to grasp the yellowed sheet. The ink is barely visible…the edged worn with time. I needn't have it in my hands to know what it says. I have read this letter many times in the past.

* * *

My Dearest Mykel,  
It has been more than a year since I've talked to you. I have tried everything  
to find you…everything in my power. But all to no avail. I can do nothing, and  
that, in itself, tears my soul apart.  
I don't know why but there are times that everything about you eludes my  
memory. I can't recall your smile…or the way your eyes had a tendency to see  
right through me. I want so much to remember these things. They seem to fade  
over time…I cannot recall them once lost. It saddens me to think that you may  
disappear from my memory for good. For what would I do then? It seems to be a  
cycle of all that I have forsaken.  
Without you I am nothing. I have nothing. I can do nothing. We have proven  
that fact time and again. Still, Fate has decreed for a second time that we should  
be apart.  
I know not what you're doing right now… but I can feel you close. I can feel  
your body entwined within my own… your heart beating gently in the same  
rhythm as mine.  
What was it that tore you away? Was it my pain and suffering, or your own?  
I have tried on many occasions to answer these questions… but I cannot. I can  
only hope and pray that you come back to me someday.  
Mykel, for just one more kiss I would suffer through darkness for fifty  
years. For one more gaze of your eyes… I would last a lifetime of nothing  
but the deepest black. Your eyes brighten my soul until it shines with pure and  
simple light. And now that that is lost… I am adrift within it.  
Of the many letters I have written to you… of this one I am most proud. I  
could never dictate exactly what I felt in all the others. I need you to be there and  
see this in me. I need your light to show me the way.  
For without you Mykel… I am lost.  
  
With Endless Faith,  
Dani

* * *

I didn't speak to him. I couldn't. There was so much pain written in one letter…so much time wasted on all the wrong things. If only we had stayed together…then maybe our time left together wouldn't be so painful.

Or maybe it would only be worse.

I turned back towards the sink then. I no longer had the strength of those years alone. I couldn't hide the sadness that flooded my features. My hands gripped the counter in an attempt to quell those emotions. Tears, bittersweet, cascaded down my cheeks as I fought against my own intuitions.

It took me a few moments to realize his body was pressed lightly against the back of mine. He offered me the warmth that it was suddenly no longer providing. I felt his strong arms wrap around me…his hands capturing mine.

I glanced down…startled at the contrast our hands created. My fingers were tiny…each one delicately cradled between his. The pale glimmer of my skin tone…made the darkness in his gleam even more.

I stared at that distinction until it made me shiver. I felt that same flicker of uncertainty run through his body as well. I could feel it around us…the darkness capturing each moment…consuming every single second of bright light that seemed to be left.

He said no words of comfort. I knew nothing could be said…when our future was still so uncertain.

I don't know who was more surprised when he pulled away from me. He just took a step back and that was it. I felt his hands grasp my arms as he turned me around to face him. My eyes couldn't meet his. He stood there in front of me…not moving…not speaking.

I jumped at the first touch of his fingers on my chin. He was tilting my face towards his…attempting to look at me. It was something he had claimed to be able to do on many occasions. He could look me right in the eye and…just know if everything was all right. I closed my eyes to avoid it. I could stand there forever…in order not to show him my fears and heartaches.

" _Look at me_." His voice was a ragged whisper, cutting deeply into each curve of my heart. I couldn't deny him…I knew it as well as he did. I could fight against it…but it was a losing battle.

My eyes opened slowly…adjusting to the harsh light around the man that stood in front of me. His presence overwhelmed everything around us. The moment my eyes clashed ruthlessly against his and I knew. It wasn't the worst thing to find out…it was the only good thing I could've referred to in my life at that very moment.

In his eyes I saw the same uncertainty that was running through the blood that pounded so maliciously throughout me. In that one flicker of emotion I lost the war that had been struggling deeply inside me since the instant we woke up that morning. I lost myself in the depths of whatever he could and did provide me.

He reached towards me again…the action startling me out a stupor. But he didn't touch me. Instead…his hand hung lifelessly in the air between us. There was a time when I would've cried out at the pain of it all…a time that it would've hurt me to even realize exactly what it was he was offering me. It was nothing profound…just a simple gesture.

He was asking me to dance with him.

I took that hand and finally found the answer. In everything he would remain my light. He would take me to the deepest fathoms…just to extend this one moment in time. Our time was what we made of it…not of what we chose.

We knew they were coming for us…we knew they had figured it out. But in this dance we discovered the difference between truth and lies. Time had finally sealed our fates. It was our end to things discovered.

It was time to finally let go of the past.

~@~

If there ever came a moment that someone stopped long enough to ask me what the day before we left was like...I wouldn't be able to do it. Instead, I would only be able to focus on thoughts that processed through my mind that day. I remember looking around at all of my nieces and nephews and just knowing that I would never see them again. I had no preconceived notions…just a certain feeling that left me dreading that I would never live to see them all reach maturity. So, instead of crying for those that I was leaving behind…I grew chilled at the thought of who they might become. I knew I would never get a chance to find out.

There were many occasions that left me bare of emotions. This was not one of them. I stared around at the faces that had become so much a part of my life…and then I looked at Mykel.

In his eyes saw the life we were setting out to finish. And I knew that it would never be enough. Our time together was nothing compared to the time we had already lost.

And in that moment…I gave it all up. I walked away from my entire family...just knowing that whatever Mykel and I faced in the future would surely be the death of us both. Nothing else would matter from that moment on.

We took our time driving to our new home. I couldn't tell him of my feelings towards my family when we left. But eventually it was too much to hide. He woke up to my tears in a dark hotel room our first night. Without saying a word, he took me into his arms and held me as I cried. I don't know if he joined me in this heartache…I'm not sure if I would ever know.

He held me throughout the entire night…never once leaving my side. And in the morning…we watched the sunrise through our hotel room window. We never mentioned that night to each other. I think he knew it was something that would've only brought me to tears at even acknowledging it. So in the end…we held another secret sacred to only one another.

It took over a week for us to reach Washington DC. Mykel had been stationed at Fort McNair when he came to get me. As much as I had hated leaving my family…I loved DC. The day we arrived…it almost seemed as if we were finally coming home.

Over the next few months we settled into a routine. Mykel worked mostly nights…on what he wouldn't tell me. When the military is involved, there are certain things a man cannot even tell his wife. I remained curious…but nothing would make me pressure him to tell me his job. I didn't want to put him in that predicament of having a wife that asked too many questions.

Eventually, we grew used to our days and nights together. In the past there had always been the fear of losing each other. We no longer had to face that. We were married…and that was a miracle as it was.

I finished my book on the nights that he had to work. There were no questions of how things were going. My writing had excelled in my happiness. My editor demanding me to write another book almost immediately.

I talked him into waiting for a few months. I knew there were still things that Mykel and I had to talk about. There were still options I had to discuss with Mykel…still things left to be said. I wanted that time to be with him…without having to worry when another book was due. The publishing company agreed once I profusely promised to give them another book after a year.

I could have honestly said at that point, that we had achieved what our lives were meant to be. I had completely uprooted my life…wanting only to be near Mykel. I foolishly thought that we had all the time in the world to make one another happy. I wasn't to find out until later, how wrong I had been in assuming our lives were finally complete.

And because of that…one or both of us would die.

~@~

We had been at the base for more than five months when Mykel called me and told me we were going to have a visitor. He had invited his commanding officer over for dinner.

I was frantic the entire day. I cursed him for putting me in this predicament. I thought that if this man didn't like our home or our lives then Mykel would be in trouble. I had heard horror stories from the other spouses of military personnel.

So, because of this I spent the entire day cleaning. I scrubbed the house…from floor to ceiling. Anything that got in my way was either thrown away or placed aside for later grievances.

During this frantic pace, I found several things that seemed out of place in our tiny place. There were things I didn't remember owning…things that seemed too odd to be Mykel's. These items I placed in a box. I would ask him about them later. Perhaps he knew why they were there.

A few hours later I knew something strange was going on. My box was full of strange items. A coffee cup that I found in the back of our closet. A stuffed bear that had been shoved down deep into our couch. A remote to a television…that failed to work on any of ours. My box was full of things like this. I couldn't figure it out. The couch had been new when we moved in. The apartment completely empty. Being avid coffee drinkers…there was no way we would've shoved one of our cups into the closet. The whole thing confused me.

I shrugged before placing the box in the living room. I could figure it out later…with Mykel. I was certain that he would know why this stuff was there. There was no other way to explain it. I started dinner without giving those items a second thought.

Looking back now…I wish I would've hidden that box. But there had been no way to predict what would happen that night. No way to see the future for what it is…an incredible twist of irony.

~@~

From the first moment I laid eyes on Mykel's commanding officer I knew I hated him. His face was nice enough…his voice smooth like butter. But in his eyes I saw an evil that a normal person would never quite notice. I had no idea if Mykel felt the same thing. So, instead of the rudeness that I was tempted to show the man, I graciously invited him into our home.

My introduction to him was brief. I barely paid attention to the man’s name. I couldn't have cared less at that point. He was evil…and I knew it.

He asked me questions about my books…even asked me to autograph one for his wife. I remained pleasant if only to please Mykel. I couldn't resist the thought of making this man leave my house…despite everything I knew he could do to Mykel.

We were seated in the living room when Mykel glanced at the box I had so carelessly left out. His eyes rose in question towards me as his voice took on a strange tone.

"Dani, what is this junk?"

I glanced quickly towards the man I loved.

"I have no idea. I was hoping you would know. I found it scattered throughout the house today when I was cleaning."

"Maybe it was here when you moved in."

I turned towards the voice and focused on the man that I detested.

"The place was empty when we moved in."

Standing up, I walked over and grabbed the box from the end table. Turning away from both of them I spoke loud enough so they could hear me.

"I'm going to throw this stuff out and check on dinner."

I walked out of that room almost frantically. The moment I reached our kitchen I sighed with relief. I didn't know how I was going to get through dinner with that man. I would have to fight against everything inside myself…everything that told me to run from him. As fast and as far as possible.

Tugging against our back door, I quickly disposed of the box I was carrying I heard a few things shatter when they hit the bottom of the trashcan. It didn't matter. They obviously didn't belong to us.

As I turned back around to go back inside…something appeared in front of me. I jumped…startled at the sudden movement. When I realized it was Mykel I damn near punched him.

"Don't do that, damn it!"

He smiled at me…his eyes lighting up at the tyranny in my voice. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

I placed my arms slowly around his waist…pulling his body close enough to hug him.

"It's ok Mykel."

"He left…" Mykel's voice reached my ears and I stiffened in his arms.

"I just don't get it. First he insists I invite him to dinner…then the moment you left the room he said he had seen what he needed to and he didn't want to take up anymore of our time. He's acting stranger than normal."

I glanced up at Mykel…for the moment relieved at the prospect that I wouldn't have to sit across from our dinner table with that man. But the instant my eyes locked on Mykel's I knew there was something that he wasn't telling me. I looked right into those eyes…and knew he was lying to me.

I pulled away from him with no warning. My body moved stiffly into the house. I hated it when Mykel lied to me. It was something that held over from when we were growing up. And now…as adults, he was pulling some of the same traits I had fought to save myself from years ago.

I finished dinner in silence. After everything was set out and ready, I left. I didn't care if the food got eaten. I was too focused on the fact that Mykel had lied to me. I wouldn't eat that night, just out of sheer anger. By the time he came to bed, I was already laying down.

He must've known something was wrong. When he climbed into bed he didn't reach for me as he had the entire time we were married. He lay uneasily on his side of the bed…each breath of air catching with every exhale.

Anger seeped from within me. For some reason, I couldn't get past the fact that he had lied to me. I wanted to focus on that fact. I wanted to drown in it.

Tears coursed down my cheeks when I realized why it had hurt me so much. Mykel was the one person in my life that I trusted. If he could lie so convincingly…then I was left with no one to trust. I wouldn't be able to live that way. Not when we had just started out.

Around three in the morning…I woke up to his body wrapped around mine. He was shaking…my body muffling the sobs that seemed to escape a facade I hadn't seen through. I turned towards him expecting nothing more than what I saw. He was a man broken…a man with only my heart keeping him alive. My love was his anchor.

I gathered him into my embrace and whispered to him softly. I comforted him the best I knew how. I wasn't sure if it would be enough…but I was certain that at least he knew I cared. That I would never stop caring for him…no matter what.

He fell asleep in my arms. His crying eventually wearing down his body until there was nothing left to give. The tears I shed with him as he wept, had dried up in my own eyes by then. I held him as close as possible. I feared our future after meeting that man that night. But above all I dreaded losing Mykel. I knew that we would wake up and either discuss what had happened…or completely ignore it. I was terrified of the answers I knew were to come in the morning. I wanted to remain blissfully unaware.

Terror kept us honest. Our morning was full of a conversation that I know I will never forget. His voice sounded so resolute the entire time he spoke. I listened as he described the strange things his commanding officer did. The many occasions he had asked where we had gone on certain nights. All of it was something Mykel didn't understand. In turn, it held the belief that I wouldn't understand it any better.

"Dani, I can't seem to see why when I was here before, I was just a peon. But the moment I appear with you as a wife, things got incredibly suspicious. It's almost as if they're keeping an extra eye on us both." His voice drifted off slowly.

"What I fail to see…is what is so important that would warrant such significance."

"Mykel…do you think that maybe it's because of the books I write. Maybe it's all just us overreacting."

"No. It can't be." He stared at me…his eyes full of emotions I had yet to discover.

"There's always been something about **_him_** that I can't place. He seems almost familiar in some strange and foreign way."

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I realized what he was implying. He didn't like his commanding officer anymore that I did. It was the only thing that made any sense at all.

My voice was full of determination when I broke the silence between us.

"The only thing we can do is wait it out. I don't see it any other way."

He sighed at my words…almost as if to implement me for not having a better reaction. I was just as confused about the entire situation as he was. Something deep inside of me was telling me that no good would come of the entire situation.

~@~

Months passed, and as the time disappeared from us we grew to understand each other better. Our lives became very much normal in the sense that we now knew exactly why we chose the path we did. We could finally accept those things that had meant so much to me growing up with him. Everything appeared to be the way we wanted it to.

I went through the next five months with a solid mind. My reactions and detriments had endeared my mind into the light. I felt nothing was beyond us as long as we remained together.

I was out shopping for groceries when everything fell down at my feet. If I had been paying attention…things would've turned out much less complicated. But as it was I feared nothing.

My surprise at running into a man I had successfully avoided for so long would never be quite excelled. One moment I was alone…and the next he was standing right next to me. To meet the cold eyes of Mykel's commanding officer, after so many months of pretending he didn't exist, was chilling.

He was standing by my car...his eyes showing no indication of what was imbedded into a soul that could only be described as evil. It wasn't until that split second that I realized exactly who he was...and what he was setting out to do.

This man was the demon of my dreams...the epitome of my worst nightmares. Spawned from within...he held the key to the unknown. Drifting from one life to another, spreading fear and disease. I could only see the shell of this creature that stood beside me. To be honest...I didn't want to see beneath the depths of those cold, calculating eyes. I knew the price would be too deep for me. I would only end up drowning in petulance.

"Danielle...how have you been my dear?"

He spoke to me...but I refused to listen. I ignored him. He had no right to talk to me...commanding officer or not.

I was turning away when his hand grabbed my arm. I felt the pinch as he squeezed my flesh coldly between his fingers. My body reacted immediately...yanking away from the chill of his old and decrepit bones covered by thin flesh.

I stared at him...my mind mentally gouging out those eyes as they glared into mine. My voice was low and threatening as words erupted from my clenched teeth. "Don't you ever… ** _ever_** lay a hand on me again. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a great deal of pain. Our lives have absolutely no reason to cross paths. Leave it at that...before they find you dead in your home old man."

"Aww, Dani. I'm hurt. I thought you cared so much about my well being. I can make or break you and Mykel, Dani. Don't ever forget that."

His voice was so calm and unemotional. It only proved to anger me further.

"Listen you sniveling half of a man." I kept my voice low so others couldn't hear us...but it still held that threatening tone.

"We have made it through worse demons than you. As far as I am concerned...you have no place in our lives. Our time of acknowledging each other is over. I want nothing to do with you."

"Au contraire, my dear. We've only just begun this whole game. And you and Mykel...are now my key players. You would do well to remember that!"

I couldn't handle him anymore. There was no point in arguing with the devil. I turned and walked away. It was my only option at that time. It was only after I was halfway home that his words truly impacted me. He had spoken of a game...and of us being key players.

But the moment I realized and distinguished this...I also felt something else. My head was growing heavier by the second. I was fighting every urge and natural instinct that told me to just fall asleep.

I almost didn't make it home. I can barely remember anything about that last half of my drive. I do know I hit our trash cans when I pulled into the driveway. The sound of metal crunching against the bumper was extremely loud.

But the last thing I truly remember...was climbing into our bed. The cool sheets hit my body and I was gone. My conscious mind drifted off...focusing only on dreams that would forever remain a part of who I am now.

~@~

I stood alone in a darkened hallway. There was no fear of the dark...just a question that cycled through me over and over. I couldn't figure out what it was that had brought me there.

I was drawn towards a light...something that was so distinct in that darkness. Despite the fact that this wasn't my darkness, I knew that whatever I was sent there to see, was hidden in that light. So, I walked towards it.

Sitting around a table were several men. And at the head of the table...sat Mykel's commanding officer with a cigarette perched expertly in between two fingers. He looked like a man who had recently decided to take up the habit...and enjoyed it immensely.

I stared at those men around the table. They were silent for so long that I became frustrated with them. I still couldn't figure out why I had been brought to this place. So I stood there unsure of what to do next.

It was only after a minute or so that I finally decided to take the plunge. I began to step out of the shadows that were hiding my body so well. But before I could do so...a hand fell on my shoulder. I turned, expecting it to be Mykel.

It wasn't. Standing before me was the same man we had dreamed about. I could remember the name Alex Krycek.

"Watch and listen Scully. You'll understand soon enough." His voice was loud and clear...making me cringe at the thought of them overhearing us. He quelled my fears immediately.

"They can't hear us. We're but ghosts in the shadows. A trick I learned from those that want to help. Darkness is not always so intimidating."

"My name is Danielle! Remember that..." The words seethed from my mouth.

He smiled faintly at my protest.

"You will remember...I guarantee it. Then you will be thankful that I gave you that respect."

He turned my body back towards the group huddled around the table.

"Now watch, listen, and learn. Your questions will eventually answer themselves."

So I listened...his hand ever present on my shoulder. It felt strange, but only for as long as I allowed it to. There seemed to be an underlying feeling that it should be Mykel standing beside me for this.

Soon, I was lost in the conversation that had emerged in my brief distraction with Alex...no that didn't quite sound right. For some reason I knew I could never call that man by his first name only. Krycek was more acceptable in my mind.

"Do they even realize what she dispersed of that day? To be so careless in what you put in there! How could such a mistake be made?"

Mykel's commanding officer stood up...anger apparent on his features.

"You people are fools to think they wouldn't notice!"

"Sir, we had no idea she would be that perceptive. There were no guarantees that the intuitiveness would transfer from one life to another."

Mykel's commanding officer turned his head towards the man who had spoken...a man that was now cowering in his seat.

"Excuses! You men don't have the brains to work on this project! You men lack the knowledge it takes!"

His voice dropped a notch as he stared around at the other faces speckling the table.

"We cannot underestimate these two. The knowledge they possess about the project cannot be duplicated. I want that house bugged again! And this time... ** _no_** coffee cups or remote controls! Act like you know what you’re doing this time!"

I gasped. They were talking about Mykel and me. If I had felt confused before that point...it doubled immediately. I had no idea what knowledge we possessed, let alone why we were so important to whatever plan he was talking about.

"I cannot reiterate this enough...Mulder and Scully are not to be underestimated! He does not know why I have placed him on this project and I would prefer he doesn't find out before the planned date. If we are to be successful in this transference then we **_MUST_** follow the time schedule."

"But why..." my voice was a whisper...despite the fact that I knew they couldn't hear me.

"Scully..." Krycek's voice broke through my confusion. Still I didn't turn towards him. I still didn't know why he was calling me by that name.

" ** _SCULLY_**." He pulled me back towards his body and shook me lightly until I faced him.

"This is a past experience. You need to remember this...but most of all...right now...you need to **_wake up_**!"

"Wha...what?" He shook my body heavily again.

"WAKE UP DANIELLE! I **NEED** YOU TO WAKE UP **NOW**!" That voice...that voice was Mykel's.

My eyes flew open at the mention of my name, clashing harshly within hazel depths. I tried to keep them open. I just couldn't. I fought and fought until I could barely move...but it was absolutely no use at all.

My body lifted lightly into someone's arms. I could barely snuggle closer to him...my body refusing to agree with any movement whatsoever. He carried me somewhere...the footsteps echoing through a hazy fog swamping my mind. It was only after I felt him lay me down on something soft that I allowed myself to completely pass out again. The last thing I felt was a blanket wrap around my body. The last thing I heard was a car engine gun to life.

After that...my world went completely blank.

~@~

I awoke to the sound of gentle talking coming from somewhere behind a wall. I lay there with my eyes closed...wondering exactly what was going on. It took a few moments for me to realize the talking was Mykel's voice. I heard a few muffled curse words and smiled lightly. It reminded me so much of another time...another place. When we were young and still had our future ahead of us.

When I finally opened my eyes and looked around...I was mildly shocked. I was lying in a darkened room. Fear began to creep up inside my body until a light flashed somewhere beyond my vision. The stream of light flickered softly but remained lit. It was at that moment that I realized exactly where I was. It had to be a motel room.

What I couldn't figure out was how exactly I had gotten there. Confusion was eminent in my mind. So I lay there silently...hoping the pieces would eventually fall into place.

"You're awake?"

My eyes adjusted to a figure standing in the doorway to the bathroom. I turned towards his voice...seeking his face. But it remained hidden in the darkness.

"Mykel, what's going on? Where are we?"

His body moved fluently towards mine...until he was standing in a blue stream of light. The shadows cut harshly across his features highlighting the emotions rippling across his face. It took him a few seconds to realize I could see his expression. I barely caught the glimpse of terror before he masked it. He approached me slowly...each step taken as if in pain. I watched him from the bed. There was nothing more I could really do. My body was still sluggish for some strange reason.

"Danielle, I...we..." His eyes locked on mine then cut away to another part of the room.

"We're in Grand Junction."

I stared at him in confusion.

"Ely Mykel...I'm only going to ask you this once. What happened?"

"Dani..." He had finally reached the bed. His body stretched out languidly next to mine.

"I'll tell you what's going on, I promise. However, first I need to ask you a few questions. I need your full attention for this. Think you can handle it?"

I nodded my head resolutely towards him. My actions showed more anger than I had intended. His hands reached out and enveloped one of mine creating warmth between them. Our eyes locked, hazel crashing into blue, until I was sure I could see the very depths of his soul and I felt that anger dissipate.

"These questions may sound rather idiotic, but I need you to bear with me Dani. And always remember how much I love you."

He paused, pulling one hand away long enough to brush the red hair away from my eyes and tuck it softly behind my ear.

"Danielle, what day is it?"

"Monday the twenty first. But Mykel I fail to see wh..."

His fingers went to my lips...hovering tenderly above them.

"What is the last thing you remember happening before you woke up?"

My eyebrow arched at the question, but he refused to yield.

"I don't know."

"Close your eyes Dani and try to remember. This is important."

My eyelids slide shut blocking out everything but his voice as he asked me again what I could remember.

"I went to the store this morning. When I was leaving I ran into your commanding officer."

"Did he touch you in any way? Tap your shoulder maybe? Or take..."

"He grabbed my arm!"

The memory slammed back into my mind and my eyes flew open.

"I pulled it away from him...but I felt the pinch of his grip. I was so mad that he would do something like that. I threatened him bodily harm if he ever laid another hand on me again!"

He took a sharp intake of breath before jumping up off the bed and scaring the daylights out of me.

"God damn it! That son of a bitch! I'm going to kill him. I'm going to rip his nails out one by one!"

I sat on the bed with an amused smile on my face. He was ranting and raving...but none of that mattered to me. All that mattered was I could finally see him...and I liked what I saw. Mykel was pacing the room in nothing but a tiny hotel towel. Anger had given his body a slight flush...which in turn made my breath quicken.

He turned towards me again and froze. I saw a tense smile flit across his features before disappearing as fast as it had appeared. He had to know what was running through my mind...it was extremely obvious by the way I was looking at him.

"Not yet Danielle...but soon. I promise."

His body settled next to mine again but this time he wasn't content to just let me lay there. He slid next to me and pulled me into his embrace. I felt his fingers tilt my chin towards his...the tender kiss brushed lightly against my lips before he spoke again.

"What I am about to tell you is going to sound totally ridiculous. But you have to understand that I always had the best intentions. I never knew it would happen this way."

"Dani, there's a lot of this that I still don't understand...so I really don't expect you to comprehend it completely. We will get through this though. We will survive it."

His lips brushed against mine once more before continuing.

"Three years ago, I was assigned to a project named 'X-files Dementia'. A theory was discovered, and then proven, that we could travel from one dimension into another. I don't know where the technology came from. I don't even know who developed it. But this machine was created. It was very simplistic in design...yet no one knew how to reproduce it except for the original designers. As far as I can tell, not one of them is still alive. This project was deemed classified by several high class military personnel. Not even the president knew about it."

"The details are hard...but the process easy. The machine is turned on...and you step into a room. The moment you enter that room you are in another dimension. Depending on what settings you place into the core of the system, that is where you will end up in the other dimension. And because of the design, it can only take you into one other place. According to the theory, there are millions upon millions of different dimensions. We had but one to explore. That was it."

"The world we had to explore was very much like this one. In fact the only things that seemed different, was the way the time had been set up and the way their future was playing out."

His breathing altered, grasping for breath.

"About a year ago, I stepped into the chamber and appeared on the streets of Washington DC. I was trying to find our contact on the other side. I wandered through the streets of DC for an hour before it happened."

Mykel's arms tightened around me for a brief moment, squeezing then releasing my body.

"I was walking down the street and I saw a woman. She looked so much like you Danielle. So much, in fact, that I almost went running to her. I almost blew the entire project just to make sure she wasn't you. Fortunately, I stopped myself just in time. I hid around a corner until I saw her walk into a building. It was at that moment that I knew I had to find you again. I was jeopardizing my life just to catch glimpses of a woman that looked like you. That's when I left...when I came back to get you."

"Still, that woman haunted me. I kept wondering about how possible it was if you had a double...then so did I. The thought haunted me for almost two months before I decided to do something about it."

His eyes closed as he spoke about this other realm. Despite the fact that I was continually writing about aliens and conspiracies...I still had a hard time believing any of it. But I remained quiet.

"One night, when I was alone in the lab, I went to this other dimension. I set the computer to place me in a building that I now know is the FBI there. That's actually how I found out what I am about to tell you."

Mykel stood up, pulling away from me abruptly. His hand shot out to turn on the bedside lamp. Then turning his body, he moved haltingly towards a suitcase on the floor. Sitting next to the door were two more. I had failed to see them in the darkness.

Despite everything...this site bothered me more than anything else did. The one suitcase that was open looked like it had been packed in a hurry. Mykel reached inside of it and pulled out a large manila envelope. The corners were black and crisp...the burn marks showing clearly.

My heart was beating loudly in my chest from the moment I saw it. Stamped on the cover were letters and words. The letters were bold print...each one seeming to scream at some part of my subconscious. It was that label that caught my attention the most.

**'FOX WILLIAM MULDER: X-FILES DIVISION'**

I stared at those words until they swam in my eyes. Each letter running into the next with no qualms.

Mykel walked towards me opening the envelope more with each step. When he reached the bed, he turned it upside-down...spilling the contents on top of my lap. His hand searched through each item until he found exactly what he was looking for. He grasped the edges of a picture and held it in my view.

I gasped...my body freezing at the site before me.

It was a picture of us. We were wearing FBI jackets and hovering over some papers that obviously held some importance. I stared at Mykel with questions my lips couldn't form. He didn't say anything. He couldn't.

I watched as he shuffled through the pile again and pulled out three more pictures. Each one showed a different time and place. When my eyes locked with Mykel's I knew I had to ask him my questions.

"Who are they?"

His eyes covered with emotion before answering me. "His name is Fox Mulder. The only things I could find on her...was her last name...and her birthday."

He sat down next to me...taking my hand in his again.

"Danielle, I saved all from this from a fire. I saw who set the fire...I watched as my commanding officer changed someone else's future. But after all of this...I know **_now_** that he wasn't my commanding officer. He was a man that even in this other realm was setting out to destroy us."

Mykel paused than ran his hand over my cheek.

"That was almost five days ago. I knew I had to get you out of there...I had to leave because they knew something. They tied it all in. Your books...they dictate these people's’ lives. Each one of them is something that this Mulder and Scully have gone through. You've been asleep the entire time."

"Asleep?"

His head nodded.

"Yes...when my CO grabbed you...he injected something into your arm. I found a mark...but I wasn't sure about...well about...how he managed to get to you. I just knew that something strange was going on. So I packed our bags and got out..." He stopped talking...his words falling away slowly.

"What Mykel? What are you not telling me?" I knew he was still hiding something. I could tell by the look on his face.

"I barely made it out in time Danielle. Not even five minutes after I took off...I heard an explosion. The house blew up. I saw it..."

"Mykel...how can I believe this? I know you expect me to...but really. Doesn't it all sound a bit strange and fanciful?"

He reached down and searched through the pile in my lap one more time. His hand shuffled through it all until it came to the bottom of the pile. His fingers closed around something as his head lifted towards my chest.

"Danielle, one of the things about traveling to this other dimension...is that I know their future. We have the option of choosing what time in that dimension that we want to go to. So I went back...to when they were growing up. I found this...a gift from her mother on her fifteenth birthday."

His hand dangled a necklace in front of my eyes. A tiny gold cross hanging from it. His other hand reached towards my chest and drew out the matching gold cross I wore.

"Despite the fact that you have gone through periods of hatred in God...you always wore that. Why? This cross will be lost to her, but she receives another one at a later date. So, I'm not too worried about it."

"That proves nothing Mykel. You and I both know that!"

I wanted to keep denying it...to take everything that had happened in the past and make it all disappear. But then he said something to me that made me realize the truth in his words. Something that could be said with no fear or recriminations.

"Dani... ** _believe_**."

~@~


	9. Part IX: For Those I've Lost Along The Way

It's ironic how often things can change on a person. You look back and see everything as it once was. I can remember everything about our childhood and past. I can see what he was when he was only twelve years old.

I can see who we were then.

But now I feel as if I've lost myself...and in some misguided way, I lost him as well. We've hidden from the eyes of the world only to get lost in a void of mistrust and intrigue. We ran from reality...we left it all behind.

I was putting away the dinner dishes when I heard his voice calling to me. It was soft...a sound I hadn't heard in so long. I couldn't recall the last time his voice had withheld so much wonder. Our fears had made us abrupt in everything. We never spoke so intensely.

So I went to him. The sound of his voice being something I couldn't turn away from. I had to see why he wanted me near at a time like this.

I found him curled up on the couch. His eyes riveted to a sunset that can only be described as phenomenal. Every color stood out and made me draw in a sharp gasp. Etched across a blue sky in pinks, purples, and yellows...the sun creating shadows across the clouds.

I stood there staring at that beauty. I felt frozen...I couldn't move for fear of it all disappearing the moment I turned away.

"Do you see it? Can you see..." If anything could turn my attention away from the beauty before me...it would be him. It would be the soft sound of his words as he spoke to me.

What met my eyes when I looked at him was enough to wrench directly into my soul. I could see the tears flowing softly down his cheeks in the subtle sunlight that covered his body. The look of amazement in his eyes took my breath away even more than the sunset that we had both been looking at.

He raised his hands towards me and I took them willingly. My body slid next to his...his arms circling me protectively. I knew at that moment that whatever was coming...whatever we had to face, we would confront it on our feet.

We lay there for a long time. The silence surrounded us in every molecule of our beings. Only when the sun began to sink fully did he speak again. This time I knew it was different. I could feel it in his body as he lay next to me. He was about to dissect our lives in his words...about to start a conversation that would forever be etched on the walls of the cabin that sheltered us.

"Do you have any regrets?"

There it was...plain and simple. I tried not to wonder how many times he'd asked me that in the span of just one day...but I failed. He knew me too well. In every hour I went through too many mood shifts to answer that question honestly.

Maybe it was the sunset...or the feel of his chest moving with each breath. I don't know...all I knew was that at this moment in time, I was full of regrets. So many things we could've done differently...so many chances to get it right.

But I knew where he was going with this. I couldn't allow him to blame himself for everything that had happened. I couldn't allow his eyes to fill with hurt because of my regrets.

Still I told him. I had to. I had no choice.

"Yes..."

I spoke each word softly...my head buried in his chest.

"...I do. So much of what we left behind has become something that maybe if we'd done it differently...just maybe it would've turned out right. But..."

I hesitated to speak my next words.

"...I think what I regret the most...is leaving our families behind. I wish we could've told them what was going on. I wish we could've explained it all and said goodbye."

I stayed buried in his warmth, my face resting against his ribcage. I could hear every beat his heart took. I could feel his chest move with every breath. I didn't want to see his eyes. I didn't think I could handle what was in them.

I was shocked when he pulled away. He stood, without looking my direction, and wandered to the window we had been looking out of. The sun was almost gone...and I could only see the outline of his body. A shadow of a figure that I knew I loved beyond time and all physical being. A man I couldn't live without.

"I wish I would have never gotten you involved in all of this."

His voice was hoarse but it remained flat and even. There were no emotions at all behind his words.

"In everything we've been through, every life we've lived, I have irrevocably screwed this up for us. Now...now I look around at what we have become, and I know. I just know that this can only be my fault. I never should've come back for you. I never should've..."

His words died away slowly.

I went to him. Embracing his shadow from behind in my arms. I was at a loss for words. This was the reason I never told him my regrets...the reason I avoided letting him inside my mind. If only I could've told him the truth behind all of this. To explain the things that he must know...if only to give him peace of mind.

"It's not your fault..." My words made us both jump. He was so lost in that self destruction that I had not intended speaking.

He turned suddenly in my arms. His knees fell harshly against the carpeting under our feet. His face buried itself in my stomach and I knew...I knew why he chose to blame himself. If he chose to blame me he would fall apart at the seams.

The silence settled around us for a moment longer. That's when he broke it. His sobs echoed harshly against the windowpane reaching my ears.

I pulled him closer to my body. I only wanted to protect him. I needed to know that he was not going to act irrationally if none of this turned out right. I wanted to take us both away from this place that caused pain in our hearts. But I also knew it was hopeless. They would find us anywhere we chose to go.

"Look at me."

He remained where he was...his sobs only deepening at the sound of my voice. I spoke anyway. Hoping my words would reach his repentant mind.

"I don't think there was anything we could have done. We were destined for this from the moment we were born. If this evil survives...then it will always be the same. I can only hope...this will be the last time we suffer."

My hands ran through his dark hair slowly. The locks of brown teased at my fingers as I curled them through and pulled him even closer.

"I love you."

Despite everything, even losing my family, I knew I could never give him up. He was my world...and my soul reason for existing in this life and every other one. Nothing else mattered.

We stayed that way as the sun sank completely on the horizon. Darkness took over the mountains before the window...each streak of color disappearing from view as if it had never existed. I watched the shadows fall across the horizon and felt it all come to an end. It would be our last sunset together. We both knew it. It lay heavily against the air that surrounded us...in every breath we took.

His sobs receded until that too was only another memory. It was a memory that would haunt one of us on the nights that we were alone. There was no other way.

The clouds masked the stars as they began to peek out. Only spurts of brightness breaking through every now and then...just to prove that they existed. That was all I needed. I had found myself, and him, in these last moments of sunset. In essence we had found one another.

He pulled away from me and dragged my body down to the floor with his. I felt him hover over me...his larger frame covering my small one. His breathing echoed hollowly in my ears.

"Scully..." I drew in a sharp breath of my own at the name.

"Why?"

So much he wanted. All of it in just one word...one question. I didn't have the answers. He knew I didn't. Still I answered him.

"I don't know Mulder...I just don't know."

And I didn't.

~@~

There was a time that everything could've shifted with us. A time when our world could've led us in two separate directions. We would've been safe. We would've survived.

We would've been lost and alone.

But because I couldn't live without him...because he couldn’t exist without me...we became the hunted. Our every movement was watched. Our every moment invaded. We had become trapped in the center of defeat...with no hope of redemption. In the center of the web, our bodies remained. With the spider waiting and watching...always ready to quench it's hunger.

You can only run for so long before time catches up with you. I knew that it would find us eventually. We couldn't hide forever. Nevertheless, we ran. If only to give us a little more time with one another.

For a solid week we hid in sleazy motel rooms. Each day running out to the bank to withdraw as much money as we could. All in different towns...all at different times.

After that week, we ran. We left everything behind and headed to the one place we knew they couldn't find us. A cabin that once held so many memories of a childhood I could barely remember. We went back into the past, if only for the time we had left.

So many nights I would sit and wonder about all of our reasons for just not giving up then and there. I questioned if it would've prevented what was to happen. It was useless to wonder about...but still I did. I couldn't help it on the nights that my nightmares took over and defeated every thought in my mind.

I didn't cry the entire time. I couldn't let it affect our goal. I didn't want to draw him into the hollowness of everything we were forgoing just to be together. I was sure he had his own doubts of what lay in the future.

As we lay in bed that first night at the cabin, I realized that he understood. He tried to hide the tears from me...waiting until the darkness to mask the shallow sobs coming from his lips. I reached for him and held him in my arms. The caresses started...the pain shifting to pleasure. I relished every moment his hands ran across my body...his tears mingling with the sweat our bodies created in one act of love.

Afterwards, we lay in the darkness. His arms stayed locked tightly around my body. I knew something had changed between us. I could feel it everywhere around us. I wanted to tell him everything...to explain our reasons. But I couldn't. I didn't have the answers.

"Danielle...listen..." He was whispering in the darkness...every word sending chills down my spine. His arm lifted away from me and I saw the outline of it against the light of the moon in the window.

The moon was full against the dark sky. Its bright light cast shadows everywhere around us. I stared at that full moon for a few minutes before I realized exactly what it was he was talking about.

We were in the middle of a forest...in a cabin surrounded by trees. On a spring night there should've been sounds surrounding us. Crickets...frogs...anything but the silence that greeted me when I took the time to listen.

Mykel's body shuddered against mine and I knew why. I felt so alone at that moment in time. Like we were the only two beings left alive on an uncaring world. There was no other way to describe that decadence. No other way to place us back into that frame of mind. It was as if God had wiped every living creature from the face of the earth.

I looked at Mykel and saw his eyes glimmering in the darkness. His face held so much emotion at that moment. So much fear etched in every line that creased his brow. My heart cried at the sight. I wanted to give my soul to him...to crawl up inside of him forever.

As we lay in terse solitude with our eyes locked, a tree crashed in the distance...our bodies both jumping slightly at the sudden noise. Almost as if it had been waiting for that very moment, the world shattered into a myriad of sound. Crickets chirped, frogs croaked, and somewhere off in the distance I heard the sound of wolves howling.

"What do you suppose could affect an entire forest in that manner? I felt so alone...almost like we were the only two creatures in existence..."

He was still whispering...each syllable so low I could barely hear it.

"I don't know Mykel. All I know is that I'm afraid. I don't want time to pass...and for one moment it seemed as if it stood still. Didn't it?"

He chuckled nervously at my words as I turned away from him. I pulled his arms with me. I wanted him close to me...for him to block out everything we'd done in the past two weeks. It was almost an act of defiance against God.

"I'm tired...so tired. Can we get some sleep?" I pulled him closer when he sighed in my ear.

"I’ll let you avoid this right now...but we will talk Dani...we have to."

I blocked out his words for a moment before what he was saying fully soaked in. He wasn't just referring to tonight...he was referring to everything. I couldn't do it...I just couldn't.

I didn't reply back to him. Instead I waited. I stayed completely silent until his breathing evened out. I couldn't sleep. I knew why...but I didn't want to drown him in my fears. I foolishly thought I could block him out.

When I knew for sure that he was asleep, I slipped out of his arms. My feet landed quietly on the floor, jerking back at the touch of the cold hardwood. I rested them back on it silently...allowing the cold to seep into my bones. I deserved the chill of the night.

I was almost to the bedroom door when he groaned behind me. I rushed back and placed a pillow between his arms. He snuggled closer to it and sighed with contentment. It was only then that I left the room. The soft sound of the door closing behind me as I pulled it shut.

When I reached the living room couch I finally felt the tears falling down my cheeks. I sobbed into the darkness...hoping it would be enough to swallow my pain. I cried for my family...for his. We would never be able to see them again. I knew it just as deeply as I knew he loved me.

I was gripping one of the pillows on the couch when I heard him enter. He came silently to couch and gathered me into his arms. He didn't say a word...just held me tightly in his embrace. I felt his body shaking and knew he was crying with me. In that one moment, I think we both knew we were out of options. We were coming to the final stages of a life I had not wanted...nor cared for until he was in it.

We fell asleep there on the couch...wrapped so tightly around each other that I didn't know where one of us began and the other ended.

~@~

The world was passing by me at an amazing rate. I stared out the window trying to place where I was. It took a few moments for me to realize I was in a car. I could hear someone talking to me. I didn't want to listen...I knew whatever was being said wouldn't help the situation.

"Scully...come on. You know I'm right about this! How many times are we going to argue over the conspiracy? How many times do I have to put up the fight that they are still there...watching every move we make?"

That voice...it sounded so much like Mykel's. But I knew it wasn't him. They had taken me while we were sleeping. It was the only explanation.

"I don't want to talk about it Mulder." I heard myself whisper.

"Please...for once, give me the benefit of the doubt." He was talking again. A tangent that even I couldn't understand at some points.

I interrupted whoever it was. I still never looked at him. I don't know why.

"Just stop Mulder! Don't you get it? We found exactly what we were looking for and we can't do a damn thing about it. If we carry this on...if we go any further...they will **_destroy_** us. They will tear apart everything that we ever cared about. Everything that means something to us!"

I felt him reach out for me...his fingers touching me lightly on the arm. I wanted to look at him...I really did. But the moment I turned my head away from the window I screamed.

"Mulder...look out! Oh my god!"

My body slammed tightly against the seatbelt. I heard the sound of metal crunching against metal and screamed again. The world began to twist and turn in front of my vision. I felt dizzy...the colors of the world flashing before my eyes from the front windshield.

We were falling...from where I don't know why. Out of nowhere...I felt his hand take mine. It was only then that I could look at him. I could turn towards him and see who it was that I so lovingly called Mulder. Even in an argument I had said his name with such emotion.

And when my eyes locked on Mykel's...I knew. I felt everything we had become and everything we were in just that gaze alone.

I screamed when I slipped away. I cried out for him as I felt my soul ripped from my body.

~@~

"MULDER! MULDER!"

"Wake up Dani! Please dear god wake up."

His voice barely reached my ears before I shrieked again. He was shaking me lightly...his fingers digging harshly into my arms.

"Mulder NO! Don't take him from me!"

My eyes flew open suddenly...locking on his. His face was etched with worry. I could see the expression in everything around him. My hands flew to that face...running fingers slowly down his cheeks until I was certain I wasn't dreaming. I pulled him close to me...gripping him as tight as I could.

"Oh my god Mykel...it was so real. You were driving and we went over a cliff...." I was gasping for breath with each word I spoke.

"Someone was in the road. They pushed us off until we went over..."

"Calm down...calm down." His pressed his lips against my forehead, then traveled across my face.

"You're okay. We're both all right. I promise."

I was crying...I didn't even realize it. The tears rolled down the sides of my face landing on the couch that lay under my head. Mykel was hovering above me...his body covering my own.

As the tears started to cease...I realized the impact of what I had just witnessed. I had seen what it was like to die and leave him behind. My body was shaking at the very thought and images. It took me a moment to realize he was shaking just as bad as I was.

"Mykel...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. It was so real though." My words were a whisper against his cheek.

"That's not it..." He drew in a deep breath before continuing.

"Danielle...do you remember when we were here that very first year when we were thirteen? That first night you had the nightmare?"

I nodded in the darkness. I didn't need to speak. He could feel my head move against him.

"That night I woke you up...you were screaming for someone. I didn't want to talk about it..." He pulled away suddenly and sat up on the couch. I wanted to cry out at the loss of his touch...but I knew what he was about to say was going to irrevocably alter reality for us again. Whatever he had to say was the very depths of our souls revealed.

"You thrashed so bad that night Dani. I remember it like it was yesterday. And when you screamed out for...for Mulder...I didn't know what to do. I was so scared when...I heard you say that name. Something about it shook me so deep. And we were so young then. How could we have known?"

I was still laying on the couch listening to his words. I couldn't move. My whole body in shock at what he was telling me. For me to scream that name before we even knew who the hell it was...made no sense. I couldn't have been...I just couldn't have even known.

"How could all of this tie in together? How is it possible that you screamed his name years before we even knew they existed Dani?"

He groaned in the darkness and I could tell he had his hands on his face. I was proven right when his next words came out muffled.

"What does this mean?"

"What time is it Mykel?" My voice sounded far away to my ears. So distant from where we were right then.

"You want to know the time?" He was amazed and befuddled. It showed with every word he spoke. I reached my hand out to grasp his in the darkness. He curled his fingers around mine...the touch of his skin giving me shivers.

"I'd say around five."

He understood. It amazed me that we were so in sync that he could forgo our confusions. Our discussion would come...and in it we would find the truth behind all of this. Until then I was going to avoid it.

"I'm going to make some breakfast. Do you want some?" I pulled away and stood up. My hand reached out automatically to switch on a light. His eyes shuttered shut from the invasion of brightness. I saw him flinch for a second then open one eye cautiously.

When he could finally open his eyes fully, he saw the grin on my face.

"Think that's funny do you?"

I laughed lightly. "Well...not one of the funniest things I've ever done to you...but it does go in the top ten."

Before I knew it he had launched his body towards mine. He lifted my body up and threw it over his shoulder as if I weighed nothing at all.

"Mykel...put me down!"

He was smiling now as well. I could hear it in his voice.

"You stand in front of me not wearing a stitch of clothing...and make fun of me? Then you expect me not to do anything about it? I don't think so Danielle Leigh Mykel. It just isn't happening that way."

"Mykel!"

He tossed me lightly back onto the couch, his body landing on top of mine. Every part of the front of my body was touching his. His hands were running along my sides driving me insane.

His eyes were locked on mine for what seemed like forever. It was almost frightening with the intensity he was suddenly focusing on me.

"Mykel...I..."

"Oh God Dani...I love you so much."

His lips crushed down on top of mine and I felt the bottom drop out from my world.

Our lovemaking was more intense than anything we'd ever done before. His hands traveled everywhere...his fingers drawing close to my wetness and entering me with a power that threatened to consume me. He drew in and out of my body harshly. Each thrust of his fingers sending me closer to the brink of nothingness.

He stopped before I could reach that peak. Pulling out and leaving me feeling empty for bare moments before sliding back up my body enough to press his erection into me.

He entered me slowly...drawing in a deep breath every second. My eyes were riveted to his. I was consumed with every heartbeat that echoed through my body. Each flutter of our pulses overshadowing our souls until I couldn't tell whose body the beat was coming from.

When he was fully inside of me, I grasped his head and pulled his lips towards mine. He mouth met mine in a fever...deep and inviting in touch. I grasped his shoulders and held him tight against my body as he pulled out...then slowly slid back into my warmth. My legs wrapped tightly around his waist until we were barely moving. It was just the soft movement of his hips meeting mine.

I knew eventually we would be in a frenzy...we would want it fast and nearly rough. But for the moment all I could think was to drag out the pleasure of the slow aching sensation. I hoped it would make time stand still for us. I wanted an indefinite moment in time. Something that I could hold deeply in my heart and never let go of.

My hands traveled over the hard planes of his body. I memorized everything I could about him. Each twist of hard muscle and sinewy skin that I could touch became imbedded in my memory.

My legs released gradually and his thrusts became fast and erratic. He pulled away slightly...almost kneeling at my hips. His mouth opened in a near silent moan...his eyes slipping shut at the sensation. I watched his face and body in the soft sunlight that was just beginning to peak out from behind the mountains. His whole body was glowing for me.

As I stared at him...my eyes shuttered for a moment. He changed slightly before my vision. He had a scar on his shoulder...one that I knew did not exist now. His hair was a slight bit courser and darker.

It was only after he opened his eyes to meet mine that everything came back into focus. His eyes possessed everything I held deep in my heart. They were the same eyes that were in my dream...the same eyes I had had met me when we were children.

Still, I could see how time had hardened him. I remembered him telling me once ‘the eyes were the windows to the soul’. What I saw when I looked at him was the pain of a lifetime spent suffering for things that we did not deserve. A life time full of wishes and dreams broken. Despite the pleasure that began to wrack my body...his eyes made we want to cry for the injustices. They made me want to tear apart everything that surrounded us.

My body stuttered around his as he thrust hard one final time. I could feel every pulse of his pleasure...every beat of the heart I held so dear. I cried out to him...my voice sounding far away and hoarse. My arms reached up to grab him and pull him close. I didn't want to let him go.

But I knew in the end I would have to. One way or another they would find us and tear our tiny world apart.

~@~

I emerged from the kitchen wearing one of his shirts. It hit me almost at the knees...hanging open just enough for him to see the parts of my body I normally covered so eloquently.

He looked up as I entered the room. A smile radiated from every aspect of his features. One look at his face and I knew I was going to cry. He loved me...almost to the point of obsession. I could see the adoration and possession in every line that covered his expression.

It was that smile that undid every belief I had ever obtained. That smile that greeted me would keep me sane for however long we were confined in this tiny cabin. I couldn't leave him behind even if I had the choice.

"Dani you look so cute. I always thought women were sexy in men's shirts." He leered at me suggestively before grabbing one of the breakfast plates from my hands.

"Mykel you would think I was sexy in a potato sack."

I smiled back at him before sitting down to eat beside him. We were quiet for the rest of the meal.

I knew he wanted to talk. I could feel it as he sat beside me eating silently. His body tensed for a moment as I stood and began to gather the breakfast dishes. I turned to see exactly why he was so tense. There was something not quite right about the way he was sitting.

"You know Dani, we could always go to Victoria Secrets for you."

I knew why he had tensed then. It was an old joke of ours. I don't know if he thought I wouldn't play along with him...or if he was just worried that I would take it the wrong way. All I knew was that what I said next would seal whatever fate we had set out for ourselves. If I could go along with this joke...for one more time, we would be all right. It was a perverse way of thinking for him. Yet it was exactly what he wanted me to do.

So I did.

"Mykel, Victoria doesn't have any more secrets left."

I turned and began to walk out of the room. My back was facing him as I placed the dishes in the sink and started to run water to wash them.

"That's like saying Fredrick's isn't in Hollywood."

I felt a brief blow of breath on my ear and jumped lightly. He scared me when I heard his voice whispering in my ear. The water had covered his approaching footsteps just enough so that I didn't hear him. I don't know how he made it so fast to where I was without some kind of loud noise.

His arms circled my body and I turned in them. My lips found his quickly...brushing lightly over and over. I turned his head until I could cover his face with soft kisses.

"I love you Dani..." I heard him whisper low in his throat, "...and I promise you we will make it through this. We have to."

I didn't want to doubt him. He had never broken a promise to me yet.

I just hoped he could live up to the most important promise we’d ever made to one another. If he were to leave me behind living without him...I would never survive.

~@~

Time passed. There was nothing we could do but occupy our thoughts and days. We went hiking a lot until the days began to grow colder. After that we remained inside and played card games, board games, whatever we could do to make the time pass.

We made love like teenagers...everyday...sometimes even twice a day. It was only during those times that we could let everything go. We could release our bodies from the prison of the cabin and fly into a pleasure that only could be given and taken from each other. We never talked of the most important aspect. It wasn't for lack of trying on his part. It was my fault...I know that. I avoided the subject each time he brought it up. It was an instant reaction. There was truly no way to explain the deep intuition that told me not to discuss it. To just enjoy whatever time we had left. I didn't know how to tell him of my fears and doubts.

I think that was the beginning of the end. The moment I stopped opening up to him completely was the moment that this line began to form between our hearts. A line so thin that it almost didn't matter how little it was. My silence festered into a distance that can only be explained in time and essence. I can only blame myself.

We both knew about the thin line between us. The silent moments that remained between us becoming even more powerful over the months of confinement. I had nothing to turn away from anymore. Our silence would eventually draw us into that world we feared reappearing back into.

It never meant that I loved him any less. It didn't mean that what we had was not special. It only meant that our time was growing short...and I had no way of keeping what we had sacred. I didn't want to lose him...but knew in my heart it was inevitable.

I cried so many tears in the five months that we'd been hiding. I don't remember how many nightmares of the darkness came at night. I would wake up and he would hold me close...each time drawing my mind away and taking me to new heights of pleasure.

I was frightened when those dreams began to reoccur as the time went by. For the longest time he was the one that could drive them away. They had all but disappeared the entire time we were on the base at the beginning of our marriage.

But now they were coming back full fledged. They were coming even more frequent as the days passed us by.

Then there came a day that I knew we had to discuss the one conversation I avoided. I could feel it in every nerve in my body. They had found us and I knew we had to run. I don't know how they discovered our haven...I don't really care anymore. All I knew was that I needed him by my side. I needed him to remain there for what we were to face.

It was so hard for me to approach him that morning. I didn't want to step around the subject when I knew his life was on the line. I cared nothing about myself unless he was next to me. So it was with a tortured heart that I brought it up...so casually over breakfast.

"Mykel..."

My voice caught in my throat as I fought to find the right words. They were words that I knew would not be taken well on his side. The gap between us would see to that.

"I don't even know where to begin...I think..."

My head hung down avoiding his eyes as I spoke in a soft whisper.

"What's the matter Dani?" I could hear worry in his voice. The sound made me want to scream out in pain. I could only recall this feeling once before. The day that we lost his mother.

"Mykel..." My words were a bit stronger now. "They've found us. Don't ask me how...I just know. And I don't want to stay Mykel. I don't think we are strong enough to face them."

"Dani...don't think I'm turning your words back around on you here...but do you think that maybe you’re just being paranoid? Maybe the pressure of us being here for so long has gotten to you a little?"

"Damn it Mykel!"

I don't know where the high pitch in my voice appeared from. I was screaming and I didn't even realize I was going to do it. Once I started, I couldn't stop it.

"Listen to me! They are on their way! And when they get here you will die! Do you understand me? I'm not making this up!"

"Calm down..." He began to ramble for a moment. My outburst had shocked both of us.

"Calm down? Mykel..."

I pushed my chair back from the table harshly, knocking it over in the process. He jumped slightly when it hit the floor. His eyes spoke volumes to me at that point. I could see fear in them and that was nearly enough to knock me back into my senses.

Almost but not quite.

"I can't do this Mykel! I can't sit back and wait for them to attack us. I can't sit back and watch you die!"

That got his attention. He was up in a shot...his body hovering over my tiny frame.

"You can't sit back and watch me die? What the hell are you talking about Scully? Do you even **_know_** what it was to watch you go before me? Do you even know the **_struggle_** I had for nearly two months in a hospital after that damn car wreak? I couldn't live without you! I couldn't even think without you! It didn't matter that I stayed in that god damned coma the entire time! I can't do **_that_** again! I can't just drift in and out always wondering why they won't bring you to me. I can't...no, I **_won’t_** just let them come in and take you again. But I **_won't_** run again either. We need to face them! We need to survive long enough to get him...because even now, he has more power than we can ever imagine. It's high time he lost it and was sent straight back to hell!"

I stared at Mykel. He was talking almost complete nonsense to me for the entire rant. It took a moment for me to even process that he was speaking as if he was in another life. My mind was reeling...my heart pounding loudly in my chest. And that's when it hit me. He had called me Scully.

"Scully?"

I barely had time to whisper before the world went dark before my eyes. I heard a faint thud before I lost complete consciousness. Something was about to happen...and Mykel had joined me in this void.

We were about to learn the truth...at last.

~@~

I stood alone in a darkened room. I was terrified of what was about to happen...but I knew this was something I needed. This was the moment I had been dreading, but waiting for, my entire life.

It didn't matter until I realized I was completely alone in the dark. I turned until I was dizzy...my eyes searching for that light he always seemed to emit when we ended up here. I would know it the moment I saw it. I always knew. But it remained dark around me. I didn't see one shred of light and that alone was enough to make me scream. Each one echoing off walls I couldn't see. The whole effect was eerie and even more frightening. I shouted for him until my voice was nearly gone. It seemed like forever.

A soft noise behind me made me jump. My mind flashed back to all my dreams of darkness...drawing from the experience. I knew what that noise came from. I knew what they were going to say to me.

"Danielle? Is that you?"

"Mykel!"

I threw my body in the direction his voice had come from. It impacted his nearly knocking us both over. My hands traveled to his face in the darkness...covering each cheek with a soft caress until I was sure it was really him. I could feel his eyes shudder closed as I ran my fingers slowly over each of his eyebrows.

"Danielle? Why is it so dark? What happened?"

His voice was so scared...each word reverberating until the hollow tones of his fright were easily read by my ears.

"I can answer that question."

Mykel's body tensed at the voice that met us. He pushed me behind him in a protective gesture as the room slowly filled with light. I fought him slightly...my eyes demanding to know why he had suddenly become so defensive.

When I could finally see around the protection of Mykel's body I was surprised at what met my eyes. Standing before us was a man. He was tall, slightly bald, with a muscular frame. He was nowhere near the height of Mykel...but compared to me he looked like a giant. He had a fairly good body, but his stance as he stood before us was tense. I could see it from the distance Mykel had placed between us.

For some strange reason...the light that normally spanned from Mykel was now coming from this man. I puzzled over that the entire time they stared at one another. There was hatred in Mykel's eyes, something I could never recall seeing before. I waited...and it seemed like eternity in my mind. I was so confused by this point that I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know why Mykel hated this man so much that he would fear my life was in danger.

"Go away." Mykel's teeth remained clenched as he spoke.

"Mulder...look..." The man interrupted before Mykel could say anything else.

"I didn't tell them, Mulder. It was that **_bastard_** cancerman. He knew even before he died what you two would discover. He planned it **_all_** , using you two as pawns in his game of destruction. The men that completed that plan managed to destroy the world you left behind. Be glad you two were dead before it all came down."

The man stopped for a second and I saw his body shudder at his own words.

"I never want to see that type of suffering ever again."

Mykel remained in front of me...nearly blocking everything. Still, that man managed to catch my eyes. They pleaded and begged until I finally understood what he was asking for. He was pleading for forgiveness...for what I didn't know.

" ** _Go away_**! I **_don't_** want to have to tell you **_again_**. I don't think you're here to argue your point or try to set the record straight. They sent you for some other reason. And whether it be perverse or demonic, **_I don't give a damn_**. Just let us live in peace."

My arms circled him as he spoke in front of me. I felt his body relax against my touch.

I spoke in the tension filled air. My words surprised both of us.

"Mykel...he didn't do it. He had nothing to do with whatever you're talking about. I can feel it in the air around us. This man is good. I know because I can see the same light in him that often shines from you. I don't think anything evil would be permitted that."

My words were soft but still they echoed off the dark walls that surrounded us.

The man that stood across from us smiled lightly at me then turned back towards Mykel.

"Mulder...you know she's right. Otherwise you wouldn't have stayed this long. I do have something to explain...but not by myself. First I need to know that you trust me...that you trust my judgment. Otherwise **_this whole life_** will be utterly **_useless_** for **_both of you_**. You’ll just come back **_over and over_** to vanquish an evil that will continue to exist **_unless you do something about it_**. Do you **_really_** want her to suffer the **_same_** fate? Do you think you can do that to her **_willingly_**? Can you place her in that same tortured existence?"

His body tensed for a moment...then relaxed completely. I could feel the defeat escaping from him...pouring off him in waves.

"Fine. You **_know_** I **_can't_**. You know I didn't want to make her suffer **_in the first place_**."

"Is that **_why_** you demanded she be brought back with you? You **_knew_** the consequences Mulder. They warned you **_before_** you were reborn."

"I know damn it! Now just show us what you need to so we can get it over with!"

The anger of his words startled me. The entire conversation had me completely confused. I couldn't figure out why that man kept calling Mykel Mulder. But that was the least of my suspicions. I figured I was in another dream state. I had no idea the implications of what was about to be revealed to us.

"Ok Mulder...ok. Just go through that door."

The man raised his hand and pointed at an archway I was sure hadn't been there a moment before. Mykel grabbed my hand and began walking towards it without a second glance. We were nearly through the door when he froze in his tracks. He turned back towards the man and smiled, the action totally throwing me off balance.

"I'm sorry Skinner. I **_really_** am. I never should've taken this out on **_you_**. Please understand that and try to forgive me."

He saluted the man then pulled me hurriedly through the archway.

The moment we stepped through millions of images assaulted my senses. It was almost as if someone had opened a part of my mind...a part that was old and rusty with age. I saw visions of lifetimes that couldn't have been anything but something I had lived through.

It was so real. Mykel's hand was gripping mine tightly in its grasp but I was powerless to do anything but stand there. I could barely feel his presence beside me as it was. It was only through that connection of our hands that I knew he was still there.

The images were fast in my head...each one flashing so rapidly I could barely comprehend it before another started. I wanted to slow them down...to stop them...but it was impossible. There would be no way I could change what was now happening to me. I was beginning to see the whole picture for what it was.

Until one of the life images did slow down. I relived it all in my mind in slow motion...seeing my father and mother as they raised my sister, two brothers, and me. In this one vision I saw my world torn apart at the seams. I watched as I met Mykel...but his name was Mulder in that life. I watched as we chased from one scene to another. I discovered why I had such an intense distaste for hospitals...giving up a medical career for a life of chasing aliens. All of it to remain by his side. And through it all I remained silent in the onslaught.

I watched as evil stole my sister...as they took away my ability to bear children...as they killed everything we cared about around us. I watched until the moment we discovered the plans for the world we lived on...as we discovered our ability to get not only singed...but also deeply burnt from the inside out because of a truth we refused to give up searching for.

It was only as I begin to relive our death...to see everything they chose to do to us in order to carry on their plans...that I began to cry out. I screamed for Mulder...my mouth opening and placing forth piercing cries of injustice and betrayal. I saw my soul lifting away from him...leaving him to wander until he could join me. It would be months...but I knew he would come eventually.

Then I was surrounded in darkness. My dream coming back to mind...only now etched so deeply with reality I realized it couldn't be anything but what I saw. It was more detailed as I sat day-by-day and cried for what I lost.

Then just as suddenly as it all started...it ended. But that was only my perception at the time. I had assumed that just because I was no longer being assaulted with images that the whole ordeal was over. It was only after I saw him kneeling at their feet, that I realized I had switched minds. I was seeing why he had not followed me until later. A solid month of discussion passing between the time I was reborn and the time he had followed me.

The room was brightly lit around us...and yet not so bright that I had to squint at the light. There were four shimmering shapes sitting in chairs, each one with barely visible faces. They stared at him lovingly...almost protectively.

I watched it all with such a sense of detachment. I knew why I felt so distanced...this was not a time I had lived through. This was their way of showing me why we were sent back again. I would not be able to interact with any of them...including Mulder.

"My son...are you sure you understand the specifications of what you will both be put through if you choose to go back this time?" The voices were soft, seemingly coming from everywhere around me.

"Yes...I am sure." I heard Mulder whisper lightly. "But I cannot survive without her. Even in this perceived version of Heaven. My soul would die without hers. Surely you must know that by now."

"We know my child. We have every time we've sent you back. We just worry that one of these times you will not find her. Then your efforts would be pointless. With every life she lives, she loses even more of what you have with her. She doubts her reasons for living and wanting to exist without you. We don't wish to lose both of your souls."

"We will not fail you this time. I will find her and we will destroy the evil with our hands instead of allowing someone else to." Mulder paused and glanced up towards the figures in the chairs. "I will not lose her soul. I promise you that."

"Ok child. We will allow you passage. The situation will be the same as always. You will not know or remember any of this. Not until the time is right. As before you will find out before she does. But **_do not_** allow that to affect your judgment. You must let her discover it for herself...in her own time."

"I promise. I will not lose her. She is the very essence of my own soul. She is my constant...my touchstone in every life." The words were a whisper on the air.

~@~

I gasped my eyes flying open. We were in the cabin again...but this time I saw it all differently. I could never again call him Mykel...he would be Mulder from this day forward. It was only in that life that we had actually come close to the real names we had been given the moment our souls were created.

I was still lying on the floor when I felt it. His hand was gripping mine tightly...each finger so tense it would be bound to leave bruises on my wrist.

He rolled over on top of me after a few moments. His body draping over every inch of mine...his lips finding every place on my face and brushing lightly.

"I'm so sorry Scully. I never meant to cause this. It truly is my fault that you have suffered." Each word was broken by the harsh sobs that echoed from his chest, and the soft brush of his lips over my skin. "I **_could've_** let you go last time...they would've let me. They offered to let you be in peace and wait. But my heart and soul wouldn't let me release you. Please, please say you understand."

I felt the tears coursing down my cheeks...each one in sync with his. I wanted to scream...to cry out...but I didn't. Instead I circled him in my arms and held him tight against me. I would forgive him. I had no choice. He must have harbored doubts...because he should've known that I cared just as much for him as he did for me. He was everything to me...in life and death. I could no more die without him...then live without him.

If this was our fate...then this was what we would forever be condemned to.

~@~

My discovery of our lives was nearly two weeks ago. Tonight we watched that sunset...the sunset that would remain etched on every lifetime I would ever live. It would be my proof if we failed this time...my proof in case he decided to give up in our next life.

He never did explain how or when he found out the truth about us. In the end it became another way to trust in him...in his judgment. I could stay by him without another question...as long as we survived what was to become of us.

I knew in my heart it would be our final sunset together. Still, I couldn't tell him. I couldn't destroy what would be our final moments alone. I had no idea who was to be taken first this time. I only knew that I couldn't give up as easily as I would have before that revelation. I couldn't walk away from this fight we would now have to face.

And I knew without a doubt that this fight would begin in the morning. I feared it...but knew I couldn't run. That we couldn't run unless we were sure that the evil in this life was truly vanquished.

I dreaded the sunrise.

~@~


	10. Part X: The Beginning of The End

I think there comes a time when simple words will never be enough. You have said everything you can to reassure the one you love...but when it comes down to it you are still nearly obsessed with how easy it was to lose track of your goals in life.

It all seemed simple when we were younger...so easy.

We had a plan...it was all worked out. Then somewhere along the way, we lost track of our goals. Despite everything we had accomplished it was all worthless when you came down to the actual meanings and euphemisms. There had been no childhood with dreams of our future. No hopes for our lives.

I may have dreamed of children and Mykel by my side...but instead I lost our one child and learned the truth behind who we really were. It's near devastating and debilitating the way things can quickly turn against you. I guess I had always assumed that my life would just fall neatly into place at some point. I assumed that everything would make sense and become clearer as I grew older.

 _I was wrong_.

It took so long for me to find out that things like this don't happen. That in assuming these things I wasn't seeing what was right in front of me the entire time. I learned the hard way what assuming meant and stood for. It was the embodiment of lies and distrust. Once captured and swallowed in assumption you were unable to escape unless allowed to leave by those that held you in their grasps.

If only I hadn't found out too late. If only I hadn't done some of the things I had done to get us so far ahead of the game. Maybe then I would be able to face him...to tell him my fears and yes, what little hope I did still have.

It took so long for me to discover this...so long to see the error of my ways. And by the time I was finally able to see this, it had almost become too late to mention. I almost let the chance slip by.

On that night together, as we readied ourselves for bed, I finally found the courage. I was able to open what had been locked up and held tight for no one to see...even him.

"Mulder..." My voice was gravelly as I sputtered his name from my lips. I cleared my throat before attempting again.

"Mulder...I love you."

I glanced up and my eyes locked tightly on his. He was staring at me in puzzlement, almost as if he had never seen me before. It took me a moment before I realized why. My voice, that had seemed so monotonous in the past six months, was suddenly full of emotion. He knew because he could hear it...in every word I spoke.

I was in his arms within moments. I still don't know who approached first...or if we had just met each other halfway. All I knew was that I felt like I had finally come home after being gone for a very long time. In his arms I finally found hope for us. I didn't have to say a word. By this point they had become nearly useless anyway.

I think that was the first time that I truly understood what I had put him through in the past six months. I could feel that line between us snap...the thread pulled so taunt that it finally gave way and allowed me to just visualize everything clearly. My arms gripped his body tighter to me as the distance between us disappeared.

His body shook in my arms...but I knew he wasn't crying. It was more of a tremble then a sob. He could feel the distance between us fade. I knew he could tell the exact moment it was gone. He pulled away slightly and pushed me to our bed. Curling up next to my body...and pulling me tighter as we lay there in there in the soft light of the room.

"I love you Scully. More than anything...I can't even begin to..."

My fingers found his lips and covered them softly. I just wanted to lay there and tell him what I was thinking...everything I'd held back from him in the past. I knew what he wanted to say. I would give him a chance later.

The words came out in a tumble after that. So many emotions and thoughts that poured forth from my endless stream of consciousness...things I finally found the voice to speak with. Every time I thought I was nearing an end...I would find something new that I had forgotten to tell him. Something that I had failed to tell him over all the years I loved him.

We were there for hours. Our bodies growing weary...my voice growing hoarse with everything I had forgotten to say to him. There were so many things I began to apologize for...everything I knew at one point was solely up to me. Things I could've changed.

It was only as I began to apologize for all the times I thought I could've made him smile and didn't, that he interrupted me.

"Scully, I'm sorry for the smiles we missed. I think most of them were my fault anyway. I can't blame you for that. I never have. This has all been more than I could ever hope for. I can't remember how many times I did something, or said something for that matter, that I regretted moments later. Yet I always walked away instead of stopping and telling you that I didn't mean it. I was always so anxious to be right that I chose to ignore your pain in those moments. I guess I just got..."

He stopped for a moment, turning his head away than back to me. He flashed a brief smile at me before continuing.

"I got...sick of always wondering if maybe you were right and that I should doubt my own beliefs. I can actually remember thinking that I would never forgive you for not agreeing with me right away. Then I would think about everything you meant to me, and how much I respected you for what you knew and trusted. At that moment, I would hate myself for all the things I'd said or done to you in times of anger. I couldn't do anything but focus on that pain I had caused you."

My voice was soft as I spoke to him.

"You always did have a tendency to blame yourself for everything Mulder. I could never turn you away from that way of thinking."

He chuckled at my words...the laughter rumbling across his chest and across my body.

"That is one area that you probably could never change. Don't you remember that Christmas Eve at the haunted house? Maurice and...what was her name again?"

"Lydia." I smiled at the memory of our past life.

"Yes...Lydia. In a haunted house on Christmas Eve, we were given a glimpse of things that we refused to admit. All I could do was think of how much I had screwed up with you that night. Especially after you shot me."

"I didn't shoot you!"

We were both laughing by now. The memory coming back fully fledged in our minds. He smiled down at me insufferably. My fingers crawled to his sides and begin to dig in...making him jump.

"Say it Mulder...come on say it!"

"Ok Scully...ok. You didn't shoot me."

He stopped jumping around and pulled me close to his body again.

"But I still remember thinking that I deserved it for everything I'd done to you."

"Oh Mulder, if only I could tell you. If only I could form the right words to tell you how much you mean to me. It just seems like I can never express exactly what it is that I want to say."

His arms tightened and pulled me even closer than before. We lay there in terse silence for a few more minutes until he finally broke it with his next words.

"You have to admit Scully. We definitely had some great times. If only our timing had been better. Maybe we could've looked past all the avoidance and fears to see the real reason behind all of this."

He moved away and sat up as I tried to comprehend his words. He glanced towards our clock and I could feel it through the bed as he tensed for a brief moment.

"What's the matter?"

His eyes turned towards mine and locked instantly.

"Nothing Scully...I just..."

He paused and drew in a deep breath.

"Merry Christmas Scully."

My eyes flew to the clock on our nightstand. It was nearly one in the morning and he was right. It was Christmas. I turned back towards him hesitatingly.

"Merry Christmas Mulder."

I crawled into his lap and threw my arms around his neck.

"I do love you. More than anything in this or any other world."

As I lay curled in his lap, I tried to concentrate on the feel of his body next to mine. I tried to forget that we were hiding out in a cabin in the middle of the woods. I wanted this to be my old apartment. A place that we had not only loved being at...but also where we had almost hit perfection. That time that was held so deeply in my heart as true happiness. Despite how happy I was to just be near him now...I still wanted that time back. 

I couldn't do it. There were too many things affecting the success of my fantasy world. Too many emotions invaded my mind and infected my being to remain in the past. I sighed heavily at my thoughts.

"What?"

I glanced up...the sound of his voice rumbling through his chest. He was smiling down at me with such affection. It was something I was sure that he was unaware of. When I didn't answer him right away he leaned over and brushed a light kiss over my forehead. I felt the softness of his lips as they cascaded lightly over my skin and sighed again...this time with contentment.

"Now that was a completely different sigh than the first. I know what that one meant...but what about the first?"

He was lingering against my forehead. I felt his breath blow across my temple as he spoke.

"Mulder...do you remember the first time we made love? Not in this life...but the very first time?"

His arms circled me protectively...if only they were enough for the coming days.

"I do Scully...but only vaguely. That was so many lifetimes ago."

I pulled my arms out from under his and drew my hands to his face. Cupping his chin I brought his face down to mine for a brief kiss. I pulled away and rested my forehead on his...closing my eyes tightly at the sensation.

"Not that time. I'm not talking about from any of our lifetimes. I mean the **_FIRST_** time. Do you remember?"

The words were a mere whisper as they fell from my lips.

He froze in my arms...his face covered in confusion. He was so still...almost as if his mind had completely left his body and what held me now was just an empty husk. It took nearly five minutes to understand. I stared at his face the entire time, not sure if I had ineptly pushed him over some unknown edge.

"I do..." He sounded shocked at the revelation.

"I mean, I remember light and energy merging in darkness. It overcame every speck of darkness where we were...even the shadows. I remember before it happened. My soul was so lost. It seemed to always be searching for something...anything to move on. And then it spotted yours."

He pulled away and locked his eyes onto mine.

"Your soul was so bright...so entrancing. And the energy that radiated from it was just amazing. My soul was in such awe..."

He paused, his face showing a mixture of confusion and amazement.

"You know I always wondered why...when we had those dreams. Every single one that we were together in...your body shone with such light and energy. It lit the entire room each time."

"My body?"

I stared at him...my eyes slipping shut for a moment then reopening to focus on his.

"Whenever we were there...it was always you that gave off light...and energy, now that I think of it. I was always alone in darkness until you appeared."

"Darkness? **_Every single time_** I came up to you it was so bright I nearly had to close my eyes." He paused a look of concentration on his face.

"Why do you suppose they made it so we couldn't see the goodness inside ourselves? I mean that has to be what that light and energy are."

After everything we had done tonight my eyes were growing weary. I was trying to concentrate on what he was saying...but I was failing miserably. I could understand where he was going with it...and why he wanted to discuss it. But I couldn't understand why I was so tired. The only thing I could think of was the stress level I'd been at all day.

"I don't know Mulder...I really don't." They were the last words I spoke as I drifted off to sleep in his arms. It was so empowering to feel his protection over me.

~@~

I woke up around seven in the morning. The sun was peeking over the horizon and filling the room with light from the early dawn. I could smell the forest through our open bedroom window. The pine trees as they swayed in the morning breeze...the dew that gathered on the grass and leaves...the smell of burning wood and metal.

My body shot out of bed at the last one. I glanced around frantically searching out for Mulder. He wasn't in bed with me...he wasn't even in our room. My hands trembled as I flung the bed sheets aside and pulled on my shoes. I was still dressed from the previous day. The smell of burning wood and metal was so strong it made me want to cough, but I withheld every natural urge to do so.

I ran to our bedroom door gasping for every breath of air that I could. I was nearly there when I heard him cry out my name from the other side. My hand grasped the handle firmly but refused to cooperate with my mind. I knew without a doubt what lay behind that door.

He had come. We were facing the evil we had avoided for so long.

" ** _SCULLY_**!" The sound of his voice calling out again knocked me out of my stupor. I twisted the knob harshly and swung the door open, revealing a scene out my worst nightmare.

Mulder was standing with a gun to Cancerman. I knew it was him. He had the same beady eyes...and the same evil element that had surrounded him in every life we'd faced him. It took me a moment to realize that he was holding a gun as well. It was pointed directly at Mulder...the cold steel reflecting from the windows the sun had access to. My heart sped up at the sight of it. There we no presumptions in my mind that he was in control, I saw the way Mulder was looking at him. It was a look of murder...something I had never seen in his eyes before.

I was terrified.

"So Mulder...here we are again. Another cozy meeting of minds."

He pulled his gun away from Mulder and reached into his pocket. The action startled me until I saw why he had done so. An unlit cigarette was hanging from the corner of his mouth. There was a brief flash of flame as he flicked a lighter and inhaled from it.

"Tell me Mulder. How many times will you point a gun at me and fail to pull the trigger. It has got to be at least a thousand over all the years. Are we going for a thousand and one?"

Mulder was edging closer to me with every word Cancerman spoke. He was nearly by my side when I realized why he was so anxious to get there. My eyes shot towards the gun that was lying at my feet.

"Pick it up Scully!" The words were a hiss in my ear. He was now standing next to me, the gun still trained at the evil before us.

I felt like a robot as I crouched down and raised the gun to the man before us. He didn't move...didn't even flinch. Instead, he inhaled deeply from the cigarette again and smiled lightly.

It was at that moment that I saw him for what he truly was. He was the embodiment of evil. A demon of the worst nightmares and dreams a person can have...the epitome of everything that can go wrong in the span of a lifetime. I loathed and detested everything about him. From the way he moved to the sound of his voice.

"Ah Scully, you wouldn't harm an innocent old man would you?"

I scoffed at his words. But he continued anyway.

"You know you've lost, don't you? You have nowhere left to run and hide. I pity the way you mere mortals demand so much time and attention."

He crouched down on the floor in front of us. His face turned up to us as he kept speaking.

"Why couldn't you two just accept your fate and stay in that house? You could've saved yourself the heartache of watching each other die. It would've been so quick and nearly painless."

He paused for a moment, a look of discontent crossing his features.

"Tell me...when did you find out? Was it before or after you ran, that you discovered your real personalities? It was after wasn't it?"

He shook his head and stared at us for a moment.

"Yes, it had to be. You wouldn't have behaved the way you did at the store that day if you had known. You reacted more possessed then with knowledge. There is a difference you know."

Mulder grimaced, his eyes remaining locked on the man before us. I was shocked when I heard him speak beside me.

"Knowledge isn't the power you think it is. Neither is your _'Projects'_ you've had over every life. What made you think you could control us in this life the same way you did in every other one."

"Ah, the prodigal son speaks." He turned away from me to look at Mulder.

"You have no idea the power that can be possessed. There was nothing to it. It is all right there, if only you are willing to submit. You could've made life so much easier on both of yourselves. I could've sent you to a world where the two of you have children...many of them. You could've had your choice. You could've taken one and it would've been yours."

He sighed...almost convincingly.

"But you refused to submit Mulder. Because of you, she..." he gestured towards me with the hand not holding the cigarette, "...will never know the joy of motherhood."

I felt a knot begin to form in the pit of my stomach. He couldn't possibly be suggesting what I thought he was. The very idea of stealing someone's child made me nauseous. Even if it was my soul that possessed that person, there was no way I could've accepted it. I was about to say as much when Mulder spoke again.

"What the hell are you talking about? We didn't have that option! For one thing, that device you built only goes to one other dimension. For another...we couldn't do that. Ripping a child from her arms, even in another dimension, would be like hurting her. Even if it wasn't my Scully...it would've devastated her." Mulder was growing angrier with every word he spoke.

"Still lost in your dilutions, aren't we Mulder. Tell me one thing. Why the hell would I build the thing if it only led to that dimension? You have no idea the power in one simple machine. You left before you could do any research on it."

Cancerman took one last drag off the cigarette, and then flicked it out the partially open doorway.

"How many times did I tell you to reach deeper...to raise your expectations. Still you fought against me. Even long before you went back to get her you were fighting against me. Why is that Mulder? Was it because deep down a part of you just knew?"

He stopped talking, understanding covering his features.

"No it's because you already knew, didn't you? You knew who you were and who she was. You knew your mission was to destroy me. When could you have possibly found out?"

If he was trying to shock us, it wasn't working. In everything that we had talked about...after all the visions...I knew what was being said was true. That was the way it was supposed to be. I didn't care how or when he had found out about us. The only thing that mattered was that we knew the _**Truth**_. It was over...we were no longer able to hide from the madness and evil behind this man’s eyes.

What I didn't know was his plan. The one thing I hated more than evil itself, was not knowing what was going on. He was still kneeling before us...only now he looked like he had just discovered a gold mine. There was something not quite right about the glint behind his eyes. 

"I understand."

He was staring at Mulder again...this time with more renewed faith in his own words. I could tell he thought he was winning the game. It was written on his face, in the malevolent way he was smiling.

"You still haven't told her, have you?"

He watched Mulder's face carefully. I don't know what he was looking for, but he must have seen it.

"You lied to her? I would've thought you had told her everything."

Mulder glanced at me slightly then turned his attention back to the man in front of us. My anger grew as I realized I was only getting more and more confused by the moment. I couldn't figure out exactly what he was talking about.

"I didn't tell her, because I knew I couldn't hurt her like that. I couldn't...I just couldn't bear..."

I was stunned at the sound of his voice. It was so soft and full of pain. I wanted to cry out at the thought of what he was going through. Even though I didn't know what was going on, I still felt as if we were beginning to lose. Mulder was submitting himself to the self-torture I knew he harbored in his heart.

"You couldn't tell her because you didn't want to see her in pain." Sarcasm...it was enough to make my blood boil in my veins. Who the hell did he think he was?

"Aw...how sweet. There's only one problem with your logic Mulder. She can't trust you if she doesn't know the truth. Can she?"

Mulder straightened beside me. His body went rigid with the posture of a man renewed. His faith in me...I knew it was the only thing he could depend on. It never mattered what he had or hadn't told me. This was our fight against darkness. It was our chance to end the suffering our each life we lived through.

"So tell her then. You seem so anxious to get it over with. Let her know exactly what you think happened."

Yes that was the voice I knew well. Mulder was no longer playing a victim to this man’s game.

A shot of unsurety crawled across Cancerman's face.

"You want me to tell her that your wife and child are dead? That you had nothing left when you went to find her? That the only reason you did leave to find her was because you didn't know who else to turn to? Isn't that something you think you should explain?"

"You seem to think you know it so well. I thought maybe you would turn it around. Thank you for proving my theory right."

Mulder glanced towards me again but kept his attention to the front. It was only after a few more moments that he began to speak to me. It took me a moment to realize I was the one he wanted to explain it to.

"They died two years before I came to get you Scully. We had already split up by the time it happened. That Bastard..." He pointed the gun more forcefully towards Cancerman, "...he was the one who executed the entire thing. It took me a long time to find that out...and by that stage, I had just enough time to save you from the same fate. I found out the day that we ran."

"Mulder...why didn't you tell me?" I turned towards him now, the gun I held was lowered. I was confused...but I also knew I still had faith in him as well.

"I was in so much pain Scully. There never seemed to be a right time to tell you. Even when I came back to get you...I wanted to make sure that you would come with me. I knew if I told you that, then you only would've felt sorry for me. I needed to make sure you still loved me for who I was. Not out of pity."

I stepped closer to Mulder, my hand reaching out to caress his cheek.

"I would've never done that Mulder. I've loved you for longer than I could remember."

I stepped even closer so that our bodies were nearly touching. My feet arched upward just long enough to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I'm so sorry Mulder. For everything."

I was shocked when he nudged me harshly away from his body. I almost started yelling when I heard the sound of a gun cocking behind me. I turned slowly to find the barrel pointed in my direction.

"So here we are again Mulder. I point my gun at her...and you point yours at me. I will ask you once more. How many times do you plan to hold a gun to me and fail to pull the trigger?"

Rage erupted through my body as he spoke to us with a condescending tone. I knew Mulder had to be calculating the odds of his firing the gun and me not getting hit by one of the bullets from the other one as a reflexive action made that man squeeze the trigger.

I was watching Mulder...I could tell he was debating something. I just wasn't quite sure exactly what it was. But I knew the moment he made a decision. His face set harshly back into the fire of murder I had seen when I first walked out of our bedroom. His voice was deep, almost unrecognizable, as he spoke his next words.

"This will be the last time demon. I can guarantee that."

The world exploded in bright flashes of light from the muzzle of his gun. I could smell the gunpowder in the air as it burst from the tunnel and made its way towards an evil that would never be defined quite right with words.

Everything happened with such a blur after that. One moment I was standing there watching a finger, of a man intent on killing me, squeeze the trigger of a gun. I barely saw the flash of light before something crashed into me. I heard a scream...and a deep shout of pain coming from somewhere.

My head hit the floor as I went down with something heavy on top of me. I blacked out almost instantly.

~@~

I don't know how long I lay unconscious. When I opened my eyes, I was greeted with a fog of smoke covering the ceiling. It hung heavily overhead...gray and thick with poisons and toxins. I turned my head back and forth, searching out Mulder. I sighed when I realized he was lying on his back right next to me.

I could tell the smoke wasn't quite thick enough to settle down yet. Still the site of it frightened me. Where there was smoke...then was more than likely fire. I heard a pain filled chuckle come from somewhere across the room and nearly leaped next to Mulder in order to defend him. When I leaned over and checked him, I could tell he was still breathing. It was slightly labored...but nevertheless, he was alive. When I was secure in that fact I went in search of the other man I knew was in the cabin with us.

He was lying on the floor, a pool of crimson blood surrounding his entire body. Mulder had shot him three times in the chest before throwing himself in front of me. 

"You two never were ones for listening to what's in your best interest." Every word he spoke was garbled and sounded full of fluid.

I crouched near him and drew the gun from his hand. He fought me for a moment...but only until the weakness from his injuries kicked in.

"You know...I always wondered what it was about the two of you that was so damn special. I could never figure it out. It was like the two of you had the worst fate set upon you when you were created."

He was gasping for breath now. I felt no sympathy at all. This man had nothing on me...and nothing to gain even now.

"I could've made it so much better for the both of you. But...you always fought me so valiantly."

"You wanted us to submit to you. It was something we would never do. We knew that you were a source of evil." The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I was going to speak them.

I jumped away from Cancerman the moment I heard Mulder groan behind me. I ran over to him...my heart in my chest. I had believed he was unhurt, but from the sounds he was making I knew I had missed something. When I reached him I knew something wasn't quite right. He was extremely pale, his breathing even more labored then it was when I had walked away.

"Scully...help me onto the couch." He grabbed at my arm in an attempt to pull himself up and I knew where the cry of pain had come from. My arm circled his waist as I struggled to help him move. When he was safely nestled on the couch I pulled my arm out from under him...to find it covered with blood.

"Mulder...where..."

His body wavered in front of me as I struggled against the tears that were beginning to fall from my eyes.

"Turn over Mulder!"

He struggled against my hands that fought to move him. After a moment he gave in and let me roll him slightly. It was just enough to see that he had been hit twice. Blood was still pouring from each one. It was extremely thick...and I knew that was a bad sign.

"Scully..." He was fighting the pain I knew had to be wracking his body.

"You have to get out of here. You need to finish our story. You need to make sure everyone knows what is happening."

"I'm not leaving Mulder!" Panic etched every word I spoke. I wouldn't leave him here...I couldn't.

"You **_have_** to Scully. I made arrangement with Melissa. She was the only person I told that we were still alive. They didn't..." He coughed...blood beginning to trickle slowly from his lips.

"They never knew about her. I don't know how or why...but it's the only safe place you can go."

"I'm not leaving."

I was trying everything I could to stand up to him. The determined look on my face must have spurred something deep inside him, because he wasn't letting me get away with it. He refused to let me die with him. His hands reached for his back pocket. He winced in pain and I reached for him.

"No." He tried again...this time the pain masked better on his face. When he finally reached his target he pulled out a disk.

"Here. It's our story...or what you have written of it so far. You have to finish it Scully. You have to promise me..." He coughed again and I tried to help him. His arm pushed me away harshly. " ** _Promise_** me that you will make it through this. That you'll finish this story. **_Please_** Scully."

There was nothing I could do. I had to promise him. He wouldn't listen to my pleas or demands. I was to leave...and not look back. I don't know how he expected me to do it without him, but he expected it nonetheless.

"I promise Mulder."

My body was numb. I couldn't do this.

"I have faith in you Scully. Remember that. And always remember that I love you..."

His eyes glazed over slightly and I knew he was gone. I screamed in pain...in frustration. He couldn't be dead. He just couldn't!

I know my rage drove me to what I did next. It was almost as if I was possessed and had no control over my body. I walked away from Mulder's body and towards the man that was still lying on the floor. Despite the fact that he had seemed worse than Mulder before, he was still breathing. My rage was so far gone at this point. It was not right to have lost Mulder when this man lay in front of me and was likely to live if he made it out.

I raised the gun that I was still holding in my hand. I had forgotten that I was even holding it until that point. He opened his eyes just before I squeezed the trigger. For the first time I saw a fear that had never been there before. He knew he was going to hell...and this time he was going for sure. There were no presumptions in his eyes.

Just cold-blooded fear.

The bullet impacted his head and I turned away from him. I didn't care about anything anymore. The room was growing thicker and thicker with smoke and toxins. I knew I had to leave if I was going to keep my promise to Mulder. If the pain didn't kill me then the fire and smoke certainly would. I walked back towards Mulder body and laid a soft kiss on his forehead. My words came out as a whisper...hoping he could hear them as he waited for me beyond this life.

"I love you Mulder."

When I walked out the front door I saw the cause of the fire. A crisply burnt cigarette butt was near the edge of the cabin. It had landed on dead weeds and part of the wood frame of the cabin. Mulder had cleared the snow away from the edges of the doors the day before.

I was amazed the fire hadn't taken over the entire cabin by that point. Instead it was centered in the area of one wall. Flames were leaping up and flickering towards what would have been a beautiful sky, had it not been so dismal inside my heart.

There was no one around. It took me a few moments to realize I could walk away safely. When Cancerman had come, he hadn't brought anyone with him. It made me wonder if he was the only one who had known we were still alive. It was my only theory...but also another thing I stopped caring about.

I made my way away from the cabin...stumbling into the woods. I fought the trees and bushes in my way. I didn't care about the scratches or thistles that got stuck in my hands.

When I was about fifteen yards away I turned back towards the cabin. The flames had finally begun to overtake everything in their path. They had consumed nearly half the outside wall. I could hear the loud noises of the structure giving away at the torment that ravaged the tiny haven. I made no noises when the roof crashed down on my one reason to live. My voice was seemingly gone...my heart completely broken.

I stood there for a few more minutes before I realized how lightheaded I felt. White stars were interrupting my vision. Shock had completely overtaken my body now.

"I think I'm going to pass out now." I said to no one as the world swam and eventually turned black.

~@~

I awoke to a noise sometime later in the evening. Glancing towards the cabin, I let out a sharp breath. It was nothing but a pile of rubble now. Smoke curled from every part of the structure. I gave slight thanks that the area around the cabin was covered with snow. The fire had slowed down and eventually diminished over the hours I was asleep. There was no doubt in my mind that if it had kept burning; I would've died as well.

I was still sitting there staring at the cabin when I heard the noise that had originally awoken me from my sleep. I turned towards the forest that surrounded me. My eyes locked on another set. They were small and very dark. I didn't know whether to sit there or run away.

When the eyes began to move towards me I backed up quickly. The animal came into my view and I gasped at the beauty of such a simple creature. It sat down right at my feet and stared almost quizzically at me.

It was a fox...deep red and bright white covered its body. I stared at it for several minutes...wondering exactly why it was just sitting in front of me. When I didn't move away again, it edged even closer to me.

I remained where I was. If the creature was going to attack me then I knew it would've done it by now. It had plenty of opportunity as I had slept in my shocked stupor.

My hands were lying limply in my lap. The fox whimpered and nudged against one with its snout. I was staring down at it in confusion.

It whimpered again...but this time instead of nudging my hand, it gripped it gently between its teeth. By the time I stood up it was tugging gently on my arm. It took a moment for me to realize it was pulling me away from the ruins of the cabin. As soon as I began to walk it let go of me.

I turned back towards the cabin one last time before it disappeared from my view. I felt tears as they welled up in my eyes...but refused to submit to them. I could no longer afford to cry. There was too much I yet to accomplish before I could truly let go of my emotions and myself.

I don't know why I followed the fox. Something deep inside had begun to tell me that this was the right thing to do. If I followed this creature then I would be all right. I would live through the ordeal and make it through the pain. It was only after we came upon the car that we had hidden six months before that I truly understood. Mulder had come out every month to make sure it still worked. He wanted to be prepared in case we had to run again. I smiled at the memory then frowned when I realized it was not as we had pictured it would be. Instead of his comforting presence...I was all alone.

I didn't stop to dwell in the fantasy. For some strange reason I knew I didn't have the time to wait. I had to get to Melissa's house before the world discovered the ruins of a cabin deep in the woods. If I were still around, there would be questions and only more evil to face. It was by no means the only inhabitance in the woods. Someone had to have seen the smoke.

I got into the car hesitatingly. My eyes were drawn back to the fox that had led my way so far. It was waiting patiently, its eyes locked on my every movement. As I sat there in the car I reached my hand down and it came running towards it. My fingers twisted through the soft fur that covered its body...each strand feeling very much like silk. There was something about this fox that seemed out of the ordinary. I tried not to concentrate too much on the fact...lest I go insane completely. It was only after I slammed the car door and began to pull away that I saw it.

The eyes of the fox were shining brightly with light. The entire creature was almost glowing in the darkness. As quickly as I had seen it...it disappeared. The fox turned and walked quietly back into the forest.

I drove away from everything then. As the car headed towards Melissa's house I formed a plan in my mind. It was anyone's guess, including mine, at how I would survive the pain that filled my entire body.

I could only try.

~@~


	11. Epilogue

I'd like to believe...  
  
That our lives were not worthless...  
That we made the right choices...  
That we chose the right path...  
  
I need to believe...  
  
That his soul does live on...  
That his heart remained pure...  
That his love didn't leave him...  
That he held onto his faith....  
  
I want to believe...  
  
That our hopes for the future...were not just a dream.  
That he died for the right reasons...instead of the wrong.  
That his faith and his truth...will remain with me.  
That nothing will harm us...EVER AGAIN.

I'd like, I need, I want. How often do we speak these words when it counts the most?

Never...I can't believe anymore. I just can't.

I can only see the bleak and weary dreams of a love stolen. There are no dilutions on my part. I can see what was to become of our future and past. One of us had to remain...one of us had to survive.

I want to wake up with him next to me...to feel his warmth surrounding every part of my body. I need to hear the sound of his voice as it whispers and blows a gentle breath across my ear. I want to continue...

But all that's left is me. I'm all that remains of a **Truth** and **Faith** that no one else quite understood. I am the sole beneficiary of a life plagued with hatred and lies.

For the longest time I refused to cry. I refused to submit myself to the pain that I knew was killing me inside. It took me nearly five months to write about his death. I couldn't get past the parts...the pain would grow so extreme that if I looked at my own words I would want to tear apart everything around me.

It was only when I went to watch my family from afar that I let the tears fall. I saw how much my nieces and nephews had grown in such a short time and the tears couldn't be contained. I had to slip away when my mother glanced my way. She could never know I was alive. I fear it would still put her in danger.

Melissa was the only thing that kept me sane over that time. She accepted me inside her home...knowing the danger that my life posed over everything around me. She has promised to send in my last story for me...should anything happen.

If only she knew the depths of that promise. She would never know my reasons for having her make that promise. At least not until she reads the story. Then, and only then, will she truly understand.

At least, I can only hope she understands.

In this life, that I knew Mulder, he promised me many things. He promised that we would be married one day…he promised that he would always be there for me.

But he didn't keep his most important promise. It was the promise that I cherished and fought for him to stay most in tune with…the promise that I would never have to live without him by my side.

In the days since he died in my arms…I have done nothing but wander. I roamed around from place to place. Visiting everywhere that brought forth good memories of what we had together. I only wanted to feel him near.

I walk now, down an old dirt path that led to an apartment I once lived in. It is torn down to make way for bigger and better things. For a future that holds no appeal. I can only live in my memories of our time in that apartment…of a daughter we wanted and lost. Of a love that seemed endless and forever deep.

The evil that we ran from for so very long is dead. This time it has no redemption coming. There will be no way for the demon we had so foolishly called the Cancerman in our last lives, to ever be free of his sentence in hell.

This gives me hope for the future. Not this future that no longer exists…but the one that I know will come in our next life. Or maybe in a higher plane of existence…where pain no longer exists. Only love and memories to keep us safe and warm in each other's arms.

I know now…after writing this out...that so much is left behind. My stories of past, present, and a future I so very much wanted, have brought me to tears and laughter in just letting it out. I fear the past in many ways. But no regrets ever flit through my brain anymore. To regret my past would be to regret who I am now. And that in itself, is enough to drive a sane person mad.

For those of you who knew this story…who lived it in their minds and hearts, I am grateful. For those of you who failed to understand…I wish you everything in love and heartache. For what is life without those two emotions? I know that my heart has pain of loss. It is a loss so deep that I fear nothing will fill it.

Unless he comes back to me.

I can't fall asleep anymore. I know that's not saying much considering the way I have always slept…but this is different. This is just the longing for a love that is gone. I am sucked into the chasm of hurt and pain. A black hole so deep that I know I am soon to follow him. His death was not in my plans. His heart and life were to remain by my side…no matter what the opposition.

But what is death? I know that it is not the end of everything. It is not what I always wanted to believe in. I wanted the end of a story…I wanted to finish it all.

I wanted to take my life and lay down beside him. I can't remain alone forever. He is my soul and my reason for existence. Even if it took his life to save mine, I cannot wait to see him. I cannot stay in this realm of being without him.

So tonight, I ask of your forgiveness. I ask of God’s forgiveness…and most of all, Mulder's forgiveness. For he would never understand this pain I go through. He would never understand what I now know of death. 

_Death is only temporary_.

_Death can kill a person and take your love…leaving nothing but bitterness and walls to be breached._

_Death will turn you away…taking only those you care about._

Thus tonight, I will teach Death a lesson. Tonight I will close my eyes…only to open them and gaze deeply into Mulder's eyes. I will teach Death that there are still lessons to be learned. That not everything ends with a black robe and scythe…not everything has to be done a certain way. I will cheat on my time in life…giving up the one thing that should've been seen as a gift. Instead it was only forgotten in time. Tonight it will be an ending and a beginning.

 _For death is only the beginning_.

~@~

Somewhere in the darkness two souls emerged. Drawn in a way that no other could conceive they met and clashed in bright flashes of light. It grew brighter and brighter, filling every speck of darkness.

Soon there was nothing but bright light and one intense ball of energy. Voices streamed throughout the void...first alone, then mingling together to form two words. The chant became stronger and stronger...each word now holding more meaning then ever thought possible.

When the final spark of light had burst forth from the depths of brightness, the words became solid. They formed a belief that would forever hold true in the face of any adversary. That last final shout of glory was enough to make a grown man cry...a guilty man innocent.

The words once spoken will be etched forever in that void...hanging and repeating until there is no one left to hear. Until there is nothing left of existence.

" ** _I BELIEVE_**."

~Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this was one of my very first novel length stories. Took me forever to write it but I had only been writing fanfic for about 3-4 years. Started it in October 2000 and finished it March 2001. 
> 
> I know X-Files isn't that popular and this story may not get many, if at all, any views, but I figured I'd post it anyway. Back when I wrote it, it did win several awards. Though to be honest, I have NO IDEA what those awards were anymore. That's what happens after 20 years, ya know? I do have artwork that was made for it and I may get around to posting it. Not sure yet when or if I will actually bother though. 
> 
> Notes from 2001: The end of this story was extremely hard for me to write. I can never claim that one doesn't leave a part of themselves in every story they write. Over the years this will always serve as a reminder to what depths my writing can achieve. I will always look at this story as my absolute favorite, no matter what fandom I choose to write for or read about in the future. If you made it through this, I thank you. I know some of it was rather rough, but since it was one of my first stories, I hope you can see how much that improved over the time of writing out the story itself.


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